It’s been a while since we last checked in on the Washington Post op-ed stable’s elderly “left-center” know-nothing Richard Cohen, the Worst Writer in the World. After a profound month-long streak of weekly 800-word diarrhea baths earlier this year — climaxing with the legendary, “What if Dick Cheney is right?” — Cohen laid low for a while, talked about how nuts George Bush’s Iraq War was for a couple of weeks, safe stuff. NO MORE! Cohen has returned to form triumphantly (sadly) today with just… just a real lousy effort. Man alive. Take your bathroom break *now,* before clicking the clicky, because what you’re about to witness is… a Richard Cohen “concept” column! MORE »

RICHARD COHEN DOES NOT CARE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH’S ‘QUANTITY OVER QUALITY’ APPROACH TOWARDS BOOK-READING AND FINDS THIS ATTITUDE INDICATIVE OF HIS GOVERNING QUALITIES OR LACK THEREOF: Remember a few years ago when word leaked that George W. Bush had been reading Camus’ The Stranger, and this was a modest gossip topic for about 12 minutes before it went away forever? Turns out it didn’t go away — Richard Cohen’s working a hot new lead! Huh? “As Dwight Eisenhower once told me (I’m not making this up), he had more time as president to dabble in painting than he did in retirement.” Whoa, dudes, seriously? Literally? Can you believe that Dwight Eisenhower once said the coolest possible thing ever to Richard Cohen? No joke? [WP]

A ballsy Wonkette hero operative sends us a fantastic photo with this description: “I got convicted Senator Ted Stevens to sign this ‘I am VECO’ hat with a silver sharpie on election night 2008.” No, it’s not just funny because she fooled Stevens into believing that she was a supporter. Veco, for you hippie anti-corporates, was the corrupt company that bribed Ted Stevens with hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and money, which he forgot to report! This led to his criminal conviction on seven counts, which was followed immediately by his reelection to the United States Senate.

Crabby queen writer Gore Vidal, who is certainly older than you, appeared on the English telly after Obama’s clinch last night to discuss American politics with the Britons. Appropriately, he went insane for several minutes after asking and receiving permission to “talk the facts of life” with the BBC anchor. Whenever he is asked a mild follow-up question, Vidal barks that he has never heard of the terrible, lowly anchor who is harassing him. This clip is staggering. [YouTube]

Apparently someone on Earth still watches The McLaughlin Group and thank god for that, because old coot host John McLaughlin tends to say some pretty funny things about this Barack Obama character. A couple of months ago he interrupted Eleanor Clift’s Obama analysis and shouted “WARREN HARDING WAS A NEGRO,” which is true. While McLaughlin’s performance yesterday doesn’t quite match that, it’s still a fine piece of old coot theatrics: he rants that Obama is an “oreo,” meaning he wants to dip him in milk and eat him. And here’s a longer version in which you can view Peter Beinart’s slappy reaction. [YouTube, CNN]

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident! MORE »