Tag Archives: pt oily pelicans

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Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!

BP and the Coast Guard are reporting that the reverse-cowgirl-static-kill-butt-well-plug was successful and that only 25% of the oil spilled is still in the Gulf of Mexico. Time to pop the bubbly and eat some shrimp…oh wait, there’s no shrimp left? Damn. Um, how about some oysters…no oysters? Uh, let’s have crabs, yeah crabs. Oh those are dead too? Fine, I’ll guess I’ll eat cat food. Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!… Read more on Hooray, The Well Is Dead, For Now!…
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Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?

The static kill sex position procedure is slated to begin today, if it didn’t start last night while Doctor Jindal was sleeping. The process of shoving mud and shooting cement down the throat of the well may actually kill the well and nullify the need to use the relief wells. The engineers are concerned that shooting stuff all over the place may damage the fleshy flap seal called the annulus. Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?… Read more on Have You Forgotten About the Dead Turtles On Day 106?…
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Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!

Remember the Islands of Doctor Jindal? Well it turns out that the future president of ‘Merica may be wrong after all. Washington elites Several scientists from local universities and aquatic research centers have signed letters and sent postcards saying he is an idiot who likes to wear fur coats while looking good on the teevee. Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!… Read more on Happy 100th Birthday, Deepwater Horizon!…
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Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95

Deathstorm Bonnie is currently taking its talents to South Beach and raining and blowing really hard but not much else. Bonnie is a disorganized mess cut up by wind shear but that isn’t stopping her from wreaking all kinds of havoc: relief-well drilling and cleanup operations have been suspended until the storm passes. It has, however, been downgraded to a Tropical Depression. You know who else is depressed? All the oily pelicans and flaming turtles. Read more on Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95… Read more on Deathstorm Bonnie Killing Florida, Sets Eye on NOLA on Day 95…
  oily pelicans

The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94

After losing strength over what’s left of Haiti, The Deathstorm hit open water, started gobbling steroids, and now has its eye set on breaking Hurricane Katrina’s home run record. The Deathstorm is currently named “III,” or “three” for those of you who aren’t subjects of the Roman Empire. Once it increases in strength and size it will be known as Bonnie. Meanwhile, near the Land of Drug Cartels, another deathstorm is forming, but its current status is illegal until further notice. Admiralissimo Allen has decreed that the Wondercap will remain closed in the event of a major storm. Track the storm with USA Today’s fancy graphic. Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94… Read more on The Deathstorm in the Sea Keeps on Churnin’ On Day 94…
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Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93

Just when you thought that everything was returning to normal in the Black Gulf (OMG IS THAT RACIST?!? PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME GREAT AND POWERFUL EDITOR KEN LAYNE!!11!! BREITBART CAN HAZ TEH VIDEOS!) there appears to be a tropical death-storm forming in the Caribbean Sea. Presently it has a 60% chance of forming into a tropical death-storm. Where will it go? Just like the cleanup operations, nobody knows — but it will likely crash into Florida or end up stirring shit up in the Gulf. Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93… Read more on Tropical Deathstorm Forming, Could Impact Spill, But Not On Day 93…
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Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92

Now that the oil spill/disaster/catastrophe is finally over (?!), BP is looking into another option to seal the well called “static kill” or “bullheading.” Static Kill involves shooting heavy mud and ground-up chunks of Haley Barbour into the well. You can add these methods to “top hat,” “top kill,” and “junk shot” on the list of dirty oil sex maneuvers that you’ve been inspired to try by BP. Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92… Read more on Don’t Worry About the Tiny Bubbles On Day 92…
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That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91

Seepage and “undetermined anomalies at the well head” are being reported during the extended test phase of this fancy new wondercap. There are no pictures of this legendary seepage but the mere mention of the word is reminding everyone of watching uncomfortable Depends commercials with their grandparents. The Coast Guard is going to let BP keep the cap on anyway, for some reason. Read more on That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91… Read more on That’s Some Serious Seepage On Day 91…
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It’s Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup!

Scantily clad Greenpeace and Earthjustice hippies are simultaneously covering themselves in chocolate and suing BP. Impressive. [New Orleans Times Picayune] The new contraption on the oil well is fixed again. It is ready to drink its milkshake until it breaks again. [Houston Chronicle/New York Times] Roving gangs of New Black Panthers and ACORNS vandalize BP gas stations in rural Alabama with boring slogans in funny construction-orange spray paint. [Mobile Press Register] In the rare event that everything is going according to plan in the body of water formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, there’s plenty of clear and concise information. When the shit is hitting the fan, like right now, the energy nerds at The Oil Drum deploy technical jargon and pictures edited with Paintbrush to explain exactly what the robots are doing deep in the black sea. [The Oil Drum] “There are plenty of oiled babies out there.” [Biloxi Sun Herald] Read more on It’s Our New Daily Oil Disaster Roundup!…