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  not afraid to be servicey

How To Cancel Your Wonkette Subscription, And Other Important Answers To Terrible Questions

Today we at Wonkette received a very important question that was very stupidly sent to our tipline, to which we can’t actually reply as it is anonymized, so we figured instead of responding to the asker, which we can’t, we would respond to all of you. That question is, “How do I cancel my subscription?” We’re here to help! Read more on How To Cancel Your Wonkette Subscription, And Other Important Answers To Terrible Questions…
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Slow News Day Things What You Can Read!

Are you enjoying your slow news week? You should. The last time we complained about a news day being slow, Newtown happened, and we haven’t complained about a slow news day since. Here are some lovely longreads, dropped simultaneously by outlets that apparently have a well of shit at the ready to run on slow news days, that we did not write, to help you while away your weekend. Have you read Caity Weaver at Gawker lately, whom, we repeat, we will someday steal? (Weaver, you should probably have a go-bag packed.) Here is a long great piece on taking a Paula Deen cruise, which you very much want to read, as “cruise pieces” are the greatest of all pieces, by law. Our only issue with Weaver’s piece is she reduces Paula Deen’s racism to having used “that word,” decades ago, when the actual racism (as broken by us!) was the fact that black people (and the white manager who stuck up for them) in their place of employment, which Paula Deen owned, were discriminated against horribly, purely on the basis of blackness. That is actual oppression that targets individuals, and it’s happening now, not 25 years ago. Nit picked, go on and read it! Read more on Slow News Day Things What You Can Read!…
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When I Am An Old Lady I Shall Be Ungrateful, And Several Other Most Excellent Outbound Links!

Is your mom this old lady? No, because your mom is not a professor emerita of English. Your mom is, however, ungrateful and ungracious. MOMS! SO COMPLICATED! Is New Pope rocking your world? Is Pope Francis going to be the next John XXIII? (Gonna go with yes, and also “callllled ittttt.”) Read more on When I Am An Old Lady I Shall Be Ungrateful, And Several Other Most Excellent Outbound Links!…
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Learn ABC’s 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!

Mass shootings! It is like, they are everywhere, lol! And when someone comes at you with 14 guns and 5,000 rounds of ammunition right after they got out of prison for murdering their wife and inlaws, because seeing if someone is a law abiding citizen before selling them weapons discriminates against people who are law abiding citizens (MATH SCIENCE OF WORDS!), well, you are probably going to die! Hey what can you do, right? Well, according to ABC “News,” there are 11 things you can do, because it is ever so much easier to survive a mass shooting than it is to do something about it that poll unskewer Heidi Heitkamp’s constituents do not like. Read more on Learn ABC’s 11 Weird Tricks To Surviving A Mass Shooting!…
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Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It

Congrats, Amercia, Mitt Romney picked a VP, and it is Paul Ryan. Of course, dear reader, you are probably already aware of the fact that you loathe Paul Ryan but are unsure about why, exactly. This might leave you confused, and possibly angry. Do you hate him because of his smug countenance,  you wonder? Or perhaps the prep-school pretty-boy yearbook-picture good looks? But, no, it has nothing to do with either of those things, and is instead probably because of the Ryan Plan, although you’re fuzzy on the details. It will destroy America, you know, but HOW exactly? Privatization something something big government and liberty and blah blah blah, of course, but this is the GOP answer to everything, so what makes this plan SPECIAL? Luckily, your Wonkette is here to tell you about the Ryan Plan, what’s Special about it, and why you hate it. Read more on Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It…
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Sexual Politics: How Not To Be A Male Stripper

There is a movie out, people say it is very good, it has Channing Tatum in it and whatnot, maybe we will see it, that’s cool. That is not really “political,” we guess, but there is nothing on the entire Internet today, like, “jobs report” REALLY? Romney being pro-vacation? Blah blah blah boring thing? Well, sexual politics it is! And male strippers, because why not. Read more on Sexual Politics: How Not To Be A Male Stripper…
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Wonkette Job Ads: Help Charles Krauthammer Pen His Pulitzer-Winning Screeds!

Wonkette, as everyone knows, is read exclusively by sozzled homelesses and retirees. But your long national nightmare might be over, hobos! Charles Krauthammer needs a researcher, and if you send him a missive filled with stern-sounding nonsense, maybe that researcher will be you!! Who wouldn’t want to go to work each morning for a man who thinks “the balance between liberty and equality [is] the central issue for any democracy” and who can find post-feminist pussification in (of all things) The Berenstain Bears? It is not just the smugness and complacency of the stories that is so irritating. That is a common affliction of children’s literature. The raging offense of the Berenstains is the post-feminist Papa Bear, the Alan Alda of grizzlies, a wimp so passive and fumbling he makes Dagwood Bumstead look like Batman. Hohoho, Charles Krauthammer! You are a dick! Read more on Wonkette Job Ads: Help Charles Krauthammer Pen His Pulitzer-Winning Screeds!…
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Journalism Job! Have You Applied Yet At Al-Qaeda’s Mag?

We all have our favorite news and information sources, so why should we be surprised when followers of al-Qaeda have one too? Meet Inspire, the slick, glossy mag created by American citizen (and former cheerleader) Samir Khan and featured columnist and American citizen, Anwar al-Awlaki. Read more on Journalism Job! Have You Applied Yet At Al-Qaeda’s Mag?…