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  new study proves it

Liberal Media Predictably In Tank for Liberal Candidate Mitt Romney

Ha ha, the Pew Research Center apparently paid researchers actual money to produce a study of election coverage bias when they could have just sent someone wandering down to the Kmart parking lot to ask the first person lumped atop a Hoveround with a “Sarah Palin 2016″ bumper sticker duct-taped to the back of it and gotten the same answer for free: the coven of liberal elites in the lamestream media are lately skewing positive in coverage of their beloved liberal elitist Harvard sap, Mitt Romney. In contrast, the media has taken a net overall crap on the campaign of constitutional rights-murdering Reaganite warlord Barack Obama since the start of the year. What gives? Read more on Liberal Media Predictably In Tank for Liberal Candidate Mitt Romney…
  new study proves it

Dumb People Not Clever Enough To Choose Smart Candidates

Why do dumb people always vote for terrible candidates? It’s because they’re dumb! This is according to new scientific studies, according to some website: The research, led by David Dunning, a psychologist at Cornell University, shows that incompetent people are inherently unable to judge the competence of other people, or the quality of those people’s ideas. For example, if people lack expertise on tax reform, it is very difficult for them to identify the candidates who are actual experts. They simply lack the mental tools needed to make meaningful judgments. Read more on Dumb People Not Clever Enough To Choose Smart Candidates…
  new study proves it

Science Proves Rich People Are Generally Evil

Extremely wealthy people discard their own spouses and children as easily as they discard thousands of factory workers. They feel absolutely no guilt as they scheme and connive, and they will rip off other rich people in massive Ponzi schemes with as little feeling as they’ll rape their housekeepers. The rich strap their supposedly beloved family pets to the top of their expensive cars for days at a time, and find the animal’s resulting terror and diarrhea funny. The rich are different, that’s for sure — they lack morals. This is the not-so-surprising result of a study by scientific academic people at a university somewhere. Read more on Science Proves Rich People Are Generally Evil…
  new study proves it

70% of America ‘Dreading’ 2012 Presidential Campaign

Ha ha, here is a fun new study that proves everybody would basically like to trade the 2012 presidential election for, say, a massive asteroid strike: Gallup asked voters how jazzed they were for the Obama-Not Romney campaign year, and people basically started weeping and vomiting, simultaneously, into their phones. “Given a choice, 70% of Americans say they can’t wait for the campaign to be over,” the pollsters said. And what about the rest of the people, are they all on Newt Gingrich’s payroll or something? According to Gallup, “26% can’t wait for it to begin.” Who are these people? Because if the 26% of Americans looking forward to the election could be, perhaps, relocated to Mexico or Ghana or someplace quiet, maybe we could just cancel the election. Read more on 70% of America ‘Dreading’ 2012 Presidential Campaign…
  new study proves it

62% of Americans Morally Unfit For Amoral U.S. Politics

America’s elected officials range from rat-eyed sheriff bullies who mercilessly persecute the various racial minorities to the president, who constantly murders people all over the world and shovels billions of dollars to Wall Street. And yet, a new survey proves that 62% of Americans “say their past would preclude them from running for public office.” Is the entire country made up of necrophiliac pedophiles? No, just 62%. But how do they feel about mail delivery, book readin’, William Henry Harrison, free wi-fi at the coffee shop and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans? Thanks to the monthly inane treasure known as the Vanity Fair/CBS News survey of people dumb enough to answer the phone at dinnertime, we now have the answers to these important societal questions. Read more on 62% of Americans Morally Unfit For Amoral U.S. Politics…
  new study proves it

Americans Becoming Too Sick And Fat To Work Anymore

Another big score for “the best health care system in the world,” hooray: a new study by Gallup shows that 86% of full-time employed Americans are missing 450 million days at work due to being either obese or having chronic health problems or both, which doesn’t even count days workers feel ill and don’t take time off. The furious little number crunchers announced that this also means $153 billion a year in “lost productivity” so that business people will take notice and stop hiring fat and sick people, but the joke is on them since it is now basically everybody. Hope America is having fun spending those 13 days of vacation a year they get feeling like shit! Read more on Americans Becoming Too Sick And Fat To Work Anymore…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  new study proves it

Everyone Agrees Gore Presidency Would’ve Been About the Same As Bush

American voters now agree that an Al Gore presidency would’ve hardly been different from the disastrous eight-year reign of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. See, we really have learned some stuff from Barack Obama! The latest weird Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of random questions proves that 56% of our people say a Gore-Lieberman White House would’ve been “not much different” than the venal plunder and racist war of the Bush Administration’s epic insanity. There’s not a huge difference of opinion across party lines, either: 57% of Republicans and 48% of Democrats sadly agree that there’s no real contrast between the ruling parties other than maybe “being a little bit more obvious about their intentions,” with Republicans winning that particular personality contest. Read more on Everyone Agrees Gore Presidency Would’ve Been About the Same As Bush…
  new study proves it

Diet Soda Also Making Americans Obese & Diabetic

Thought you were “doing the right thing” by drinking diet soda instead of the usual corn-syrup sludge that makes up the primary source of calories for Americans? Well, sorry, you are still going to become obese and die of diabetes and cancer, soon. Diet soda — and god only knows what is actually in Diet Soda — has been proven to make you just as fat and miserable as the non-diet variety. Turns out that drinking several gallons of bubbly chemical poison every day is bad for you, no matter if the corn syrup has been removed by radiation chemicals or not! Read more on Diet Soda Also Making Americans Obese & Diabetic…
  new study proves it

Politicians Are Racist Against Blacks, Even ‘Republican Blacks’

Here’s an important news update for all the Alan Keyes and Clarence Thomas types who for some reason believe that acting like super-crazy white wingnut Republicans will magically win over white racists: Doesn’t work, never has, never will. White racists despise black people no matter what — and you’ll find the most unrepentant white racists running the Republican Party. Political scientists at Yale tested this obvious truth by sending emails from “a putatively black or white alias” and then tabulating how many black-sounding names got replies from legislators compared to the same email sent by a white-sounding name. Even self-described Republican constituents were ignored by Republican lawmakers when those constituents had stereotypically black names. And white politicians from both parties were more likely to ignore the “black e-mailers” than the “white e-mailers.” So, if you’re a person of color in this country, please keep planning that Total Revolution, because that’s the only (slim) chance at actual racial equality here in America. Read more on Politicians Are Racist Against Blacks, Even ‘Republican Blacks’…
  new study proves it

New York Times: Media Stopped Covering Palin Because She’s Washed Up

Hot new scientific data from NYT statistics wizard Nate Silver: “Sarah Palin’s potential candidacy, for instance, is only receiving about one-fifth as much attention as it did several months ago.” And why’s that? Because a cartoon millionaire who just flat out calls Barack Obama an African illegal immigrant is crushing Palin (and everyone else) in the Republican polls. This is why she’s literally begging the “mainstream media” to cover her stream-of-idiocy personal appearances. But the mainstream media is all done with old Failin’ Palin. Not that she ever had a chance in hell of coming close to the GOP nomination — Republicans above the poverty line have always thought she’s a moron — but now there’s no point in even covering her warmed-over clown offerings. Read more on New York Times: Media Stopped Covering Palin Because She’s Washed Up…
  new study proves it

Americans Have No Idea What ‘WikiLeaks’ Is, But Still Love Selves

Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker? Read more on Americans Have No Idea What ‘WikiLeaks’ Is, But Still Love Selves…
  new study proves it

U.S. Army Rejecting 80% of Kids For Being Dumb Obese Criminals

A sad new study makes that whole “DREAM Act” defeat a little more tragic: More than 80% of Americans trying to join the Army can’t meet the very low minimum requirements. The first 75% gets immediately disqualified “because they are physically unfit, have a criminal record or didn’t graduate high school.” That second pool is then given a very basic test — a question supposedly on the test is “If 2 plus x equals 4, what is the value of x?” And more than 23% flunk it. If the “DREAM Act” was basically a way to import some higher quality recruits for our doomed foreign wars, just as the Roman Empire had to eventually hire the barbarians to protect the frontiers from other barbarians, then the legislative defeat of that new policy probably means we can skip the centuries of pathetic decline and just go straight to hunting rats in the street, for Christmas presents. Read more on U.S. Army Rejecting 80% of Kids For Being Dumb Obese Criminals…
  new study proves it

Fox News Viewers Most Uninformed People On Earth

Science has finally proven what was always totally obvious: People who get their news from Fox News are the stupidest fucking idiots to ever exist. These cretins have literally no idea what’s going on, with anything. Whether it’s believing that Republicans opposed TARP (it was a big business Republican program created by the Republican administration of George W. Bush, a Republican) or being unable to comprehend that average temperatures are rapidly rising (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is dangerous because the Fox News viewer isn’t the kind to just quietly contemplate all the wrong shit they know — they have to talk about it, to everyone, which is why you can no longer even call a motherfucking plumber in this Nation of Idiots without having to politely tell him a hundred times to please shut the hell up about Barack Obama being an African Soviet or whatever. (We know, come on, that’s why we voted for him! Of course we were wrong about that, but whatever.) Read more on Fox News Viewers Most Uninformed People On Earth…
  new study proves it

AOL Shocker: Exit Polls Show People Are Broke, Sad

At least one part of the economy is booming: Stupid surveys commissioned by Vanity Fair or America Online or Associated Press or whatever: First Exit Polls Show Voters Dissatisfied With Government, Worried About Their Finances Read more on AOL Shocker: Exit Polls Show People Are Broke, Sad…
  new study proves it

Scientists Discover Sexy ‘Liberal Gene’

What makes people “liberal,” anyway? According to liberal university research scientists at liberal universities somewhere, being liberal means that you are an awesome person with many sexy friends. This is why you are so cool! Also, you probably had a lot of oral/anal with your other liberal friends at college, which is proof of the “novelty gene.” Read more on Scientists Discover Sexy ‘Liberal Gene’…
  new study proves it

Weird Old Racist Carl Paladino Suddenly Back To Losing Terribly

Seems like only yesterday (because it was) when racist weirdo Carl Paladino was within six points of Andrew Cuomo in New York’s most embarrassing election of 2010, but a brave new poll just appeared today and now Paladino is safely down to 24% and Cuomo’s at 57%. How did Carl Paladino suddenly lose the love and support of New York state voters? Did he forget to send every voter their own wacky “Obama eats watermelon” email? Read more on Weird Old Racist Carl Paladino Suddenly Back To Losing Terribly…
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Shocking New Poll Shows D.C. Elites Not As Bummed Out As Poor Old Teabaggers

Free Washington Metro Station paper The Politico exists for one reason: To sell advertising to D.C. lobbying firms and interest groups so that D.C. government professionals will see the ads while flipping through the tabloid on the way to work. “Oh,” the cubicle-bound factotum with the graduate degree in public policy will mumble to him/herself between fantasies of having sex with Ke$ha and/or the cast of Twilight, “Saudi Arabia is leading the way in something or other.” But the Politico also pretends that this same “D.C. Elite” is somehow separate/different from “the exact demographic of The Politico.” That’s why this new poll is such big news: Educated, employed white-collar Washington seems to have a rosier view of things than uneducated, unemployed blue-collar America At Large. Shouldn’t Sarah Palin just become president, because of this? Read more on Shocking New Poll Shows D.C. Elites Not As Bummed Out As Poor Old Teabaggers…
  new study proves it

Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population

America’s most exciting political movement (according to newspapers that are all going out of business) is the Tea Party! Never before has this nation seen such “energy” (fat white people in lawn chairs) or “passion” (racist, misspelled signs). From snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin to chocolate-sucking giant-baby serial-divorcer has-been Newt Gingrich, it seems all the Republican fringe figures who can’t actually stay in office want a piece of the Teabagger Phenomenon. Well, there are not that many pieces to go around. Do not mistake the obesity of a particular teabagger for lots of individual teabaggers. Read more on Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population…
  new study proves it

Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?

Hey, a new survey about things people don’t know: Gallup asked some random selection of Americans who haven’t had their phones shut off to rate nine major federal agencies they may or may not have heard about, on the AM radio. The results are … bad news for, let’s see, Ben Bernanke? Sure! Read more on Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?…
  new study proves it

Obama *Almost* More Popular Than Nazi Pope & Multi-Racial Golfing Star Combined

Well, Barack Obama has failed again. The so-called president isn’t quite as popular as Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger and Partially-African-American Nike model Tiger Woods combined, according to an idiotic new study which also revealed that 5% of Americans want to meet and have their topless picture taken with teevee’s Hannah Montana. Read more on Obama *Almost* More Popular Than Nazi Pope & Multi-Racial Golfing Star Combined…
  new study proves it

Wingnuts Who Watch ‘Colbert Report’ Don’t Know It’s Satire

Not to be prejudiced or anything, but a short tour around the Internets pretty easily proves that conservatives don’t “get” satire or parody. Why? The answer probably has something to do with “belief in simple absolutes” and “sex shame” and “childhood brain damage,” and research from 30 years ago showed dogmatic people tend to be both dumb and unable to comprehend satire. And that’s why wingnuts don’t understand that Stephen Colbert’s Comedy Central parody of Fox News is, in fact, a comedic parody. Read more on Wingnuts Who Watch ‘Colbert Report’ Don’t Know It’s Satire…