Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT. MORE »

ALL OF THIS IS FACTUAL TRUTH: “So thank fucking christ that the Commander in Chief is no longer subjecting the nation to death porn. No, this year it’s limited to a nutty little cult leader on basic cable who is encouraging his radicalized band of fanatical followers to invade the cities where the tragedy actually happened in order to shock the populace back into fear. Glenn Beck is an actual terrorist, and the people attending his rally in DC tomorrow are al-Qaeda in America.” [Alex Pareene]

For about five weeks after 9/11, media people who had spent the previous decade jabbering about Monica Lewinsky and “Hillary Care” and O.J. Simpson and Pets.com and the Macarena and Krispy Kreme suddenly decided “everything changed” when some lousy terrorists did what they did and killed some 3,000 people who just happened to be flying on passenger planes or working in office buildings on that day. Well, no. MORE »

(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how A Charlie Brown Christmas plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day seven eight (whoops!) years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world and many working-class people could affix “United We Stand” bumper stickers to their SUVs, so they could drive around with pride while eating hamburgers off their laps and listening to talk radio wingnuts. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation. Let’s look back in horror. MORE »

Not since the Grinch stole Jesus’ Birthday from the tiny hydrocephalic aliens of Whoville has a figure of evil so blatantly tried to fuck a precious holiday to death: Barack Obama wants to make September 11 some kind of evil, patriotic day of remembering the terrorist attacks by doing something for America. It is exactly like he individually piloted all of those jets into those buildings, and knocked them down! MORE »

Shocking news from the Terrorism Security Agency: All airplane terrorists would not have even existed if ONLY the TSA had crucial information from you, the person booking a flight on the Internet. What is that you say, potential terrorist? You already provide your name and your credit card and then your government-issued photo ID at the airport, to 30 or 40 different TSA employees? THAT IS NOT ENOUGH WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MUSLIM? MORE »

The last thing your editor saw online Thursday morning was a Facebook update from Gawker Media boss Nick Denton — something about how his websites were getting these “Denial of Service” attacks, and also how Twitter was being attacked by computer monsters. Twitter! Ha ha, who would miss that? MORE »

Here’s some service-y journalism for you, so you can enjoy everybody else screaming and otherwise going nuts after midnight, when Air Force fighter jets begin a two-night assault on Washington’s fragile psyche. “A pair of F-16 fighter jets are scheduled to make periodic passes over downtown Washington at relatively low altitudes early tomorrow and again in the predawn hours Wednesday as part of a military exercise,” the Washington Post reports just late enough in the day for nobody to hear the news. Luckily nobody ever freaks out when huge scary low-flying roaring jets just pointlessly scare the shit out of everybody in the middle of the night. [Washington Post]

SCREW YOU, MUSLIMS! The Supreme Court ruled today that Bush Administration officials cannot be sued for polices that led to 700+ Muslims in the United States being “arrested, roughed up and locked in a maximum security prison” after the 9/11 attacks. So, John Ashcroft and Robert Mueller are free to continue plotting against us. [LA Times]

If you have ever wondered how much it costs to make 7 million New Yorkers all shit their pants at the same time, now you know: $300,000, which is actually kind of a bargain. According to Defense Secretary Robert Gates, that’s how much it cost to send a low-flying passenger jet on a little tour of Lower Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty a couple of weeks back. The cost of adult diapers, on the other hand, is expected to run into the billions. [MSNBC]

For god knows how many years, the evil shadow government FEMA had this weird terror-coloring booklet, for kids, available as a fun PDF download. Then, due to …. hmm, body bags? Domestic concentration camps? Formaldehyde trailers? Black Oil? Bees? Let’s say bees …. MORE »