Tag Archives: pt never forget

  never forget

Oh, Yes, We Have The Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’

Feeling a bit low this Thanksgiving? A bit like something is just…missing? Could be because you have been waiting, longing, for Wonkette’s sort-of-annual Thanksgiving tradition. As a parade is to Macy’s, Sarah Palin’s interview-cum-turkey-slaughter-horror-show is to Wonkette. And really, what news story is more Wonkette-ish than Sarah Palin yammering on obliviously as turkeys are ground to bits behind her by the most stereotypically gomer-ish guy Alaska could produce? Read more on Oh, Yes, We Have The Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’…
  never forget

Watch the Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’

Feeling a bit low this Thanksgiving? A bit like something is just…missing? Likely this is because Wonkette has neglected our sort-of-annual Thanksgiving tradition. As a parade is to Macy’s, Sarah Palin’s interview-cum-turkey-slaughter-horror-show is to Wonkette. And really, what news story is more Wonkette-ish than Sarah Palin yammering on obliviously as turkeys are ground to bits behind her by the most stereotypically gomer-ish guy Alaska could produce? Read more on Watch the Palin Turkey Massacre Again, Because ‘Tradition’…
  never forget

Congressional Staffers Foolishly Drink and Tweet Their Jobs Away, On the Job

It is bad enough being a powerless Democratic House representative having to watch orange Juggalo John Boehner strut the halls of Congress every day with a trail of Chiclet-toothed goobers sniveling in his wake every single day, as part of your job. You would be sad. It would be terrible. But today, even more sadly and more terribly, Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA) suffered the further indignity of finding out his own pack of drunk, goofaloofing staffers like to get on the Twitter and call him an ‘idiot’ and ‘a pussy.’ Aren’t the youth supposed to understand how this twatter machine thingy works by now, that it is public? Read more on Congressional Staffers Foolishly Drink and Tweet Their Jobs Away, On the Job…
  never forget

California Destroyed By Blustery Day

Back when California used to have the nation’s top public schools (instead of the worst) and biggest state park system (instead of locked-gate meth-lab forests) along with lots of good-paying jobs and an entire population of fit, beautiful, tattoo-free people who spent all their time at the uncrowded beaches talking about philosophy or whatever, the “trade off” was that California also had terrible natural disasters. It was the kind of thing that kept a certain demographic (really scared Indiana people, say) from moving out West. “Sounds great,” they’d say, “but I heard there was an earthquake about 10 years ago that killed twenty people, so I’m staying put, where I’ll probably freeze to death in the outhouse tomorrow and never be found.”) Anyway, now the disasters have moved elsewhere. Oklahoma and Virginia get all the earthquakes now, the wildfires went to Texas, New York City attracts all the hurricanes (and asshole mayors), and Californians are reduced to crying about a windy day. Read more on California Destroyed By Blustery Day…
  never forget

Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction

Aw, Sasha and Malia Obama looked sort of annoyed and bored, like the rest of America, during their dad’s ritual Thanksgiving lecture explaining how it would be impossible for him to do so much as rescue a single freaking turkey from death were this subject to a vote from Congress, even to save “Liberty” and “Peace,” which conveniently happen to be the names of this year’s two officially pardoned fowl. “Civil Rights” and “Economic Security” are currently making their final stops at a slaughterhouse outside of Toledo. It’s an awkward metaphor, see! Read more on Obama Celebrates Thanksgiving By Reminding America of Its Dysfunction…
  never forget

Texas High School Catches Al Jazeera Terrorist Asking People About 9/11

Texas is facing a few challenges right now — incredible plagues of drought and fire and horror that could make even a liberal yankee atheist wonder if an Old Testament God had been awakened from its watery grave deep beneath the Gulf of Mexico. But narratives don’t exactly change overnight, which is why some school district bureaucrats in the Texan town of Booker threw a Brazilian journalist out of a high school football game, because he works for Al Jazeera. And they caught him just before he planted bombs beneath the bleachers asked some people about the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. Read more on Texas High School Catches Al Jazeera Terrorist Asking People About 9/11…
  never forget

Irene Devastation: Netflix Streaming Apparently Out For Whole East Coast

We are getting late word tonight that Netflix Streaming is totally not working along much of the East Coast, due to terrorism (Hurricane Irene). Former Wonkette special guest editor Jason Linkins reports that it’s broken in D.C., at least on his Twitter friend’s teevee somewhere. And where’s Obama, probably golfing from a yacht over Arlington National Cemetery, right? What will people do over the next several weeks? We have checked Netflix Streaming Video on the West Coast and it appears to be “fine.” We tested it using a George Carlin HBO On Location special. It’s fine. We don’t know what the rest of you people are complaining about. Read more on Irene Devastation: Netflix Streaming Apparently Out For Whole East Coast…
  never forget

America’s Murder of 54-Year-Old Terror Suspect Celebrated In Taiwanese Web Cartoon

Do you remember the world before every day’s news was quickly animated into some ironic nonsense by computer artists in Taiwan working for a Murdoch-style tabloid/sleaze media empire in Asia? Do you have even faint memories of your own existence before YouTube? Well, former CIA contractor/anti-Soviet mujaheddin leader Osama bin Laden lived most of his life before all that. And the 9/11 attacks he is most remembered for — even though he was never actually accused of having any role beyond being a religious zealot figurehead for an oppressed Islamic people’s movement against American imperialism — happened well before we all spent our entire sad lives watching “Web Video.” Read more on America’s Murder of 54-Year-Old Terror Suspect Celebrated In Taiwanese Web Cartoon…
  never forget

Wonkette’s Tragic Use of Twitter

The other day we hit 911 posts on Twitter, which is a magickal number used to call the police when your neighbors are on the crack again at 4 o’clock in the morning and also the infamous/dreadful day when America officially began its self-fulfilling prophecy to topple like a stupid bloated giant full of ass-cancer and institutional paranoia. In other words, “Follow us on Twitter!” Read more on Wonkette’s Tragic Use of Twitter…
  never forget

Have the Japanese Stolen America’s Laser Eagle?

Wonkette operative “Dewey” sends this important photograph from the communist stronghold of “Nagoya, Japan,” where insurgents have apparently stolen America’s Secret Weapon For Freedom, the Eagle with frickin’ lasers for eyes. Will North Korea get hold of this crucial defense system? Why did we give it to Japan, anyway? Oh, it’s actually an advertisement for cars? Never mind, then. (We mean: NEVER FORGET.) Read more on Have the Japanese Stolen America’s Laser Eagle?…
  never forget

So, How Much Did This Cost?

Some person who “knows stuff like this” breaks down Carly Fiorina’s Laser-eyed Sheep Furry Of Death From Hell comedy film for FishbowlLA: “Wow…they did shoot all of that sheep stuff. It wasn’t stock footage. Paid crew for the sheep stuff and an editor for two days worth of cutting that stuff, titling, paid crew, equipment rental and effects plus the gathering of the rest of the stock footage…but there is an office scene too – probably $15,000.” One more facepalm for those ex-Hewlett-Packard shareholders. [FishbowlLA] Read more on So, How Much Did This Cost?…
  never forget

Third ‘Indian Food Night At The White House’ Party Crasher Identified!

Remember the unnamed party crasher who imperiled the planet by breaching White House security and entering a state dinner while smuggling genitals in his underwear? He has a name! Carlos Allen publishes and owns Hush magazine, a publication we have never heard of, and he has been interrogated several times by the Secret Service in conjunction with his alleged attendance at the highly exclusive White House Indian Food Night. The only thing that could make this story more terrifying is if this dangerous individual had been carrying five jars of honey. [CNN] Read more on Third ‘Indian Food Night At The White House’ Party Crasher Identified!…
  never forget

Will Obama Steal 9/11 From Wingnut Death-Porn Arab Haters?

Not since the Grinch stole Jesus’ Birthday from the tiny hydrocephalic aliens of Whoville has a figure of evil so blatantly tried to fuck a precious holiday to death: Barack Obama wants to make September 11 some kind of evil, patriotic day of remembering the terrorist attacks by doing something for America. It is exactly like he individually piloted all of those jets into those buildings, and knocked them down! Read more on Will Obama Steal 9/11 From Wingnut Death-Porn Arab Haters?…
  never forget

Where Were You During the Great Blog Attacks of 2009?

The last thing your editor saw online Thursday morning was a Facebook update from Gawker Media boss Nick Denton — something about how his websites were getting these “Denial of Service” attacks, and also how Twitter was being attacked by computer monsters. Twitter! Ha ha, who would miss that? Read more on Where Were You During the Great Blog Attacks of 2009?…
  never forget

Teabaggers Now Plan To Ruin 9/11 With 9/12 Attack On Washington

Having successfully completed a hilarious stack of FAIL on Tax Day, the Teabagging Cultists will next flap their testicles against the mouth of 9/11, our nation’s most holy day of remembrance. Just six months or so from right now, the fantastic teabagging momentum will strike again, as America sheds its tears over the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 attacks on the places wingnuts and teabaggers hate most: Washington DC and New York City. Read more on Teabaggers Now Plan To Ruin 9/11 With 9/12 Attack On Washington…
  never forget

Capitol Evacuation Email Melodrama In Two Acts

What caused the brief and pretty boring evacuation of the Capitol Visitor Center at 11:25 a.m.? Did the vanilla-chai teabags reach a Singularity? No it was a fire alarm everybody calm the fuck down. A mysterious staffer, “Em-bot,” sent us the entire drama, as represented in Capitol Police emails. It is exciting, if you are excited by, say, Twitter. Read more on Capitol Evacuation Email Melodrama In Two Acts…
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A Children’s Treasury Of Freeper Reactions To Obama’s ‘Mooselimb’ Vacation

Barack Obama went to what he fancy-calls a “Muslim-majority” nation today, Turkey, to hock his “legacy assets” under the guise of “reconciliation” after years of “Overseas Contingency Operations.” In other words he gave a speech to the Turkish Parliament in which he “promoted terrorism against white Christian landowning Americans.” Everyone should thank our President for this devastating Freeper bait. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Freeper Reactions To Obama’s ‘Mooselimb’ Vacation…
  never forget

Exciting Rural New York Special Election To Decide Nation’s Fate

Miss the excitement of 2008? Well, it is not coming back. Instead, tomorrow, there will be a Special Election in some obscure upstate New York congressional district, between people named “Republican Jim Tedisco” and “Democrat Scott Murphy.” Are you feeling some HOPE twitch in your pants? Yes you can! Who will win?! Read more on Exciting Rural New York Special Election To Decide Nation’s Fate…
  never forget

No Problem Here

The war on terror is over, and America won! Here is proof, in the form of a rusty emergency box directly outside the Longworth House Office Building on Capitol Hill. If any homeland security threats remained, this box would surely be unblemished, maybe even operational! Read more on No Problem Here…
  never forget

Republicans Finally Admit They’re the Taliban

They are ignorant religious fanatics who live in the past and love to bugger little boys, so it’s really no big deal that Republicans have finally embraced their only peers on this planet, the Taliban. Remember those dudes?! They were all, “Blah blah allah 9/11,” and then George W. Bush was all, “Gonna blow smoke up your caves, knocked them buildings down,” and hooray, we won the war, against the Taliban, and then, whoops!, not so much, and now the new president is all, “Now we have to go have the whole goddamned war in Afghanistan again, because the Bush idiots managed to screw it all the hell up for seven years.” In other words, Republican Congressman Pete Sessions says the GOP needs to join the Taliban! Read more on Republicans Finally Admit They’re the Taliban…
  never forget

Mayor Bloomberg Attacked By Filthy Weather Rat

According to ancient tradition, the Staten Island Groundhog bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg today, guaranteeing another six years of brutal financial collapse. Charles G. Hogg (R-Staten Island) attacked the New York mayor during a satanic ritual held each February 2 in opposition to the Christian celebration of Groundhog Day, in the Amish hamlet of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Read more on Mayor Bloomberg Attacked By Filthy Weather Rat…
  never forget

Bush Pardons Real-Estate Criminal Whose Dad Donated $28,500 To Republican Party

Nothing says “Christmas” like pardoning a bunch of terrible criminals — it’s like the original, fun, pre-Jesus Christmas, which the Romans called Saturnalia, in honor of beleaguered General Motors’ “different kind of car company,” Saturn. Back then, the Midwinter Holiday included such goofs as “letting slaves get it on with your wives” and “fucking said slaves in their butts, before beheading them,” and also, “emperors giving presents (severed heads) to other slaves.” It was likely very awesome. Anyway, let’s meet George W. Bush Junior’s latest bunch of dope fiends made free by Imperial Decree. Read more on Bush Pardons Real-Estate Criminal Whose Dad Donated $28,500 To Republican Party…