pt never forget
It is bad enough being a powerless Democratic House representative having to watch orange Juggalo John Boehner strut the halls of Congress every day with a trail of Chiclet-toothed goobers sniveling in his wake every single day, as part of your job. You would be sad. It would be terrible. But today, even more sadly [...]
Back when California used to have the nation’s top public schools (instead of the worst) and biggest state park system (instead of locked-gate meth-lab forests) along with lots of good-paying jobs and an entire population of fit, beautiful, tattoo-free people who spent all their time at the uncrowded beaches talking about philosophy or whatever, the [...]
Texas is facing a few challenges right now — incredible plagues of drought and fire and horror that could make even a liberal yankee atheist wonder if an Old Testament God had been awakened from its watery grave deep beneath the Gulf of Mexico. But narratives don’t exactly change overnight, which is why some school [...]
Do you remember the world before every day’s news was quickly animated into some ironic nonsense by computer artists in Taiwan working for a Murdoch-style tabloid/sleaze media empire in Asia? Do you have even faint memories of your own existence before YouTube? Well, former CIA contractor/anti-Soviet mujaheddin leader Osama bin Laden lived most of his [...]
The other day we hit 911 posts on Twitter, which is a magickal number used to call the police when your neighbors are on the crack again at 4 o’clock in the morning and also the infamous/dreadful day when America officially began its self-fulfilling prophecy to topple like a stupid bloated giant full of ass-cancer [...]
Wonkette operative “Dewey” sends this important photograph from the communist stronghold of “Nagoya, Japan,” where insurgents have apparently stolen America’s Secret Weapon For Freedom, the Eagle with frickin’ lasers for eyes. Will North Korea get hold of this crucial defense system? Why did we give it to Japan, anyway? Oh, it’s actually an advertisement for [...]
Some person who “knows stuff like this” breaks down Carly Fiorina’s Laser-eyed Sheep Furry Of Death From Hell comedy film for FishbowlLA: “Wow…they did shoot all of that sheep stuff. It wasn’t stock footage. Paid crew for the sheep stuff and an editor for two days worth of cutting that stuff, titling, paid crew, equipment [...]
Remember the unnamed party crasher who imperiled the planet by breaching White House security and entering a state dinner while smuggling genitals in his underwear? He has a name! Carlos Allen publishes and owns Hush magazine, a publication we have never heard of, and he has been interrogated several times by the Secret Service in [...]
Not since the Grinch stole Jesus’ Birthday from the tiny hydrocephalic aliens of Whoville has a figure of evil so blatantly tried to fuck a precious holiday to death: Barack Obama wants to make September 11 some kind of evil, patriotic day of remembering the terrorist attacks by doing something for America. It is exactly [...]
The last thing your editor saw online Thursday morning was a Facebook update from Gawker Media boss Nick Denton — something about how his websites were getting these “Denial of Service” attacks, and also how Twitter was being attacked by computer monsters. Twitter! Ha ha, who would miss that?
Having successfully completed a hilarious stack of FAIL on Tax Day, the Teabagging Cultists will next flap their testicles against the mouth of 9/11, our nation’s most holy day of remembrance. Just six months or so from right now, the fantastic teabagging momentum will strike again, as America sheds its tears over the anniversary of [...]
What caused the brief and pretty boring evacuation of the Capitol Visitor Center at 11:25 a.m.? Did the vanilla-chai teabags reach a Singularity? No it was a fire alarm everybody calm the fuck down. A mysterious staffer, “Em-bot,” sent us the entire drama, as represented in Capitol Police emails. It is exciting, if you are [...]
