A HOCKEY STICK! The lucky object that Levi Johnston oriented around his naked body in such a way as to accentuate his penis or clean fingernails or whatever in the sex pictures he’s doing. Congratulations to a hockey stick, which presumably beat out some sort of physical manifestation of Twitter and Graydon Carter’s fancyman hairpiece to get the gig. [US]

We feel a bit sorry for treefucker Mark Sanford’s communications department, like this harried spokesperson Joel Sawyer, who probably knows only these facts: Sanford grabbed a pair of keys at some point Thursday, told everyone in the office, “Enjoy working, losers, I’ll be back in a week or whenever,” smacked the secretary’s ass on his way out, and that’s it. Give JOEL SAWYER a raise, of money! He now claims that his office spoke this morning to Sanford, who was confused as to why anyone would care if he abdicated his state executive job for a week to go into the Forests, alone, beyond all contact. Sawyer said Sanford “plans” on returning to work tomorrow morning. MORE »