Many of the conservatives on the right side of the Internet loved Mitt Romney. Loved his precious greasy hair! Loved his smile. Lurrrrrved his pandering. But now, Mitt Romney is dead. Let’s watch the Internet whine about having to support John McCain now! MORE »

This can’t be happening! It’s a sad day for Humor. Better get started on the obit. [The Page]

Mitt Romney is a savvy businessman with executive experience — that’s why he lost nearly every state primary last night to a broken old man and some guy named “Huckabee.” Today, the Mormon heartthrob will be applying his robust analytical skills to deciding whether or not he should blow another $35 million on his doomed campaign. [CNN]

According to John Zogby’s latest poll, Republican Senator John “Walnuts!” McCain is leading pretty much everywhere except in the great state of California, where conservatives want a leader with executive experience and magic underoos. MORE »

Mitt Romney will probably lose everything tomorrow, but that’s exactly the point. As he told reporters today, “I am definitely the underdog compared to Sen. McCain, a number of people have proclaimed that… But the nice thing about being the underdog is they typically win.” No, Mittens, the underdog always wins. Wednesday morning, once McCain has locked up the nomination, call a press conference and declare yourself president for life. This should be a cakewalk for your spin team, at this point. [The Trail] MORE »

Mitt Romney knows history. In 2004, famous gay liberal John Kerry asked maniacal conservative fellow gay liberal John McCain to be his vice president, and John McCain said no thousands of time, and then a million more times, forever, and with bombs is a fairy. Check out this “art” Romney’s using in Massachusetts to get the truth out. [via Jonathan Martin]

No, he actually is! He’s dedicating his entire show today towards John McCain being a gay liberal, who’s only good for the gay nomination in the Gay Party, because he votes for gay… spending… reform… things of that nature. Hey, he’d be a perfect fit for the Republican nomination!

Either way, we must praise Rush Limbaugh today, and only today: VOTE FOR MITTENS. TOMORROW. FOR THE THING. Please? [The Page]

Mitt Romney’s new Super Tuesday ad ruthlessly attacks that one person he needs to eliminate, from behind, to win the Republican nomination: WALN– wait, Hillary Clinton? Indeed, this whole ad rips at Hillary Clinton, with Mitt delivering the damning clincher: “She has never run anything!” Did a certain Romney, Mittens maybe purchase this marvel of cinema before the Florida primary? Or South Carolina? New Hampshire? Iowa? It’s just funny because he’ll never run anything again, for now. [YouTube]

*DOESN’T FEAR GOLD GROW ON REPUBLICAN TREES?:* While Barack Obama and that old racist Arkansas couple, the Clintons, each have massive national blitzes of the teevee ads, “major Republican presidential candidates do not have a single bit of paid media on the air in Super Tuesday states.” Not even gazillionaire Mitt Romney. This is good! When John McCain automatically wins the election by being a Republican, the influence of money shall no longer have a place in politics. [The Page]

Mitt Romney must beat John McCain, or all entertainment in the world will disappear. Please, Mormon God, Jesus, other spirit things: Give Mittens the nomination. He bought the damn thing, give the man his goods. He is too beatable and, more importantly, too funny to lose. Mittens just says these… things: today he noted that John McCain follows a “liberal Democrat course.” I’m sure the crowd went wild to boot! McCain, that… Clintonist. [Time]

Mitt Romney took an adventurous campaign turn today by trying to connect with the Fortune 500 C.E.O. crowd, a demographic that always votes for the most progressive, tax-hiking liberal candidates. He mentioned how hard it is to lay off workers, how much it eats away at your corporate humanity, and how he’s done it like 50 million times. Coincidentally, this purging of the soul took place before a Latino builders’ union. Ohhhh Mittens! MORE »