“I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns] MORE »

D.C.’s romance with blow began sometime in the late ’80s, a trend started by the Reagan Administration’s lavish White House cocaine socials featuring teenage boy-hookers and live performances by New Order. Fast-forward to 2009: D.C. is coked out beyond Oliver North’s wildest fantasies, except now all the delicious cocaine is mixed with baking soda and the entire Department of Homeland Security is infected with tuberculosis from sharing crack pipes in the office. [DCist] MORE »

It must be Sweeps Week in another version of reality, as Leon Wieseltier, New Republic’s ranking number two funny old man with funny old racist ideas, guest stars on All About Steve, a teevee show, to play the head of the FLO, the Freudian Liberation Organization. [DCist] MORE »

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

The first cases of completely bathetic and overblown panic have been found identified in Virginia. Sad. [WTOP] MORE »

Local athletics club the Washington Nationals is getting “special treatment” from DC, as the city has agreed to pay to keep the Metro running late if baseball games run late. No word yet on whether the same applies if games just feel like they’re taking forever. [DC Examiner] MORE »

There is a blue crab baby boom, in the Chesapeake! These baby boomer crabs are distinctive for sporting blue “aprons” around their midsection and for their affinity for waxing nostalgic about Saturday Night Live episodes that aired between 1975-1979. [Washington Post] MORE »

A guy was caught selling guns from a potato chip stand in a market. It was as easy as catching a gun salesman at a potato chip stand, said police. [Washington Examiner] MORE »

The Nats Park is a getting fancytime makeover in the form of new food vendors and an expansion of the restaurant there, Red Porch Restaurant. [DC Examiner] MORE »

Get ready, it’s Cherry Blossom time! Starting tomorrow all the out-of-towners you just had to accommodate, in January, will suddenly take an interest in visiting again. [DCist] MORE »

DC’s socialist bicycle share klub thing is expanding! From 10 racks of bicycles that seem both appealing and logistically problematic to 50 racks of bicycles that seem both appealing and logistically problematic. [WTOP] MORE »