Tag Archives: pt metro section

  metro section

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

“Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC] Read more on Metro Section: Great Assassinations…
  metro section

Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer

While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners! Read more on Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer… Read more on Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer…
  metro section

Columbia Heights Still Terrifying As Usual

Columbia Heights: Where white hipsters can watch from a comfortable distance as low-income minorities are murdered. This is what scholars call the “two cities” problem. [Why I Hate DC] Read more on Columbia Heights Still Terrifying As Usual…
  metro section

Metro Dumps Barrels Of Delicious Hydrofluoric Acid Into The Potomac

Remember when you flushed your dead goldfish down the toilet and felt a little guilty because what if the goldfish clogs the pipes? Yes. Now replace “you” with “Metro” and “your dead goldfish” with “acid” and “felt a little guilty …” with “saved a butt-ton of money polluting like the dickens.” [DCist] Read more on Metro Dumps Barrels Of Delicious Hydrofluoric Acid Into The Potomac… Read more on Metro Dumps Barrels Of Delicious Hydrofluoric Acid Into The Potomac…
  metro section

DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist] Read more on DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein…
  metro section

14th Street Boob Grabber Looking Forward To Halloween

You network? We should network sometime. Let’s network. Let’s exchange business cards. Faxes. Telegrams. Beepers. E-mail signatures. STDs. Need to network. Need. To. Network. In DC it’s all about who you know. [Why I Hate DC] Read more on 14th Street Boob Grabber Looking Forward To Halloween… Read more on 14th Street Boob Grabber Looking Forward To Halloween…
  metro section

Columbia Heights Now Completely Gentrified By Ghosts

What would happen if you joined the Marines and then were sent to Okinawa to play with radios but then got bored and pretended to have PTSD and then told little children that you ate a grenade to save Lt. Dan during a heavy firefight in Fallujah and then bought a bunch of medallions to pin on your shirt from eBay and then got all sorts of free goodies because everyone thought you were a fabulous war hero? Thanks to the efforts of a brave Marine, we now have the answer. [Washington Times] Read more on Columbia Heights Now Completely Gentrified By Ghosts… Read more on Columbia Heights Now Completely Gentrified By Ghosts…
  metro section

Sea Monster FBI Informants Conspire Against Marion Barry

A shrimp and some crab soup tried to MURDER Marion Barry! A futile assassination attempt. Marion Barry is not afraid of sea creatures, cooked or otherwise. [Washington Times] Read more on Sea Monster FBI Informants Conspire Against Marion Barry… Read more on Sea Monster FBI Informants Conspire Against Marion Barry…
  metro section

Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must

Before you appear on a reality tee-vee program, make sure to read the STD clause in your release very carefully. Very very carefully. Because MTV will not fix your genitals if you dry-hump a love sack and then contract the crotch rot. Contractually, MTV is simply not responsible. It’s in your contract, understand? Good. Now sign here please. [Washington Examiner] Read more on Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must… Read more on Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must…
  metro section

DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee

Never steal a samurai’s Xbox. Because he will Seppuku you, with his samurai sword… that he ordered from SkyMall… while studying electrical engineering at Johns Hopkins. [Washington Times] Read more on DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee… Read more on DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee…
  metro section

Will FEMA Save DC, If Same-Sex Marriage Breaks the Levies?

A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by “same-sex marriage” in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats goose stepped down Pennsylvania Avenue and nicked James Madison’s Beanie Baby collection (and then torched Adams Morgan, just for good measure). [Washington Times] Read more on Will FEMA Save DC, If Same-Sex Marriage Breaks the Levies?… Read more on Will FEMA Save DC, If Same-Sex Marriage Breaks the Levies?…
  metro section

Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09

Summer. It’s over, and not even Bryan Adams can make it sound sexy (you might have bought that six-string at the five-and-dime, but MJ is fucking dead). Anyway, an intern needs your help. Last night he smoked a marijuana cigarette. Will John Ensign ask him to pee in a Dixie cup? True or False? [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] Read more on Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09… Read more on Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09…
  metro section

It’s Called A ‘Park’ — You Know, A Quiet Place To Walk Around, And Not Get Murdered

First Chandra Levy. Then killah bees. Now this. What could possibly make Rock Creek Park more murderous and cruel? Suggestion: unmarked mine fields. [DCist] Read more on It’s Called A ‘Park’ — You Know, A Quiet Place To Walk Around, And Not Get Murdered… Read more on It’s Called A ‘Park’ — You Know, A Quiet Place To Walk Around, And Not Get Murdered…
  metro section

Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer

Who twitters for Metro? Tolstoy? You cannot write long-winded descriptions of the Great Steppe of Russia, where the peasants are honest and work with their hands (and the Metro stop has no working escalators). Sorry Leo, there’s a 140-character limit. [Unsuck Metro DC] Read more on Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer… Read more on Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer…
  metro section

Relive The Memories, At Hooters

August is rapidly deteriorating into September, which means soon there will be no more summer interns to brighten your day, with intern sunshine. Heavens, we’ll miss their shenanigans — who will be here to jam the ATM machines, with red intern badges? Yes, we’ll always cherish the laughs. The tears. The memories that will require massive therapy … Oh heck, one more can’t hurt! [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] Read more on Relive The Memories, At Hooters… Read more on Relive The Memories, At Hooters…
  metro section

Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate

OH GREAT JOB everybody. You were all too busy downloading penis enlargement pills, and paying for cheese pizza over the Internet, to bother using our nation’s postal service! Now the USPS is downsizing, and it might even stop delivering mail on Saturday, the Jewish sabbath (!?). Kiss your Christian Nation goodbye. [DCist] Read more on Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate… Read more on Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate…
  metro section

America Neglects the National Mall, Loses Custody

President Obama basically alienated every law enforcement official in the country when he called that Cambridge cop an ignoramus during his health care phone-a-thon on Wednesday. And now the DC chapter of the National Fraternal Order of Police has publicly chastised the President! Read more on America Neglects the National Mall, Loses Custody… Read more on America Neglects the National Mall, Loses Custody…
  metro section

New iPhone App Helps Marion Barry Pass Sobriety Test

Experts agree: Sometime between now and 5PM, DC will be ravaged by 70 mph winds, lightning storms, and many inches of rain. And it’ll still be humid as a mofo. Why is Woton so angry with DC? Did a Republican senator elope with Brunhilda? Confess before you get us all killed! [DCist] Read more on New iPhone App Helps Marion Barry Pass Sobriety Test… Read more on New iPhone App Helps Marion Barry Pass Sobriety Test…
  metro section

Marion Barry Dresses Up Like a Lady, Commits Heist of the Millenium!

DC is the capital of many things, not just Virginia. For instance, it’s a major destination for senseless violence, and it’s also a “must-visit” for any tourist looking to snag a little “Capitol Hill Dome,” in exchange for a crack pebble. Yes, this is a miserable place. But sometimes — not often, but now and then — something magical happens. Like when three transvestites mug a woman, and then use her credit card to buy panties at Victoria’s Secret. Oh wait, this happened in Fredericksburg. Never mind. [Washington Examiner] Read more on Marion Barry Dresses Up Like a Lady, Commits Heist of the Millenium!…