pt metro section
Metro Section: Great Assassinations
“Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC] “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. [...]
Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer
While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners!
Columbia Heights Still Terrifying As Usual
Columbia Heights: Where white hipsters can watch from a comfortable distance as low-income minorities are murdered. This is what scholars call the “two cities” problem. [Why I Hate DC]
Metro Dumps Barrels Of Delicious Hydrofluoric Acid Into The Potomac
Remember when you flushed your dead goldfish down the toilet and felt a little guilty because what if the goldfish clogs the pipes? Yes. Now replace “you” with “Metro” and “your dead goldfish” with “acid” and “felt a little guilty …” with “saved a butt-ton of money polluting like the dickens.” [DCist]
DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein
Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist]
14th Street Boob Grabber Looking Forward To Halloween
You network? We should network sometime. Let’s network. Let’s exchange business cards. Faxes. Telegrams. Beepers. E-mail signatures. STDs. Need to network. Need. To. Network. In DC it’s all about who you know. [Why I Hate DC]
Columbia Heights Now Completely Gentrified By Ghosts
What would happen if you joined the Marines and then were sent to Okinawa to play with radios but then got bored and pretended to have PTSD and then told little children that you ate a grenade to save Lt. Dan during a heavy firefight in Fallujah and then bought a bunch of medallions to [...]
Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must
Before you appear on a reality tee-vee program, make sure to read the STD clause in your release very carefully. Very very carefully. Because MTV will not fix your genitals if you dry-hump a love sack and then contract the crotch rot. Contractually, MTV is simply not responsible. It’s in your contract, understand? Good. Now [...]
Urban Chicken’s Suffrage Movement A Huge Success In DC
What do you call 229 teachers in DC? “Fired.” [DCist]
Murder, Mortgage Fraud, And Envelopes Stuffed With Cash — A Modest DC September
The Capital Yacht Club is a great place to set anchor while you dump a female corpse into the Washington Channel. [DCist]
Will FEMA Save DC, If Same-Sex Marriage Breaks the Levies?
A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by “same-sex marriage” in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats goose stepped down Pennsylvania Avenue and nicked James Madison’s Beanie Baby collection (and then torched Adams [...]
Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09
Summer. It’s over, and not even Bryan Adams can make it sound sexy (you might have bought that six-string at the five-and-dime, but MJ is fucking dead). Anyway, an intern needs your help. Last night he smoked a marijuana cigarette. Will John Ensign ask him to pee in a Dixie cup? True or False? [Spotted: [...]
It’s Called A ‘Park’ — You Know, A Quiet Place To Walk Around, And Not Get Murdered
First Chandra Levy. Then killah bees. Now this. What could possibly make Rock Creek Park more murderous and cruel? Suggestion: unmarked mine fields. [DCist]
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