Tag: pt metro section

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

"Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel...

Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer

While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated...

Columbia Heights Still Terrifying As Usual

Columbia Heights: Where white hipsters can watch from a comfortable distance as low-income minorities are murdered. This is what scholars call the "two cities" problem. Michelle Obama indoctrinates children with bananas and tangerines. Montgomery County is livin' on...

Metro Dumps Barrels Of Delicious Hydrofluoric Acid Into The Potomac

Remember when you flushed your dead goldfish down the toilet and felt a little guilty because what if the goldfish clogs the pipes? Yes. Now replace "you" with "Metro" and "your dead goldfish" with "acid" and "felt a little...

DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is...

14th Street Boob Grabber Looking Forward To Halloween

You network? We should network sometime. Let's network. Let's exchange business cards. Faxes. Telegrams. Beepers. E-mail signatures. STDs. Need to network. Need. To. Network. In DC it's all about who you know. Be mindful of the...

Columbia Heights Now Completely Gentrified By Ghosts

What would happen if you joined the Marines and then were sent to Okinawa to play with radios but then got bored and pretended to have PTSD and then told little children that you ate a grenade to save...

Sea Monster FBI Informants Conspire Against Marion Barry

A shrimp and some crab soup tried to MURDER Marion Barry! A futile assassination attempt. Marion Barry is not afraid of sea creatures, cooked or otherwise. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is very concerned about the structural...

Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must

Before you appear on a reality tee-vee program, make sure to read the STD clause in your release very carefully. Very very carefully. Because MTV will not fix your genitals if you dry-hump a love sack and then contract...

Urban Chicken’s Suffrage Movement A Huge Success In DC

What do you call 229 teachers in DC? "Fired." Hey, remember The Great War? No? Well, five million dollars says you will. It's nice to know there is an internet archive of all the times Metro fucked up. Here...

Murder, Mortgage Fraud, And Envelopes Stuffed With Cash — A Modest DC September

The Capital Yacht Club is a great place to set anchor while you dump a female corpse into the Washington Channel. The kids of Montgomery County don't need no thought control. Remember, remember / The 24th...

DC’s Famous Arm Barber Will Trim The Goose Hairs On Your Pointer Finger, For A Modest Fee

Never steal a samurai's Xbox. Because he will Seppuku you, with his samurai sword... that he ordered from SkyMall... while studying electrical engineering at Johns Hopkins. A free performance of Rossini's operatic masterpiece, The Barber Of The Orange...

Will FEMA Save DC, If Same-Sex Marriage Breaks the Levies?

A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by "same-sex marriage" in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats...

Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09

Summer. It's over, and not even Bryan Adams can make it sound sexy (you might have bought that six-string at the five-and-dime, but MJ is fucking dead). Anyway, an intern needs your help. Last night he smoked a marijuana...

It’s Called A ‘Park’ — You Know, A Quiet Place To Walk Around, And Not Get Murdered

First Chandra Levy. Then killah bees. Now this. What could possibly make Rock Creek Park more murderous and cruel? Suggestion: unmarked mine fields. Jon Voight was cooler when he was a destitute cowboy hooker. Fenty's children are known...

Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer

Who twitters for Metro? Tolstoy? You cannot write long-winded descriptions of the Great Steppe of Russia, where the peasants are honest and work with their hands (and the Metro stop has no working escalators). Sorry Leo, there's a 140-character...