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Tennessee Dems Nominate Insane No-Name Conspiracy Monster for Senate, But At Least He’s Not Harold Ford

It appears that whatever crew of shady state ballot-fucking political operatives have finally released their 2012-edition Alvin Greene Candidate. This time it’s in Tennessee, and his name is Mark Clayton. He will carry the Democratic party banner in this fall’s matchup against Sen. Bob Corker, because his name was listed first on the primary ballot and Tennessee Democrats have lost the will to live. His platform veers a touch typical cookie-cutter Democratic fare: It’s basically Paultardism garnished with even more virulent homophobia and concerns about a Schwarzenegger-led restoration of Nazism. You can extrapolate pretty easily from here — what, say, does he think about the Google? Correct, reader! He does in fact think that the Google, in collaboration with China, is out to get him. And so on. We apologize to Alvin Greene for making the comparison. Read more on Tennessee Dems Nominate Insane No-Name Conspiracy Monster for Senate, But At Least He’s Not Harold Ford…
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Dude Running For Gabby Giffords’ Seat Chews Out ‘Crybaby’ Police Officer

And now we revisit Arizona, that great state of lies, anger, and murder, to see which hilarious Republican will maybe replace Gabrielle Giffords in her congressional district. Maybe this guy? “A Republican Arizona state senator running for the U.S. House seat vacated by former Rep. Gabrielle Giffords slammed a local police officer for opposing his legislation in a committee hearing, calling the officer a ‘six-foot-four, 250-pound crybaby.'” Sure, this guy sounds good. Read more on Dude Running For Gabby Giffords’ Seat Chews Out ‘Crybaby’ Police Officer…
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Nebraskan Who Said Funny Thing About Rick Santorum Will Run For Senate

Former Nebraska Sen. Bob Kerrey has changed his mind and will run for Ben Nelson’s Senate seat! He, like Nelson, is an annoying centrist deficit whiner, but (a) at least he’s not horrible old Ben Nelson and (b) he is capable of winning the seat. Oh and (c), he once said this about then-newbie Senator Rick Santorum: “Santorum, that’s Latin for asshole.” Read more on Nebraskan Who Said Funny Thing About Rick Santorum Will Run For Senate…
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Alabama Wingnut Candidate Thinks Liberals Will Shut Up Because He’s Black

Here is Les Phillip, Republican congressional candidate from Alabama. He criticizes Barack Obama for befriending all sorts of terrorists instead of joining the Navy, like Les Phillip did. Phillip says he will stop Obama from destroying America, “and they’re not gonna call me a racist.” (Hilariously, he takes off his glasses while saying this, as if to reveal his race for the first time.) Read more on Alabama Wingnut Candidate Thinks Liberals Will Shut Up Because He’s Black…
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California Candidate Guy Apologizes For Not Being Clearer, When He Said He Wanted To Shoot All Liberals

California congressional hopeful and “Lodi grape grower” Brad Goehring — the standard spelling is “Göring,” but you can’t have everything — recently posted this on his Facebook, and everyone on the Internet loved it: “If I could issue hunting permits, I would officially declare today opening day for liberals. The season would extend through November 2 and have no limits on how many taken as we desperately need to ‘thin’ the herd.” Silly Göring. Maybe if had had said “cull,” it would have sounded… well, considerably creepier. His apology was the funniest part, though, and he wrote that on the Facebook too! Read more on California Candidate Guy Apologizes For Not Being Clearer, When He Said He Wanted To Shoot All Liberals…
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Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness

The closely monitored Alabama Republican gubernatorial primary race has taken another comical advertising turn, this one not even involving Tim James, who is in like 20th place despite being hilarious. Candidate Roy Moore is attacking fellow candidate Bradley Byrne for suggesting that evolution is something worth considering, and that the Bible is not entirely literally true. Bradley Byrne is fucked. [YouTube] Read more on Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness…
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Strange Market-Shorting Billionaire Monster Would Also Like To Be Florida’s Senator

Just as the months-long war between Charlie Crist and Marco Rubio is ending and a three-way battle along with Democratic Rep. Kendrick Meek is finally ready to take the political spotlight in Florida, some nutter ex-Republican billionaire who made his fortune betting against the housing market has decided that he would like to purchase the Democratic nomination after all, to screw up everything. Who is this slurring tropical money dragon, this Jeff Greene, who wants to spend all of his economy-destroying fortune on Florida’s junior Senate seat? And why is he so gay for Mike Tyson, anyway? Read more on Strange Market-Shorting Billionaire Monster Would Also Like To Be Florida’s Senator…
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BEST REAGAN USAGE OF THE DAY: Linda McMahon, who owns the beloved pro wrestling organization WWE with her strange husband Vince, is running for the Republican Senate nomination in Connecticut. When asked how she balances her Political Values with the fact that she runs the most overtly trashy company in America, she just started babbling about Ronald Reagan, as Republicans tend to do: “If he had played a comedic standup person who did slapstick, do you think that’s how he’d operate in the presidency?” Does she really want an answer to that? [Glenn Thrush] Read more on …
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WOULD YOU PUT THEM IN THE ILLEGAL’S ANUS? “‘I think we should catch ’em, we should document ’em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going,’ said Pat Bertroche, an Urbandale physician. ‘I actually support microchipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can’t I microchip an illegal?'” Urbandale, Iowa physician Pat Bertroche is running in a congressional primary and will hopefully win. [Iowa Independent] Read more on …
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Well, At Least Tim James Has An Aesthetic

Okay, one more. Tim James has another ad. Same dramatic pauses. Same wandering all over the damn place. Tim James is a national treasure and should be put in a time capsule. It makes sense to us. Read more on Well, At Least Tim James Has An Aesthetic…
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Alabama Candidate Will Save So Much Money By… Not Taking In As Much Money In Driver’s License Fees?

You may have seen this already, but it is the funniest 30-second spot of the year so far. Tim James, candidate for Alabama governor, is all hot and bothered about them taco-eaters and such like reading in that taco-talk when they get their driver’s licenses at the taco shop. :21 through :27 deserves a Best Dramatic Actor nomination at all of next year’s Awards Season ceremonies. Jesus. UPDATE: We just can’t stop watching this. Why the hell is he walking all over the place? [YouTube] Read more on Alabama Candidate Will Save So Much Money By… Not Taking In As Much Money In Driver’s License Fees?…
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Idaho Cartoon Villain Will Save Congress

GAH! So. Can we safely assume that Harley D. Brown, this thick anger-monster running for Congress in Idaho, is familiar with the one and only Super Tuber? [Harley D. Brown for Congress] Read more on Idaho Cartoon Villain Will Save Congress…
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Mickey Kaus Launches Important Campaign Site

It’s a great day and here’s why: we finally have a Mickey Kaus for Senate campaign website, so it will be much easier for everyone to donate all of their money to Mickey Kaus, the Slateblogger who doesn’t really blog much but needs a page-view bump anyway to justify his pay. Anyway, if you want a creepy pro-management blogger whose life purpose has been to type angrily about the Wagner Act as your next Democratic Senator… then you would have to be, by default, Mickey Kaus. [Kaus for Senate] Read more on Mickey Kaus Launches Important Campaign Site…
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GOOD NEWS FOR MARYLAND! To your editor’s fellow Maryland natives, as well as current residents and people who simply care about Maryland politics for some reason: he’s ba-ack! Ex-Gov. Bobby Ehrlich — an asshole and born-again wingnut radio host — looks like he’s going to run against Gov. Martin O’Malley this year, in an Epic Rematch. Will Michael Steele be his lieutenant governor again? Probably not. He’ll have to find a new black Republican in Maryland to put on his ticket, for pandering. Good luck! [Baltimore Sun] Read more on …
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Dick Cheney Endorses Not-Rand-Paul Kentucky Senate Candidate

Doctor St. Rand “The Son” Paul is kicking his opponent’s ass in the Kentucky GOP Senate primary, big time. This is bad for Establishment Republicans who love endless war and terror and torture. They had hand-selected this guy Trey Grayson to represent their love of death in the Senate, and now he can’t even beat Ron Paul’s dumb little eye-doctor son! Read more on Dick Cheney Endorses Not-Rand-Paul Kentucky Senate Candidate…
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LaRouchie Birther Kesha Rogers Wins Dem Congressional Nomination, Will Kill All Lobsterbacks

A new ray of prospective 2010 election fun came shining down Tuesday night: a LaRouchie birther named Kesha Rogers will now reclaim Dracula Cunt’s Texas congressional seat for America’s Democrats, after winning a primary against perhaps a wooden stool or some wilted lettuce. She has many thoughts about the British. Oh ho ho! Read more on LaRouchie Birther Kesha Rogers Wins Dem Congressional Nomination, Will Kill All Lobsterbacks…