Just a couple of years ago, Sarah Palin was a fresh young political personality. For battered and depressed Republicans who had just lost the House and Senate in an incredible pileup of corruption and perversion, it seemed like an impossible dream to have a happy, heterosexual family girl win a governorship — even if it was in some shoddy backwater like Juneau. Why, this Sarah Palin might just go all the way to the White House! Except she didn’t, and now she’s washed up. MORE »

MICHAEL STEELE FIRES ALL WHITE PEOPLE FROM RNC! “One week after Michael Steele won a hotly contested race to be the chairman of the Republican National Committee, he has cleaned house and laid off almost the entire RNC staff.” [Chris Cillizza]

They are ignorant religious fanatics who live in the past and love to bugger little boys, so it’s really no big deal that Republicans have finally embraced their only peers on this planet, the Taliban. Remember those dudes?! They were all, “Blah blah allah 9/11,” and then George W. Bush was all, “Gonna blow smoke up your caves, knocked them buildings down,” and hooray, we won the war, against the Taliban, and then, whoops!, not so much, and now the new president is all, “Now we have to go have the whole goddamned war in Afghanistan again, because the Bush idiots managed to screw it all the hell up for seven years.” In other words, Republican Congressman Pete Sessions says the GOP needs to join the Taliban! MORE »

John McCain woke from an Ambien stupor this morning and remembered, vaguely, that he also had an email list. Hmm, that ice witch Sarah Palin might have all the wingnut love these days — because she guaranteed a massive loss for the GOP ticket, making martyrs out of the Free Republic/Rush Limbaugh dumb mob (again) — but dagnabbit, War Hero McCain won’t just sit there in his La-Z-Boy. He will make his staff send an email, too. MORE »

Oh good gravy they are having the Fourth Ballot! It takes so long. “It’s time to vote,” the douche keeps saying — watch him say it, here on CSPAN! Something about changed proxy votes, maybe these people could get it together, and OH SHIT MIKE DUNCAN IS WITHDRAWING! So this should go to Steele, who will take his “Victory in Maryland” nationwide! MORE »

Tipster “Matt L.” just sent us the First Ballot results from the exciting Republican National Committee voting for a new chairman to revive the doomed party! And let’s see, current loser RNC chair Mike Duncan has 52 votes, hapless Maryland loser and “moderate black Republican” Michael Steele got 46, South Carolina segregationist Katon Dawson has 28, Michigan GOP loser Saul Anuzis got 22, and “social-conservative black Republican” Ken Blackwell, who couldn’t even deliver Ohio to McCain/Palin, has 20 votes. UPDATE: Steele and Duncan are now tied! UPDATE: Oh shit, Steele in the lead! MORE »

Like so many young Washington residents in this brutal economy, Wonkette operative “Nicorette St. Monstre” (if that is her real name) has some unemployed bums for roommates. One such jobless loser worked in the Bush Administration until whatever happened last week, and now our Operative finds her dwelling filled with these wretched, hopeless welfare cases who fear the very idea of real work. MORE »

Bill Kristol, the tragically dumb wingnut who wouldn’t be published beyond the Free Republic comments section if not for his famous conservative father who could actually write, was publicly fired from the New York Times this morning — ending a yearlong national comedy in which, each Monday, he would offer some banal nonsense that, if it wasn’t completely and indisputably wrong before he even typed it, would be proven to be utterly false within a few hours of publication. There’s only one way to improve a day like this, and the parody blog “Big Hollywood” has the solution: Offer $100,000 to the movie actor Matt Damon in exchange for, uh, calling Kristol a dipshit in public somewhere. MORE »

When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what! MORE »

Norm Coleman is the apparent loser of a thirty-year war in Minnesota against the unfairly diapered comedian Al Franken. Coleman does not believe he has lost, though, so Democrats are doing their best to drive that message home by totally fucking with him in a million petty little ways. MORE »

Rod Blagojevich couldn’t make it himself to today’s Senate swearing-in ceremony — why would he, right? He’s not even a Senator!! — but his Taint, his grimy grimy taint, was omnipresent in the chamber, and it reeked. After thoroughgoing racist Harry “Bull Connor” Reid made a black person leave Capitol Hill due to the color of his skin this morning, the black spectre of Non-Racial Transcendence swept the chamber with Misery, casting a blood red aura of Sin throughout the ancient lair of our bicameral legislature’s more exclusive wing. The Racists went on with their ceremony, which required a blood oath to Dick Cheney. Senator Joe Biden took the oath. Crippled lion Ted Kennedy took the oath. John McCain had a sad. MORE »