• In a statement that’s positive never to come back and haunt him, child ironist Bobby Jindal said he doesn’t think the government should be spending so much money monitoring possible natural disasters. [Top of the Ticket]
• Virginia Democrats will win the governorship by choosing to run against Sarah Palin. [CNN Political Ticker]
• This endless Minnesota to-do with Norm Macdonald and Lorne Michaels is disheartening to the local young lizard people, who are now doubting their own place within democracy. Sad times! [The Caucus]
• The Red Cross’ report on all of America’s famous recent torture has leaked. [Daily Dish]
• Throwy Journalist, he who tossed of loaferfull of misguided vigilantism at Bush, will be released from jail in just one year now, instead of three. [Gawker]

John Edwards has been mysteriously absent from the news for many months, ever since he announced that he could very well have gotten John McCain elected president had he (Edwards) won the Democratic nomination because he was having sex with some hippie crystal worshipper who gave birth to a child that looked like “John Edwards in a onesie” even though he was not the father. MORE »

ANCIENT SEX LIZARD MAKES BABIES: A gruesome, century-old cancer-ridden basilisk in New Zealand somehow impregnated another monster, and 11 baby Cockatrice hatched on Monday. Change is here! [National Geographic]

Your faithful Star-Tribune has a little ticker dealy on their front page and look, Al Franken is ahead by nearly 250 votes! The Coleman v. Franken recount has been going on since when, the Carter administration or so? Are both of these people even still alive, or have they been replaced yet by Adam Sandler and a Flowbee? [Star-Tribune]

By now you have heard the very silly story of the jokester who wrote in “Lizard People” on his ballot, singlehandedly derailing the very complicated Senate election in Minnesota. Witness this group of Deciders trying to figure out if Lizard People is a known individual or not. What is sadder, the American election system or the American legal system? (Thanks to “An annoyed (& entertained?) Minnesotan” for sharing. We are doomed.) [YouTube]

Let’s check in with our favorite state, where an unfunny television performer is locked in a Mexican Death Match with St. Paul sleazebag Norm Coleman’s wife’s legs. In other words, LIZARD PEOPLE FTW! A judge somewhere in Minnesota, this state where voters treat their ballots like kids’ menus, just ruled that Franken will not get the vote of this one goofus who also wrote “LIZARD PEOPLE,” twice, on a ballot that also featured the choice of Franken over Coleman. MORE »

Have you been paying to the Minnesota Senate recount still, America? It’s still going on! We’d assumed that Al Franken had lost unofficially, and then the Illinois governor started being hilarious, and that was that. So, Jonathan Chait of TNR, what can you tell those of us who haven’t really been paying attention? “If you haven’t been paying attention to the Minnesota Senate race, it now looks very likely that Al Franken is going to win.” Hmm! MORE »

So some 25-year-old doofus has come forward as the guy who wrote in Lizard People as the most palatable alternative to Al Franken or Norm Coleman representing the great state of Minnesota in the United States Senate. Lucas Davenport is America’s new Joe the Plumber! How long before he gets his own country music album? MORE »