Who’s classy now? Florida, again, as always! Here’s the new “vanity plate,” featuring America’s favorite (?) Christian star, Dead Jesus Hanging Off a License Plate With an Orange Behind His Head. This is gonna look sweet with a brass pair of Truck Nutz swingin’ down below. [The Awl]

It’s great that the poor little lonely Obama girls finally got a nice dog that won’t make allergy-prone Malia sick with its dog hair, because it is a special hairless breed. NO WAIT. It is an outrage that the Obama girls were given this dog because it isn’t LEGALLY a “rescue dog.” (Did you know “rescue dog” is a legal term? READ THE CONSTITUTION.) And guess what organization is demanding that Barack Obama personally slice off this dog’s nuts? MORE »

The super-dumb full-of-shit jingoistic Magic 8-Ball known as “John McCain’s twatbot” crapped this out today: “America has been and remains the greatest force for good in history.” Eric Spiegelman wonders why John McCain is pissing on Christ’s grave. [Bus Your Own Tray]

Ever get the feeling that your country has become one of those places where this kind of thing is always making it to the nightly news in rich countries? [Political IQ]

This is what it was like in Soviet USSR Russia, we bet! The guy, on the teevee, every night. Five year plans, advancing upon the enemy stronghold, great progress made in the Martian Dirt Wars, etc. We don’t know FOR SURE about this, as we arrived in the USSR about two weeks after it officially ended — this is true! — and by then it was all tits & death metal on the RUBIN black-and-white set. Anyway, is the recession over yet? Has Komrade Obama talked it away, while his douche-bots in the East Room try to act like they understand anything beyond do-nuts and Twitter? MORE »

That Barack Obama, so articulate and clean and Harvard-y …. yet, did you know he was of African descent? This sort of slipped by during that whole two-year presidential campaign, but “OWN THE IDIOT CABLE-NEWS CYCLE” webzine The Politico has some “fresh” gossip and it goes a little bit like this: The Black People, in this country, it’s almost as if they have their own “slang,” comprised of dual-meaning words and phrases used to undermine White America. And Obama, he is hep to this particular jive! MORE »

Barack Obama is now officially bigger than Jesus, according to a new Harris poll — that’s right, a new study proves it! The survey, conducted last month in the United States, asked Americans to name their heroes. President Obama was the clear leader, easily beating the long-dead “Jesus” of christian mythology. Yes we can! MORE »

Never, ever, ever make jokes in American Politics. Case in Point: Yesterday we laughed about dumb hack John Roberts screwing up the oath, and Barack Obama catching him, yet still saying the “faithfully” in the wrong place. Well, Obama’s goons dragged Roberts to the White House just now and MADE HIM DO IT AGAIN, BUT RIGHT THIS TIME. Good lord. [YouTube]

In our first 2009 edition of “Email of the Day,” we bring you two (2) tragic examples of America’s Dumb People fighting a losing battle with words … and one of them also tries (and fails) to deploy the weapon of “sarcasm.” Also: What kind of terrible person refuses to show the Proper Respect to any endeavor loosely connected to some random former Marine? MORE »

Imagine this: The daughter of an actual American slave lives to see the day when blacks cannot only vote, but can run for — and win! — the presidency. Well, it is a true story. Amanda Jones, who is 109 years old and was born in the 1800s to a father born as a slave, proudly voted for Barack Obama and mailed in her ballot. That seems to say something positive about the direction of history and progress of civilization, etc., right? NO U R WRONG BARAK NOBAMA IS RACIST. MORE »

But what do the psychotic racists do when they get home from Sarah Palin klan rallies? They plot a race war, which starts with the robbery of a gun store, and then a massacre at a school in a black neighborhood in Tennessee, where 88 black people would be shot to death, and 14 would be decapitated. “The numbers 88 and 14 are symbolic in the white supremacist community,” the Associated Press says. Uh, sure. MORE »