Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried [...]
What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you [...]
Teevee’s hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama — no birdcertificate — but De Niro? He said something obvious and uncontroversial, like “Donald Trump should shut his pie-hole and die.”) That is a lot of anger! [...]
Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden [...]
Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady “found” 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has requested a recount, probably because Prosser is only ahead by 7,316 votes, which is 0.5 percent [...]
Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It [...]
Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before [...]
Republican Party officials from all over the world are eager to see Donald Trump run for president, because “he’s got people fired up” and “more and more people are talking about [the thing on his head].” Polls show that voters are attracted to Donald Trump, especially since he calls non-white people “the blacks.” But that’s [...]
Mama Sasquatch made a rare appearance in Soviet-occupied Wisconsin, where she won over the audience (mostly greedy schoolteachers and truck drivers) with lines like “Hey, folks! [Walker's] trying to save your jobs and your pensions! Your governor did the right thing and you won! And people still have their jobs!” She had to yell these [...]
Remorseless gasbag Scott Walker visited our nation’s swamp capital yesterday, and somehow found time to testify in front of Congress and strip the cherry blossoms of their collective blossoming rights. As expected, Walker wowed the crowd with all his fancy Koch-ing points, bragging that Wisconsin’s “collective bargaining reforms save local governments more than $700 million [...]
The Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations said on Wednesday that Goldman Sachs “misled investors selling mortgage-backed investments it knew would fail” and that executives from the bank had also “misled Congress in a testimony given in 2010.” And now all the thieving, lying bankers who ruined America will be sent to Bagram Fun Palace. Just [...]
Hey, Hosni Mubarak is “back” — from Comaland? — and has been detained for questioning by the new and terrible Egyptian military regime (which loves murdering demonstrators and throwing helpless bloggers in jail). And now Mubarak will be forced to answer allegations of widespread corruption, abuse of authority and the killing of protesters during his [...]
What do rich people do with their money, besides using it to pay taxes? (Haha, what taxes?) Well, we know what Donald Trump is wasting his fortune on, since he is a shameless exhibitionist: He has hired a crackerjack team of private investigators to find Barack Obama’s real “bird certificate,” which your Wonkette has had [...]
Good morning, unemployed hobos. Here is your news: 14,000 votes just sort of “turned up” (just like they always do, when you need them the most) yesterday in Wisconsin, giving Koch-backed David Prosser a 7,000 vote lead over bolshie People’s candidate JoAnne Kloppenburg. (Kloppenburg said that she won the Supreme Court race on Wednesday, but [...]
