Tag Archives: pt it’s morning in america

  it's morning in america

Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground

Uh oh! Yesterday, when Mitt Romney wasn’t around to protect the defenseless Zionist nation, world bully Barack Obama beat it to a bloody pulp, saying in a speech that an Israel-Palestine peace deal should start with restoring the borders prior to the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and Israel should stop occupying territories they didn’t hold before then. Yeah, well, Mitt Romney is back now, and he challenges mean ol’ Obama to a fistfight. “President Obama has thrown Israel under the bus. He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace.” ISRAEL IS A PERFECT ANGEL WHO CAN DO NO WRONG, BRO. And now you’re going to PAY for suggesting they might try to achieve peace. [The Hill] Read more on Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground… Read more on Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground…
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‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. “RCP has learned that political associates have begun to nose around quietly on Perry’s behalf.” Ooh! “Political associates!” (This was definitely written by a machine.) “The Perry chatter has been so discreet that nearly a dozen early-state GOP operatives and consultants contacted by RCP hadn’t heard a word about it.” That’s funny. Chatter that Rick Perry invented the bagel had been so discreet that all the GOP operatives we consulted said the same thing about that. [Real Clear Politics] Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?… Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?…
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Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose Life? She will now get to team up with Bristol Palin (assuming she’s not one of those Messicans and can speak English or whatever it is those Palins communicate in) and parade the kid across the country as it TERMINATES teen abortion with all the strength of a grandchild of a Nazi. None of those Kennedy broads-on-the-side ever had a baby, right? That’s how you know Arnold is a Republican. And all of this is why his wife left him. [LAT] Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’… Read more on Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’…
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Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore

Uh oh, you guys, a Republican presidential candidate Said a Thing Yesterday, and considering there was no higher profile candidate to trump (PUN?!) his thing, Newt Gingrich is your official Monday morning Guy Who Said a Thing Yesterday. On Meet the Press (which confirms that this happened Sunday, because if it’s Sunday), criticized the Republican Party in Congress for coming up with actual policy for once (Paul Ryan’s Budget of Wonder), calling the Medicare cuts “right-wing social engineering.” Uh, okay! We guess he is officially kicked out of the Republican Party, for criticizing it. That is usually what happens when people criticize their own party right? Or are we just trapped blogging about politics even though 99% OF POLITICS IS ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENING? [WSJ] Read more on Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore… Read more on Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore…
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Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are

Mitt Romney has a HUGE liability in the Republican presidential race: He once helped people who needed health insurance get it, so their health and finances wouldn’t be ruined simply because their fellow citizens didn’t care if they died. Whoops! Doesn’t he know his party faithful hates protecting the lives of people who aren’t fetuses? Yesterday, he finally tried to defend his plan, but he just made things worse, endorsing the individual mandate and all the other fundamental features that underpin both plans, while paying lip service to disliking Obamacare with a few vague attacks. Mitt Romney has been found out: He’s not strong enough a man to watch and laugh while the health of some unprivileged citizens suffers needlessly. And it’s ruining him. [National Review] Read more on Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are… Read more on Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are…
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Sarah Palin Earns Fox News Check By Implying Common, Obama Are Racist

“It is just too easy,” dutiful Fox News screecher Sarah Palin said to get another check last night, referring to her ability to pick a fight with the White House for allowing a (CELEBRATED) black hip-hop artist into the building, knowing that a very familiar segment of the country will automatically believe any negative thing a white public figure says about such a man. Her syntax was convoluted as always, but she still managed to imply Common and the president are racist: “We thought we were to be united under the leader of the free world, Barack Obama in tamping down racism and inciting violence — and cop killing certainly — and killing a former president.” Yes, why hasn’t Obama tamped down inciting killing a former president? The only thing children are being taught today is that it feels good to have sex, do drugs, and force Jimmy Carter to drink a fatal amount of antifreeze. [Politico] Read more on Sarah Palin Earns Fox News Check By Implying Common, Obama Are Racist… Read more on Sarah Palin Earns Fox News Check By Implying Common, Obama Are Racist…
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Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him

Here is what Congress is getting done these days: If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to eat dinner with his family, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to stop them passing a bill declaring white the official skin color of the United States, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. Barack Obama can deliver great speeches about the debt, and he can kill all the Osama bin Ladens he wants, but it doesn’t matter. John Boehner will deliver inferior speeches based on glaring, elementary mistruths about the economy and still basically win. So how much is this debt ceiling thing going to cost Obama? [NYT] Read more on Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him… Read more on Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him…
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U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden

Here’s some good news for ally relations: If Pakistan had noticed the U.S. troops entering Pakistan airspace to take out bin Laden in time and opened fire on them, as they likely would have, the U.S. was prepared to shoot back and send in reinforcements to fight the Pakistanis until bin Laden’s body was back in Afghanistan. “Some people may have assumed we could talk our way out of a jam, but given our difficult relationship with Pakistan right now, the president did not want to leave anything to chance,” somebody told the New York Times. But Pakistan is now letting the U.S. talk to the terrorism guy’s widows, hooray! BFFs! Blood brothers! Haha, remember when we almost tried to kill each other and go to war?! That was a crazy week ago! (Would that have been a war or a squirmish?) [NYT] Read more on U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden… Read more on U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden…
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U.S. Doesn’t Want To Go To War With Pakistan, But They’re Making It Hard

Pakistan has been paid off for years to be an ally of the United States. The U.S. would like them to start acting like it. Quickly. Some Pakistani officials were allowing Osama bin Laden to hide in their dusty gated community in the suburbs just miles away from a key military academy (and, probably, 20 Applebee’s locations). Some officials recently tried to out the name of a CIA operative after the bin Laden crap hit the history fan. Who are these officials? The U.S. doesn’t know, but they seem to be protected. For one thing, Pakistan won’t let their “ally” talk to bin Laden’s wives. “Our guess is that the wives knew just who was keeping Bin Laden alive for all these years,” somebody told the New York Times. Maybe if we put them on that Wife Swap show? [NYT] Read more on U.S. Doesn’t Want To Go To War With Pakistan, But They’re Making It Hard… Read more on U.S. Doesn’t Want To Go To War With Pakistan, But They’re Making It Hard…
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Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People

Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare money, for food? No sir, you need that money to pay for your drug test.) Anyway: “Recipients who test positive for drugs would lose their benefits for a year. If they fail a second time, they lose the benefits for three years. Parents who test positive must designate another adult to receive benefits on behalf of their children.” Sounds legit. Just another assault on poor people that will go entirely unnoticed. Pass the hobo beans! (What hobo beans? Oh, you mean this delicious drug test? Yummy in the tummy.) [McClatchy] Read more on Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People… Read more on Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People…
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Non-Bin-Laden Bloody Compound Corpse Photos Released

President Obama may be doing his best to make the Democratic Party, home to the guy who oversaw the murder of the world’s number-one terrorist kingpin, seem effete again by refusing to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse because, like, eww! It’s covered in blood and stuff! Gross! Why do you guys even want to see that? But Reuters has no such qualms. It bought (outbid Gawker?) a series of photos taken by a Pakistan security official at the compound just an hour after the U.S. made their hit and left, and they’re on the Internet. There’s a lot of blood! But no weapons are anywhere to be seen, except for what appears to be a little green plastic water pistol halfway under one of the corpses. Uh, did these guys have actual weapons? Did the terrorists just want to have a Super Soaker fight in the yard with the SEALs, but the SEALs forgot their guns were real? Uhhhhh. [Reuters] Read more on Non-Bin-Laden Bloody Compound Corpse Photos Released… Read more on Non-Bin-Laden Bloody Compound Corpse Photos Released…
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Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian] Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation… Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation…
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NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren

While America’s useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome and disgusting? (Ha-ha, which “they” are we talking about, again?) Here is your “no fly zone,” neoliberal freaks: “NATO bombed Gaddafi’s family compound in an attack officials said killed the leader’s second youngest son and three grandchildren, ages six months to two years.” Wow, we showed those infants? In a different but equally “winning” maneuver, NATO decimated the Libyan Down’s Syndrome Society, which “prepares children with Down’s Syndrome up to the age of 6 to go to normal schools, giving them speech therapy, handicrafts and sports sessions and teaching them to read and write.” And the Internet is outraged! In fact, Papa John’s just announced on Twitter that they’ve “taken steps to make sure [their] advertising doesn’t appear on NATO’s website in the future.” It’s nice to know that people really care. [The Guardian/Reuters] Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren… Read more on NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren…
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‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about “Osama bin Laden” being buried at sea, just hours after being “killed” by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure Osama was buried with dignity: “After Bin Laden was killed in a raid by U.S. forces in Pakistan, senior administration officials said the body would be handled according to Islamic practice and tradition. That practice calls for the body to be buried within 24 hours … The U.S. decided to bury him at sea.” Ha-ha, what, are you surprised? Don’t be! We have been robot-bombing/torturing/raping/slaughtering Muslims in accordance to Islamic practice and tradition for more than ten years. And that is why we hastily dumped “Osama bin Laden’s dead corpse” into the ocean before anyone could get a good look at him — because we respect Islam and all of its followers. (Just read that sentence a few times; let the sadness seep in.) Oh, and slightly off-topic: That pic of Dead-Laden was definitely photoshopped, according to The Telegraph. But don’t let that stop you! Add that hawt foto to your Facebook Freedom album, and then tag the shit out of it! Americans love their Kodak memories. [LAT/The Telegraph] Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’… Read more on ‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’…
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Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy] Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably… Read more on Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably…
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Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill] Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department… Read more on Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department…
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Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked “to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to “fire” all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that’s what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [WaPo] Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom… Read more on Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom…
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Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard

Teevee’s hairless harlequin Donald Trump is angry at Barack Obama and Robert De Niro, for some reason. (We all know why The Donald is furious at Obama — no birdcertificate — but De Niro? He said something obvious and uncontroversial, like “Donald Trump should shut his pie-hole and die.”) That is a lot of anger! And now Trump will probably send his private investigators to RottenTomatoes.com, to give Robert lots of nasty reviews. But here’s the juiciest new Donald scoop: Obama was a lousy student, and probably cheated his way into Harvard! “I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can’t get into Harvard,” explained Trump. “How does a bad student [Barack Obama!] go to Columbia and then to Harvard? I’m thinking about it, I’m certainly looking into it. Let him show his records.” Oh gawd oh gawd oh gawd. Meanwhile, serious journalists are wondering if Trump’s “brand” will benefit from a presidential run. Keep asking the tough questions, guys! [LAT] Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard… Read more on Brain-Dead Donald Suggests Obama Was Too Stupid To Go To Harvard…
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Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’

Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden a nuclear weapon in Europe for detonation should Osama Bin laden be captured.” Haha, Osama bin Laden had rotting kidneys, so he’s definitely already dead. (Unless of course he had a hand-held dialysis machine — an iDialysis? — that he used “on the go,” while running away from Navy SEALs in the mountain caves of Tora Bora.) Or maybe Osama bin Laden still works for the CIA? We’ll probably never know! At any rate: Gitmo is full of “drivers, farmers and chefs.” We are monsters, never forget. [BBC] Read more on Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’… Read more on Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’…
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Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election

Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady “found” 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has requested a recount, probably because Prosser is only ahead by 7,316 votes, which is 0.5 percent of the 1.5 million votes cast statewide. More liberal tricks! First Kloppenburg declared victory without even considering that some lady would find 14,000 votes a day after the election results were announced. And now this, a recount? Nobody knows how long this process will take, or how many union thugs Scott Walker will have to fire in retaliation. [Reuters] Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election… Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election…
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New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’

Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she could use to transport Bradley Manning to rape prisons in the future.) Uh. Anyway, new terror alter system, guys! And now there is officially no such thing as a “Low” or “Guarded” Threat Level — these levels are not even remotely possible — since we are going to be fighting imaginary bogeymen until the Earth is gobbled up by a black hole, or a giant radioactive tsunami wipes out the federal government, or maybe both. Ha-ha. Oh crap. [NPR] Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’… Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’…
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Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler’s birthday] Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!… Read more on Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!…