pt it’s morning in america

Uh oh! Yesterday, when Mitt Romney wasn’t around to protect the defenseless Zionist nation, world bully Barack Obama beat it to a bloody pulp, saying in a speech that an Israel-Palestine peace deal should start with restoring the borders prior to the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and Israel should stop occupying territories they didn’t hold before […]

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. “RCP has learned that political associates have begun to nose around quietly on Perry’s behalf.” Ooh! “Political associates!” (This […]

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose […]

Uh oh, you guys, a Republican presidential candidate Said a Thing Yesterday, and considering there was no higher profile candidate to trump (PUN?!) his thing, Newt Gingrich is your official Monday morning Guy Who Said a Thing Yesterday. On Meet the Press (which confirms that this happened Sunday, because if it’s Sunday), criticized the Republican […]

Mitt Romney has a HUGE liability in the Republican presidential race: He once helped people who needed health insurance get it, so their health and finances wouldn’t be ruined simply because their fellow citizens didn’t care if they died. Whoops! Doesn’t he know his party faithful hates protecting the lives of people who aren’t fetuses? […]

“It is just too easy,” dutiful Fox News screecher Sarah Palin said to get another check last night, referring to her ability to pick a fight with the White House for allowing a (CELEBRATED) black hip-hop artist into the building, knowing that a very familiar segment of the country will automatically believe any negative thing […]

Here is what Congress is getting done these days: If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to eat dinner with his family, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to stop […]

Here’s some good news for ally relations: If Pakistan had noticed the U.S. troops entering Pakistan airspace to take out bin Laden in time and opened fire on them, as they likely would have, the U.S. was prepared to shoot back and send in reinforcements to fight the Pakistanis until bin Laden’s body was back […]

Pakistan has been paid off for years to be an ally of the United States. The U.S. would like them to start acting like it. Quickly. Some Pakistani officials were allowing Osama bin Laden to hide in their dusty gated community in the suburbs just miles away from a key military academy (and, probably, 20 […]

Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare money, for food? No sir, you need that money to pay for your drug test.) Anyway: […]

President Obama may be doing his best to make the Democratic Party, home to the guy who oversaw the murder of the world’s number-one terrorist kingpin, seem effete again by refusing to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse because, like, eww! It’s covered in blood and stuff! Gross! Why do you guys even want […]

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to […]

While America’s useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome and disgusting? (Ha-ha, which “they” are we talking about, again?) Here is your “no fly zone,” […]

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about “Osama bin Laden” being buried at sea, just hours after being “killed” by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure Osama was buried with dignity: “After Bin Laden was killed in a raid by U.S. forces […]

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal […]