Tag: pt it’s morning in america

Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground

Uh oh! Yesterday, when Mitt Romney wasn't around to protect the defenseless Zionist nation, world bully Barack Obama beat it to a bloody pulp, saying in a speech that an Israel-Palestine peace deal should start with restoring the borders...

‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam’; Haha, What?

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. "RCP has learned...

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband...

Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore

Uh oh, you guys, a Republican presidential candidate Said a Thing Yesterday, and considering there was no higher profile candidate to trump (PUN?!) his thing, Newt Gingrich is your official Monday morning Guy Who Said a Thing Yesterday. On...

Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are

Mitt Romney has a HUGE liability in the Republican presidential race: He once helped people who needed health insurance get it, so their health and finances wouldn't be ruined simply because their fellow citizens didn't care if they died....

Sarah Palin Earns Fox News Check By Implying Common, Obama Are Racist

"It is just too easy," dutiful Fox News screecher Sarah Palin said to get another check last night, referring to her ability to pick a fight with the White House for allowing a (CELEBRATED) black hip-hop artist into the...

Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him

Here is what Congress is getting done these days: If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to eat dinner with his family, he...

U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden

Here's some good news for ally relations: If Pakistan had noticed the U.S. troops entering Pakistan airspace to take out bin Laden in time and opened fire on them, as they likely would have, the U.S. was prepared to...

U.S. Doesn’t Want To Go To War With Pakistan, But They’re Making It Hard

Pakistan has been paid off for years to be an ally of the United States. The U.S. would like them to start acting like it. Quickly. Some Pakistani officials were allowing Osama bin Laden to hide in their dusty...

Predictable Florida Governor Will Drug Test Poor People

Koch-gobbling weirdo Rick Scott is about to sign a bill that would require welfare recipients to undergo routine drug testing. Better still, this new legislation makes the poor people pay for their own drug tests! (Do you need welfare...

Non-Bin-Laden Bloody Compound Corpse Photos Released

President Obama may be doing his best to make the Democratic Party, home to the guy who oversaw the murder of the world's number-one terrorist kingpin, seem effete again by refusing to release photos of Osama bin Laden's corpse...

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to "nuclear safety standards in schools." Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed!...

NATO Murders Gaddafi’s Son, Three Grandchildren

While America's useless young people were busy chanting brain-dead Neanderthal slogans in front of the White House on Sunday, angry mobs of uncivilized Africans attacked many of the Western embassies in Tripoli! Why would they do something so loathsome...

‘Osama bin Laden’ Buried At Sea Moments After Being ‘Killed’

Good morning, America is #1, Never Fourget, etc. Is everyone still so excited about "Osama bin Laden" being buried at sea, just hours after being "killed" by the CIA? Our Government really went the extra mile to make sure...

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin' blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the...

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, "The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?" Nope! The War Department. Because when's the last time the United States...