Hmm, what are the Republicans acting outraged about today? The usual — Obama offended the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Biden said something about his basement, Nancy Pelosi is a California lady who has an important job, etc. There are probably Twitters on all these important subjects! But, as the Twitter fad seems to be fading faster than the new Tom Hanks movie about terrible airport paperbacks, the GOP’s hundred warring factions need a new way to scare off the rest of America. Hmm, what’s something that’s destined for failure even when the pros do it? Poetry! MORE »

It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. MORE »

You know what the White House press corps loves more than anything? Naked abuse of power and ritual humiliation. Here, Robert Gibbs has HAD IT with these motherfucking phones in this motherfucking briefing room, so he forcibly takes the mobile from this poor old guy, who was probably just twittering or getting an emergency call from a loved one, on their death bed. MORE »

Remember Sarah Palin, the briefly famous wingnut lady who can’t speak, can’t read and can’t even remember the name of a single newspaper she pretends to read every day? Yeah, she’s getting millions of dollars from HarperCollins to write her “memoirs.” Jesus. She hired a lawyer last year (after she lost the election for McCain) to go after an $11 million advance. MORE »

Doctor Howard Dean got a new job! He will be a “regular contributor” on CNBC, the important business channel which features idiots screaming at each other all day as the stock market does whatever it does — up some days, down some days, etc. Today he did a guest-hosting deal, on some CNBC show. Maybe he’s on right now, who knows! You see, only idiots watch CNBC. It’s a place for cocaine addicts and self-hating day traders and insane old people who think they can “beat the market” and actual retarded people who grab the phone away from the nurse and yell “BOO-YAH.” In other teevee shout-y news, Chris Matthews will be on MSNBC for another four years, which means he won’t be running for the Senate or whatever. [Sam Stein/New York Times]

Populism, hurrah! There are now “Bus Tours of AIG Executives’ Mansions,” in Connecticut. Your tour guide? Chris Dodd, maybe! This will show these wretched villains! Here is the live video. [BoingBoing]

Mark your calendars for the year 2010 everyone, because there’s going to be at least one 2006-George-Allen-level comedic midterm race. Baseball pitcher Sen. Jim Bunning is running for reelection in Kentucky and will lose, loudly. Bunning resurfaced in the media recently for telling a pancreatic cancer-stricken Ruth Bader Ginsburg that she should go die alone, soon. Now Bunning has run into some local Kentucky trouble by snapping at some reporter who asked about his internal poll results, which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself (MSM lies anyway etc etc) except that he used the word “goddamn,” which to Kentuckians is more appalling than raping 40 young children and a grandma. MORE »

CPAC, it is the comedy festival of the year! New GOP leader Michael Steele offered a very honest yet very shitty new marketing strategy to America: “Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad.” No we can’t! And then America’s Idiot, Michele Bachmann, responded with a very humorous blackface minstrel performance in which she repeatedly yelled, “Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man.” [TPM DC]

Possibly the most ignorant motherfucker to ever walk the halls of the Senate, Rick Santorum was sent packing in 2006 because, even by Republican standards, he is an outrageously stupid bigot and total human failure. For some reason, he was allowed to give a “speech” at some college in Nebraska, where he gave his usual historically wrong and intellectually vapid comments about the exciting moros y cristianos battle still happening, in his mind. Oh yes, there were laughs to be had! MORE »

In our first 2009 edition of “Email of the Day,” we bring you two (2) tragic examples of America’s Dumb People fighting a losing battle with words … and one of them also tries (and fails) to deploy the weapon of “sarcasm.” Also: What kind of terrible person refuses to show the Proper Respect to any endeavor loosely connected to some random former Marine? MORE »

Here’s Sarah Palin being interviewed for some guy’s upcoming documentary about how the media stole her presidential victory and gave it to Barack Obama — TOO TRUE — by showing wholesale clips of her babbling embarrassing nonsense for minutes at a time, without interruption. This clip is over nine minutes long but we recommend watching it all, for hilarity. The best parts are when she’s watching old clips of herself being mocked on the interviewer’s portable teevee. She gets angry! [Big Hollywood]