A secret cabal of historians has reached the same conclusion as millions of Earthlings: George W. Bush is the worst president ever, or perhaps second only to James Buchanan. In a shocking survey by George Mason University’s History News Network, 61% of bespectacled stack-dwellers acknowledged that their many years of research, reflection, and professional inquiry pointed to the terrible and incontrovertible fact of George Bush’s assiness. Stinging invective from Professional Historians who all but call him a paint-spackled trollop, after the jump. MORE »

On this day in 1933, another smooth-talking Ivy League hopemonger won the White House during a terrible depression. He was also a minority in a way, in that he had no legs. Meet Franklin D. Roosevelt! You may have heard of him! MORE »

Gennifer Flowers wishes to contribute to American political history in more than just orgasms. This is why she will auction recordings of orgasms she had over the phone with Bill Clinton in 1992. According to her publicist — because Gennifer Flowers has a publicist — the phone chats have “already received a great deal of interest in this project from collectors from all over the world.” Among the interested bidders are every Republican political consultant on earth and every Clinton loyalist in… well, wherever they hide. MORE »

It is the Presidents Day Sale Day, of course, which is why you’re not at work reading Wonkette. But experts say the federal holiday is actually to remember one of the first American presidents, George Washington. Let’s remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife. MORE »

ALCOHOLIC PROGRAMMING NOTE: It’s State of the Union Day! And that means we’ll have an all-new SOTU Wonkette Drinking Game(TM) for you to play at home, with your friends and liver. How long have we done these SOTU bloggy drinking games? Long enough to make it an institution celebrated by the National Media, hooray! Don’t drink and drive, unless you’re a cop or a Kennedy, and check back in a few hours for the rules and ingredient list. (PS IF YOU’RE HOSTING A PUBLIC DRINKING GAME IN D.C. OR ELSEWHERE TONIGHT, EMAIL US NOW.) [Los Angeles Daily News]

The Turks are so angry that a House committee declared their 1915 massacre of 1.5 million Armenians a genocide, they’re going kill all the Kurds. [NYT]

Did you know that Mormonoligist Republican presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney is secretly a Mexican? It’s true! We read it in the Salt Lake Tribune! The column is by their editorial cartoonist (this particular story was apparently too complex to be illustrated by, say, drawing Mitt in a large comedy sombrero). And it’s sure to send shockwaves through the Mexican-Morman-Republican community. MORE »

A House resolution that would recognize the 1915 Armenian Genocide as, well, a genocide is running into some problems: America’s strategic interests! You see, we are best (strategic) buds with the internationally despised Turks, because they let us use an air base. And as we all know, access to air bases trumps symbolic recognition of unthinkable acts of evil every time. MORE »

Recently unearthed Nixon White House tapes (always words we are thrilled to read) reveal that Dick could occasionally be sorta lucid and spot-on, while still spouting obscenities and insults in that classic Nixon style. Back in the dark days of Watergate, a young Republican prosecutor named Fred Thompson (whose exciting first debate is being liveblogged below as we speak!) was appointed by the Senate to join Democratic prosecutor Sam Dash in investigating Nixon’s various and sundry crimes. Dick was not particularly happy to hear this. MORE »

Yesterday’s Maureen Dowd column (oh, thank heavens for the end of TimesSelect!) was a wacky inside joke in which Dowd wrote ostensibly from the perspective of Justice Clarence Thomas, railing against Al Gore and disguising it as Anita Hill. Thomas refuses to apologize for denying Gore the presidency because he is a bore. It has been a while since we actually read MoDo regularly, so maybe our grasp of her grasp of irony is a bit rusty, but the whole thing is kinda funny considering how Dowd herself is nearly as responsible for Al’s political destruction as one vilified member of the court that sold him out! MORE »

Bill and Hillary are apparently responsible for the Bush presidency, according to Vanity Fair’s October issue. As we all could’ve probably guessed, Al Gore’s loss in the 2000 election was entirely the fault of the the Clintons, who used all their fundraising acumen and massive charm reserves to get Hillary elected to the Senate instead of helping Bill’s rightful successor, Al, get elected despite his best efforts to fuck the whole thing up. MORE »