WHY DOES MICHELLE OBAMA HATE OUR NATION’S PROVIDERS OF TELEVISION ENTERTAINMENT? “She said that she had instituted what she called ‘Camp Obama’ at the White House, which means that the TV and computer stay off all day until after dinner and before bedtime, adding that bed time was early.” It is terribly unpatriotic to prevent one’s children from watching television 16 hours a day in the summer. How else are they going to learn English? [First Read]

South Carolina granola hippie Mark Sanford just couldn’t take the pressure, man, so he put on his Tevas and headed up to the mountains to clear his head. Nothing like some Kinhin walking meditation to get the fear of The Man — that man, the prez — out of your soul. At least out here on the Appalachian Trail, mean old Barack Obama with his suits and his money and his power trips can’t bum you out …. unless uptight Obama is even using his Power Trip Stimulus Money on the trail itself. MORE »

Flash mob, you guys! Cryptic playing card mementos, just like the Joker used! What’s it all add up to? A very urgent Citizen Effort to halt climate change, taking place at your local Longworth cafeteria in, hmm, 45 minutes or so. MORE »

Spring is almost here! How do we know? These goddamn hippies doing “magic” outside the White House. Stalin wouldn’t allow this if he was still president. [Daily Motion]

Some liberal group of liberals produced a fake edition of the New York Times revealing all the wonderful things that will happen once hippies rule the world, next July. The evil corporate Harvard Business School will close forever; George Bush will be tried for war crimes; and the Patriot Act will be repealed by a 99-1 vote, with only a drunken Jon Kyl dissenting. Jesus, reading this thing is like crawling in Medea Benjamin’s brain. Come join us in a tour of this bleeding-heart masturbation pamphlet. MORE »

Few signs are more telling of a remediless Republican campaign than a wacky attack ad about ’60s hippies smoking marijuana cigarettes. The conservative group Freedom’s Watch has just made this one against Democratic Colorado Senate candidate Mark Udall. Because you’d have to be high on drugs to support peace, HMM? [Scorecard]

On our 17-mile march from downtown Denver to “The Perimeter,” which is a police blockade at least another 17 miles from the actual Pepsi Center, we ran into these friends. Thousands of riot cops, thousands of hippies, thousands of blocked crossways and pedestrian routes to The Perimeter. They are protesting Barack Obama’s War in Iraq, as well as the fact that anyone is dying anywhere in the world. Let’s immanentize their eschaton, after the jump. MORE »

Denver has this peculiar thing that’s been in the news the last couple of years in which the city has more or less decriminalized, or stopped enforcing, marijuana laws for small amounts. On the other hand, Colorado state laws override the city’s initiative, and they suck. But overall, if you want to smoke your marijuana cigarettes, Denver’s a pretty good place to do so. EXCEPT WHEN THE STUPID DEMOCRATS COME TO TOWN. MORE »

Oh now what is this idiot monster chicken up to? No good! He is an envoy from Nick Leibham, the Democratic challenger to Republican Rep. Brian Bilbray in California’s 50th Congressional District — the northern San Diego seat formerly occupied by Duke “Dick” Cunningham. Liebham made the chicken deliver a letter to Bilbray’s office that called him a chicken for agreeing to debates in San Diego. If one actual chicken calls another person a chicken, then is that really an insult? Everyone in California sucks and Brian Bilbray’s vanity daughter “Briana” is hot, the end. [San Diego Union-Tribune, Flickr]

Here’s a new “biographical” ad from John McCain, where we learn — get this — that while a bunch of hippie anarcho-pinkist fags like 7-year-old Barack Obama spent five years mud-fucking on the AIDSy grounds of Woodstock in the 1960s, McCain was at a subprime torture hotel in Vietnam. The ad concludes with a number of inspirational messages that will surely drive voters to his corner, such as “John McCain doesn’t always tell us what we hope to hear” and “Don’t hope for a better life.” This rhetoric. We are overcome. [YouTube]

Thanks to Wonkette hippie operative “Joe” for sending us a shot of this hippie protest sign, which is exactly correct. The hippies did save John McCain, so that he could come back to abandon his newly crippled wife.