Tag: pt gifzette daily briefing

Romney Beats Santorum By Just 0.000002667% of U.S. Population

NEW YORK—Hi good morning! Did you also stay awake until 3am last night to learn who 0.04% of the American population considers the preferable Republican candidate? No? Well good for you! Because boy did we just feel like a...

Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!

NEW YORK—Friends, we have arrived. Months and months of penetrating insight and attentive poll-watching from our dedicated, thoughtful crew of professional political reporters have all been leading up to this moment, when tonight, in living rooms and VFW halls...

Steny Hoyer Slaps John Boehner Around As Things Get Uglier For GOP

NEW YORK—Horrible news out of Baghdad this morning, where a series of car bombs has now killed in excess of seventy and injured two hundred more. Today's attack is symbolically significant, being the first such display of sectarian strife...

Serious Journalists Begin To Wonder: Is Ron Paul Racist? Is Sarah Palin Still Not Running?

NEW YORK—Good morning, Internet! Or not, actually, because we have to talk about the payroll tax cut again—and we're getting so tired of talking about the payroll tax cut. So very tired. But here we are! Because John Boehner,...

Holiday Deaths: Kim Jong Il, Payroll Tax Deal, Newt’s Frontrunner Status

NEW YORK—Well it was a rough weekend for the living. As the Internet continued grieving Friday's death of Christopher Hitchens, it lost yet another one of its beloved icons last night, as Dear Leader Kim Jong-il succumbed to a...

Bachmann Calls Life Beginning At Conception ‘Seminal Issue,’ Bad Man Calls Democrats ‘Nazis’

NEW YORK—The Iowa debate season wrapped up last night on Fox News, and pats on the back all around, because we survived, y'all! So there were winners last night. And there were also losers! But we don't know how...

Combat Operations In Iraq End a Second Time, Gingrich Loses Coveted Gary Busey Endorsement

NEW YORK—A triumphant President Obama landed a Navy S-3B Viking on board the USS Lincoln yesterday to announce the end of maj— Hahaha siiiike. No for real though, the war is actually "over" now. Like, for real this time! It's so...

Melting Ice Caps To Kill Us; Rich Man Builds Space Rescue Plane Just In Time

NEW YORK—The eagerly awaited Time magazine Person of the Year award is out, and we just want to say what an honor it is to have received this award for an unprecedented second time. Time gave the nod this...

The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was

NEW YORK—The gloves are off at the head of the pack in the GOP primary, with Gingrich and Romney trading blows on the campaign trail yesterday. And things are getting fun! Romney called on Newt to return the $1.6...

Science Suddenly Inconvenient For Obama; Higgs Boson Leads Iowa Polls

NEW YORK—Have you been watching "Up" with Chris Hayes? You should be! It's really, really wonderful. Though honestly kind of creepy? Because that man is smart. Freakishly so. As in: he does this weird thing where whenever one of...

Obama Defends Plan B Nonsense, Republicans Do Not Like This Whole ‘Consumer Protection’ Idea

NEW YORK—Virginia Tech was in everyone's thoughts yesterday after a gunman shot and killed a police officer before taking his own life in a nearby parking lot. Virginia Tech's Collegiate Times is "at a loss" over this "inexplicable shooting."...

Plan-B Access Denied by Incorrigible Twits, GOP Very Upset Obama Trying to Appoint Cabinet Secretary

For the first time in the 105-year history of the Food and Drug Administration an FDA directive has been publicly overruled by the department of Health and Human Services. About what? About teenagers doing it! That's right, FDA commissioner...

The Good News is Gay Rights are Human Rights, the Bad News is Mitt’s New Campaign Song is a Kid Rock Song

NEW YORK—It's the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor today, a day that has indeed lived in infamy, providing us with our annual reminder that you can all probably take those "never forget" bumper stickers off your cars because human...

S&P Threatens to Downgrade Everyone, Donald Trump Still as Annoying as Ever

The S&P threatened to downgrade basically all of Europe yesterday, while news is breaking this morning of further downgrade threats to the Euro bailout fund. So obviously the key move now for Europe is to just bundle up all...

Newt Grabs Coveted Cain Endorsement, Huntsman LOLs at Trump

Well the Cainwreck is finally over, but prepare for at least another day of Cain-related headlines, because Herm is set to instruct his fourteen remaining supporters to throw their weight behind Newt Gingrich. And fresh off the coveted Cain endorsement,...

Jobs Report Slightly Less Awful, Democrats About to Beat GOP For Once

NEW YORK—Big news this morning out of the Bureau of Labor Statistics: the unemployment rate dropped! Like, a lot! People without jobs are now at the lowest number they've been at since six months or so after the economy...