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  gifzette daily briefing

Romney Beats Santorum By Just 0.000002667% of U.S. Population

NEW YORK—Hi good morning! Did you also stay awake until 3am last night to learn who 0.04% of the American population considers the preferable Republican candidate? No? Well good for you! Because boy did we just feel like a bunch of jerks for staying up like this was Florida 2000 or something. And it wasn’t even close! Because Romney cleaned Santorum’s clock by a staggering eight votes, fully seven more than it took George Bush to beat Al Gore in 2000’s Supreme Court election. Eight votes! That breaks down to something like 12% of the total number of ballots cast in Tuesday night’s contest. This thing wasn’t even close! Read more on Romney Beats Santorum By Just 0.000002667% of U.S. Population…
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Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!

NEW YORK—Friends, we have arrived. Months and months of penetrating insight and attentive poll-watching from our dedicated, thoughtful crew of professional political reporters have all been leading up to this moment, when tonight, in living rooms and VFW halls across the frost covered fields of the great state of Iowa, a block of voters representing fewer than three one-hundredths of one percent of the total US population kick off this year’s Republican nominating contest. It is here that so many months of breathless speculation will finally see a pay off when panelists, columnists, and editorial boards all simultaneously turn their attention to… breathlessly speculating about exit polls! Before it starts all over again for New Hampshire! And then South Carolina! And then in Florida and again on Super Tuesday until a president is finally elected on November 6th and we can all get back to the important business of breathlessly speculating about who will be running in 2016. Read more on Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!…
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Steny Hoyer Slaps John Boehner Around As Things Get Uglier For GOP

NEW YORK—Horrible news out of Baghdad this morning, where a series of car bombs has now killed in excess of seventy and injured two hundred more. Today’s attack is symbolically significant, being the first such display of sectarian strife since the departure of American troops. The attack has left many on edge, worrying that Nuri al-Maliki’s fragile bargaining with Iraq’s minority Sunnis and Kurds could erupt into more widespread violence. The only silver lining to this devastating attack is that the United States Senate is in recess, meaning we won’t have to endure the Gentleman from Arizona take to the floor to turn this into a political football. Read more on Steny Hoyer Slaps John Boehner Around As Things Get Uglier For GOP…
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Serious Journalists Begin To Wonder: Is Ron Paul Racist? Is Sarah Palin Still Not Running?

NEW YORK—Good morning, Internet! Or not, actually, because we have to talk about the payroll tax cut again—and we’re getting so tired of talking about the payroll tax cut. So very tired. But here we are! Because John Boehner, a man widely heralded for his opposition to the punting of things and the kicking of metaphorical cans down proverbial roads decided yesterday to kick the can down the bicameral road and punt on a House vote scheduled for late last night on the Senate’s draft of the bill. The delay was necessary because whips were still busy rounding up votes on a procedural maneuver to send the bill back to a conference committee (a fun little parliamentary shimmy that would allow caucus members to reject the bill without casting an actual ‘no’ vote). Read more on Serious Journalists Begin To Wonder: Is Ron Paul Racist? Is Sarah Palin Still Not Running?…
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Holiday Deaths: Kim Jong Il, Payroll Tax Deal, Newt’s Frontrunner Status

NEW YORK—Well it was a rough weekend for the living. As the Internet continued grieving Friday’s death of Christopher Hitchens, it lost yet another one of its beloved icons last night, as Dear Leader Kim Jong-il succumbed to a heart attack that was deftly spun by his handlers as a case of “train fatigue.” Let all those jerks who use their mobiles in the quiet car be on notice: your intransigence is deadly. Read more on Holiday Deaths: Kim Jong Il, Payroll Tax Deal, Newt’s Frontrunner Status…
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Bachmann Calls Life Beginning At Conception ‘Seminal Issue,’ Bad Man Calls Democrats ‘Nazis’

NEW YORK—The Iowa debate season wrapped up last night on Fox News, and pats on the back all around, because we survived, y’all! So there were winners last night. And there were also losers! But we don’t know how these things work so we’re just taking our cue from the professionals on this. And here is what we’ve learned: Read more on Bachmann Calls Life Beginning At Conception ‘Seminal Issue,’ Bad Man Calls Democrats ‘Nazis’…
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Combat Operations In Iraq End a Second Time, Gingrich Loses Coveted Gary Busey Endorsement

NEW YORK—A triumphant President Obama landed a Navy S-3B Viking on board the USS Lincoln yesterday to announce the end of maj— Hahaha siiiike. No for real though, the war is actually “over” now. Like, for real this time! It’s so “over” there’s no need at all for any scare quotes around the word “over.” None at all. Why do we keep doing that? It’s “over”! Read more on Combat Operations In Iraq End a Second Time, Gingrich Loses Coveted Gary Busey Endorsement…
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Melting Ice Caps To Kill Us; Rich Man Builds Space Rescue Plane Just In Time

NEW YORK—The eagerly awaited Time magazine Person of the Year award is out, and we just want to say what an honor it is to have received this award for an unprecedented second time. Time gave the nod this year to “The Protester,” i.e. us, the editors of The Gifzette, who attended a handful of Occupy Wall St. protests this year. We’re very excited to set this award on our mantle right next to the one we got in 2006 just for having a blog. Read more on Melting Ice Caps To Kill Us; Rich Man Builds Space Rescue Plane Just In Time…
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The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was

NEW YORK—The gloves are off at the head of the pack in the GOP primary, with Gingrich and Romney trading blows on the campaign trail yesterday. And things are getting fun! Romney called on Newt to return the $1.6 million the latter earned doing history for Freddie Mac, which: yes! But then? Newt responded by saying he’d entertain this if and only if “Governor Romney would like to give back all the money he’s earned bankrupting companies and laying off employees over his years.” Which: also yes!! You guys just keep on being you, Newt Romney. Read more on The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was…
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Science Suddenly Inconvenient For Obama; Higgs Boson Leads Iowa Polls

NEW YORK—Have you been watching “Up” with Chris Hayes? You should be! It’s really, really wonderful. Though honestly kind of creepy? Because that man is smart. Freakishly so. As in: he does this weird thing where whenever one of his guests brings up some random new topic he’ll just recap it for everyone watching. Like, just off the top of his head? Without a teleprompter? And it’s crazy! Who let this man with a perfectly healthy frontal cortex on television?! It just makes no sense to us at all. But in any event, Sunday’s show featured a depressing reminder of the President’s remarks in 2009 that “it’s about letting scientists, like those who are here today, do their jobs free from manipulation or coercion and listening to what they tell us, even when it’s inconvenient, especially when it’s inconvenient,” two years before deciding it was too inconvenient teenage girls to have access to emergency contraception. Read more on Science Suddenly Inconvenient For Obama; Higgs Boson Leads Iowa Polls…
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Obama Defends Plan B Nonsense, Republicans Do Not Like This Whole ‘Consumer Protection’ Idea

NEW YORK—Virginia Tech was in everyone’s thoughts yesterday after a gunman shot and killed a police officer before taking his own life in a nearby parking lot. Virginia Tech’s Collegiate Times is “at a loss” over this “inexplicable shooting.” Their special edition is online here (PDF). President Obama formally endorsed HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius’s calamitous ruling on the Plan B emergency contraceptive. “I will say this,” he said, before saying that “as the father of two daughters: I think it is important for us to make sure that we apply some common sense to various rules when it comes to over-the-counter medicine.” On the one hand we have to wonder if this means Tylenol will now require a doctor’s note for everyone under seventeen with a headache. But on the other, you know, when every conservative in the country already derides you as the Daddy in Chief because of some actually very sensible public health initiatives (not eating Big Macs, say), it’s probably not the best idea to make one of your biggest voting blocs (i.e. ladies) (and some gents!) feel kind of exactly the same way. Not hating, just saying, etc. (Nah, we’re totally hating.) Read more on Obama Defends Plan B Nonsense, Republicans Do Not Like This Whole ‘Consumer Protection’ Idea…
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Plan-B Access Denied by Incorrigible Twits, GOP Very Upset Obama Trying to Appoint Cabinet Secretary

For the first time in the 105-year history of the Food and Drug Administration an FDA directive has been publicly overruled by the department of Health and Human Services. About what? About teenagers doing it! That’s right, FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg released a statement yesterday declaring that Plan-B, an emergency contraceptive long known to anyone paying attention to be even safer than aspirin, should be available over the counter to people of all ages (read: all people doing it with other people). HHS director Kathleen Sebelius, however, swiftly responded and publicly vetoed Hamburg, declaring that the drug could only be sold over the counter to sexually active girls age seventeen and older. And for those under the age of seventeen? Well, they’re just going to have to get a doctor’s note. Read more on Plan-B Access Denied by Incorrigible Twits, GOP Very Upset Obama Trying to Appoint Cabinet Secretary…
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The Good News is Gay Rights are Human Rights, the Bad News is Mitt’s New Campaign Song is a Kid Rock Song

NEW YORK—It’s the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor today, a day that has indeed lived in infamy, providing us with our annual reminder that you can all probably take those “never forget” bumper stickers off your cars because human beings are actually pretty good at remembering terrible things that have happened to them, thank you very much. Read more on The Good News is Gay Rights are Human Rights, the Bad News is Mitt’s New Campaign Song is a Kid Rock Song…
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S&P Threatens to Downgrade Everyone, Donald Trump Still as Annoying as Ever

The S&P threatened to downgrade basically all of Europe yesterday, while news is breaking this morning of further downgrade threats to the Euro bailout fund. So obviously the key move now for Europe is to just bundle up all of its various countries’ debt into one big asset-backed security with Germany in the top tranche and Italy in the bottom one and then the S&P will be all “AAAA++++++ WOULD BUY AGAIN.” Read more on S&P Threatens to Downgrade Everyone, Donald Trump Still as Annoying as Ever…
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Jobs Report Slightly Less Awful, Democrats About to Beat GOP For Once

NEW YORK—Big news this morning out of the Bureau of Labor Statistics: the unemployment rate dropped! Like, a lot! People without jobs are now at the lowest number they’ve been at since six months or so after the economy fell off a cliff (which, it should be noted, still remains at an astoundingly high 13.3 million people without jobs). Read more on Jobs Report Slightly Less Awful, Democrats About to Beat GOP For Once…