pt gifzette daily briefing
Republicans Outraged that Obama is Obstructing their Obstruction
NEW YORK—Ok, picture it: the President has brought an appointment before the Senate for approval. And it’s a curious appointment! Because it’s a nominee who actually fundamentally does not quite like the department he’s supposed to be heading. In fact, he doesn’t even think it should exist! Which is kind of odd, right? Since you’d [...]
Romney Beats Santorum By Just 0.000002667% of U.S. Population
NEW YORK—Hi good morning! Did you also stay awake until 3am last night to learn who 0.04% of the American population considers the preferable Republican candidate? No? Well good for you! Because boy did we just feel like a bunch of jerks for staying up like this was Florida 2000 or something. And it wasn’t [...]
Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!
NEW YORK—Friends, we have arrived. Months and months of penetrating insight and attentive poll-watching from our dedicated, thoughtful crew of professional political reporters have all been leading up to this moment, when tonight, in living rooms and VFW halls across the frost covered fields of the great state of Iowa, a block of voters representing [...]
Steny Hoyer Slaps John Boehner Around As Things Get Uglier For GOP
NEW YORK—Horrible news out of Baghdad this morning, where a series of car bombs has now killed in excess of seventy and injured two hundred more. Today’s attack is symbolically significant, being the first such display of sectarian strife since the departure of American troops. The attack has left many on edge, worrying that Nuri [...]
Serious Journalists Begin To Wonder: Is Ron Paul Racist? Is Sarah Palin Still Not Running?
NEW YORK—Good morning, Internet! Or not, actually, because we have to talk about the payroll tax cut again—and we’re getting so tired of talking about the payroll tax cut. So very tired. But here we are! Because John Boehner, a man widely heralded for his opposition to the punting of things and the kicking of [...]
Holiday Deaths: Kim Jong Il, Payroll Tax Deal, Newt’s Frontrunner Status
NEW YORK—Well it was a rough weekend for the living. As the Internet continued grieving Friday’s death of Christopher Hitchens, it lost yet another one of its beloved icons last night, as Dear Leader Kim Jong-il succumbed to a heart attack that was deftly spun by his handlers as a case of “train fatigue.” Let [...]
Bachmann Calls Life Beginning At Conception ‘Seminal Issue,’ Bad Man Calls Democrats ‘Nazis’
NEW YORK—The Iowa debate season wrapped up last night on Fox News, and pats on the back all around, because we survived, y’all! So there were winners last night. And there were also losers! But we don’t know how these things work so we’re just taking our cue from the professionals on this. And here [...]
Combat Operations In Iraq End a Second Time, Gingrich Loses Coveted Gary Busey Endorsement
NEW YORK—A triumphant President Obama landed a Navy S-3B Viking on board the USS Lincoln yesterday to announce the end of maj— Hahaha siiiike. No for real though, the war is actually “over” now. Like, for real this time! It’s so “over” there’s no need at all for any scare quotes around the word “over.” [...]
Melting Ice Caps To Kill Us; Rich Man Builds Space Rescue Plane Just In Time
NEW YORK—The eagerly awaited Time magazine Person of the Year award is out, and we just want to say what an honor it is to have received this award for an unprecedented second time. Time gave the nod this year to “The Protester,” i.e. us, the editors of The Gifzette, who attended a handful of [...]
The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was
NEW YORK—The gloves are off at the head of the pack in the GOP primary, with Gingrich and Romney trading blows on the campaign trail yesterday. And things are getting fun! Romney called on Newt to return the $1.6 million the latter earned doing history for Freddie Mac, which: yes! But then? Newt responded by [...]
Science Suddenly Inconvenient For Obama; Higgs Boson Leads Iowa Polls
NEW YORK—Have you been watching “Up” with Chris Hayes? You should be! It’s really, really wonderful. Though honestly kind of creepy? Because that man is smart. Freakishly so. As in: he does this weird thing where whenever one of his guests brings up some random new topic he’ll just recap it for everyone watching. Like, [...]
Obama Defends Plan B Nonsense, Republicans Do Not Like This Whole ‘Consumer Protection’ Idea
NEW YORK—Virginia Tech was in everyone’s thoughts yesterday after a gunman shot and killed a police officer before taking his own life in a nearby parking lot. Virginia Tech’s Collegiate Times is “at a loss” over this “inexplicable shooting.” Their special edition is online here (PDF). President Obama formally endorsed HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius’s calamitous [...]
The Good News is Gay Rights are Human Rights, the Bad News is Mitt’s New Campaign Song is a Kid Rock Song
NEW YORK—It’s the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor today, a day that has indeed lived in infamy, providing us with our annual reminder that you can all probably take those “never forget” bumper stickers off your cars because human beings are actually pretty good at remembering terrible things that have happened to them, thank you [...]
S&P Threatens to Downgrade Everyone, Donald Trump Still as Annoying as Ever
The S&P threatened to downgrade basically all of Europe yesterday, while news is breaking this morning of further downgrade threats to the Euro bailout fund. So obviously the key move now for Europe is to just bundle up all of its various countries’ debt into one big asset-backed security with Germany in the top tranche [...]
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