Richmond Remainders: Washington’s Would-Be Tomb!
Thursday, April 30th, 2009
So no less than three (3) Richmond people told us that we just HAD to go visit the Hollywood Cemetery, where Jim Morrison is buried, because nowhere else will you see such an outstanding specimen of pastoral cemetery design. Of course we had no time to visit this ghoulish wasteland of cadavers, so we saw the next best thing: a monument to George Washington, located just outside the Virginia State House. This monument included a little door in the bottom to put Washington’s corpse in, but then obviously Washington was too big to fit through it (he is at the top there). Plus he was already dead and buried up at Mount Vernon, so now they use the little hobbit-door for storing wine and ripe cheeses. MORE »
So we arrived here late, of course, due to Tories, and scarfed down a few blueberry muffins before departing on a grand tour of George Washington’s farm. We saw a museum under a sheep pasture, where they store George Washington’s skull (pictured above). Did you know the father of our nation was a hologram? Well, now you do. 
Oh here’s Mr. Teleprompter Snob, the president, who apparently thinks he’s president or something, the way he is photographed here in a common business suit. But who’s that hovering over his shoulder? Sure, it’s the real president from the 1790s, George Washington. And what is that hippie sort of ghost face on the left? Why that is Jesus Christ. And what in the hell is over Jesus the Christ’s head? Why that is Darth Vader. Barack Obama has no respect for our blurry forefathers, blurry fathers who have gone to the dark side after being chopped up by Obi-Wan Kenobi, and our 
George W. Bush, remember that guy? Liked to dance with foreign leaders and start wars a lot? He’s so much more likable now that he’s not running the country! For example, back in the day if he’d had the temerity to visit a local elementary school we would probably have said something snide like, “Oh great you remember what happened 
Did you know that according to THE LAW, this holiday is simply called “Washington’s Birthday” and not “President’s Day,” as the mattress stores and car dealers have taught you to believe. According to one person on the Internet, the misconception — like most misconceptions, as well as abortion — stems from some liberals getting together back in the day and trying to ruin America. 
On this very boring news day, let us rejoice that we have the fake birthday of George Washington to celebrate. Ken has already wrung 
It’s the Presidents’ Day Sale Day, of course, which is why you’re not at work reading Wonkette. But experts say the federal holiday is actually to remember one of the first American presidents, George Washington. Let’s remember the good times and the bad, like when his 300 African slaves tried to kill his wife. 
PLUS THAT GIANT STONE PHALLUS: “Was this man, George Washington, truly our greatest president? No, not at all! Most historians put him in the ‘Top 50,’ at best. But he was the first president, of America, and for that we honor his service to our country.” [
Do you like comics, and 
A teevee critic for the Los Angeles Times is very evil and terroristic and probably also gives AIDS to small children with her “Liberal STD Gun” because look what she wrote in a review of HBO’s John Adams series: “George Washington (David Morse) so quickly tired of the infighting among his Cabinet and vagaries of public opinion that he stepped down from the presidency after a single term.” Blasphemy, you modern-day Benedict Arnold from France! 