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  fruits and nuts

John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars

Pity poor Weeper of the House John Boehner. He only just got the memo that conservatives are … how shall we put this delicately? … completely bugfuck insane: House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday held firm in his criticism of outside conservative groups after a war of words Wednesday, questioning their credibility and saying they’ve gone “over the line” for attacking a budget deal brokered by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). “Frankly I think they’re misleading their followers. I think they’re pushing our members in places where they want to be. And frankly I just think they’ve lost all credibility,” he told reporters at his weekly press conference Thursday. Boehner is none too pleased that the tentative budget deal in which conservatives get basically everything they want — more money for the military, no new taxes, plus some extra screwing of government workers, just for kicks, and a promise to maybe think about extending unemployment benefits at a later time maybe wink wink — is still making the kamikaze wing of the Republican Party shake its tiny fists of rage just because the deal does not include making Obama impeach himself, making poors even poorer because that’ll learn ‘em to be poors, or drowning the government in a bathtub. As soon as the deal was announced, and before anyone even knew what was in it, conservative deep-thinkers from the Club For Growth, Heritage Action, and FreedomWorks started getting all whiny and insisting it is a Bad Thing and John Boehner is a Bad Man who is trying to destroy the party and the Republic itself and other similar arglebargling sounds. And hoo boy does Boehner hate when unreasonable people get all kinds of critical about stuff they don’t even understand: “There comes a point when people step over the line. When you criticize something and you have no idea what you’re criticizing, it undermines your credibility.” Read more on John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars…
  fruits and nuts

Colorado Senate Lady Serves Up Healthy Word Salad About Diabetes, Fried Chicken, Armed Robbery, The Usual

What is going on in Colorado’s Economic Opportunity Poverty Reduction Task Force today? Oh, the usual: talking about reducing poverty by ending the War on Poverty, and also fried chicken and barbecue and Mexicans need to eat their vegetables so all the children can stop armed robbing each other out of boredom. You know: your usual Wednesday in the Derplands. (Audio at the link.) Tell us your thoughts, at length, state Senator Vicki Marble (R – duh): “the barbecue and the fried chicken and diabeetus and war on poverty and armed robbery and the Mexicans in Mexico they eat lots of vegetables but once they come up here they get Americanized and now they are fat and don’t eat their vegetables, and the blacks have sickle cell anemia and why do the children armed rob?” Direct quote y’all, we are pretty sure. Read more on Colorado Senate Lady Serves Up Healthy Word Salad About Diabetes, Fried Chicken, Armed Robbery, The Usual…
  fruits and nuts

Gigantic Radical Homosexual Agenda Busy Tearing Holes In All The Bottoms (VIDEO)

Quick, everybody leave the engine on your Hummer running, all night, with the AC cranked! Sorry the Maldives, but we must use global warming to melt all the icebergs, because gays! Wait what? Oh, humanity is the Titanic, and gays are the iceberg that murders the Titanic. But what does that make Leonardo DiCaprio? It makes him Jesus (“King” of the “World,” amirite?) dying for Kate Winslet’s sins. And who is the drunken captain? (John Boehner.) (Oh wait, that was the Exxon Valdez.) (Did the Titanic have a drunken captain? If you have seen the movie, could you let us know?) What about that captain in Italy who refused to go back on the ship and help save all his passengers? (He is Barack Obama, probably, because he was a shiftless pussy.) Read more on Gigantic Radical Homosexual Agenda Busy Tearing Holes In All The Bottoms (VIDEO)…
  fruits and nuts

Serial Watermelon Murderer and Rightwing Paranoiac Gallagher Has Heart Attack Again

On the news that legendary prop comic Gallagher has suffered his second heart attack in two weeks, Your Wonkette is reminded of this classic piece of Journalism from Seattle’s The Stranger, in which intrepid reporter Lindy West sat through Gallagher’s horrifying “comedy” show, which seemed to have been two hours of dick-lickin’ homophobia and not-that-coded racism. Apparently, it was sort of like listening to “entertainer” Rush Limbaugh. “Hey, President Obama,” he spits out the name like a mouthful of burning hair. “You ain’t black. I don’t care what you say—you’re a latte. You’re half whole-milk. It could be goat milk—you could be a terrorist!” I am too busy losing my mind to catch the next joke, which is about Ted Kennedy’s brain cancer. Aaaaand we’re off. Read more on Serial Watermelon Murderer and Rightwing Paranoiac Gallagher Has Heart Attack Again…