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Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday

Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First Niñas on a ski adventure in Aspen, Colorado, providing the American people with a sixteenth(!!!!) occasion to explode with rage. But this wasn’t actually our FLOTUS’ most scandalous action over the weekend. Over at CNN, there is somebody with a grievance against the First Lady, and surprisingly, it is not because of her fancy vacations. It is because of the way she is taking those fancy vacations, on holidays that do not exist. Read more on Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday…
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Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’

Were you aware that we, as a nation, are currently celebrating the second anniversary of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign? Probably not, because McDonald’s did not advertise this on its napkins. Our FLOTUS, the arms and inspiration behind the campaign, knew it was time to celebrate, however, and so she embarked upon a cross-country birthday tour, hitting some of America’s most well-known and cherished obesity strongholds. Apparently this is also why she challenged Ellen DeGeneres to a push-up contest last week on teevee, although we thought it was just to stir up trouble, for fun. This past weekend, Michelle bravely took her health crusade to Texas and Disney World, because she just loves a challenge. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates Fitness Campaign Success With ‘Obesity Tour’…
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Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious

For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to discuss (what else?) Barack Obama’s socks. The gossip is that Barack Obama does not pick up his socks! But our FLOTUS did not really go all the way out to the Ellen show to discuss the White House cleaning services. It was, of course, all about Let’s Move! and childhood obesity. And we would be very bored by this, except that this time, the jackets came off! Our Michelle revealed her workout secrets and then got down on the floor to demonstrate why everyone must fear the arms of America’s First Lady of Fitness. And then some right-wing people on the Internet used their personal mobility devices to drive across the living room to the ‘puter, to complain about the first lady’s “form.” Read more on Michelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious…
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British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear

The Europeans just cannot get enough of our First Lady Michelle Obama. She is all they have right now, with their money spinning down the toilet and Heidi Klum experiencing a divorce tragedy, etc. Last week, the French shared their opinions about Michelle Obama and her brave decision to not dress like MC Hammer. Now, of course, the British have decided that they do not like competing with France for the title of “Country With Best Insane Published Writing About FLOTUS.” But their take on Michelle Obama is a little more “saucy,” as they would say, because it involves (tee hee!) underpants! Read more on British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear…
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Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of pulling up one’s pants, as a dance move. Back in those days, Fat Joe was practically a professional obese person, weighing in at over 450 pounds. But today, he is the image of a Let’s Move! victory, having lost over 100 pounds and even curing his own diabetes! We can imagine why someone decided to tap into his street cred and miraculous weight loss story to bring health to the children of Newark, New Jersey. Read more on Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe…
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FLOTUS Celebrates Birthday, is Crowned Queen of Nickelodeon

Hooray, today is our dear FLOTUS’ birthday! Hopefully you are celebrating this special day with one of those cake-flavored yogurts and a few jumping jacks. FLOTUS foes are of course marking the occasion by continuing their Occupy Denny’s protest, which is probably the longest-running and most effective (hello, obesity!) movement of this century. Last year, our Michelle turned 47 on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, ringing in her next year of life with a church service…yawn. Maybe that was fine last year, but our FLOTUS is ten times the celebrity she was in 2011. She was recently featured in a scandalous book about how awful it is to live in the White House, and just yesterday, she starred in a popular children’s television program. And apparently, she “nailed it.” So on her birthday, we must ask, where is Michelle’s Golden Globe? Read more on FLOTUS Celebrates Birthday, is Crowned Queen of Nickelodeon…
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New Book Reveals FLOTUS Hates Rahm Emanuel, Just Wants to Party

Hallelujah, our FLOTUS has survived yet another dreadful year in the White House. We don’t really know how she does it, but then again, she looks like she has had a lot of endurance training. So, will 2012 be the dawn of a new era in Michelle Obama’s FLOTUS career, or will we spend another unfortunate year tallying up our First Lady’s vacation costs, and crying because we can’t even afford the latest grilled cheese monstrosity at Denny’s? Nobody knows, but what we do have is a new book that is rumored to include many “juicy details” about our First Lady, details like “she hates Irish Catholics and Rahm Emanuel.” Time to grab that 100-calorie snack pack and one of those reading machines! Read more on New Book Reveals FLOTUS Hates Rahm Emanuel, Just Wants to Party…
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Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
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FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine

When Michelle Obama is bored from exercising with toddlers all day, she takes on her second hobby: supporting The Troops. After all, that is what her recent NASCAR horror and teevee appearance were all about. We thought she was doing these things out of her respect for military families. But as it turns out, she really just thinks Marines are super hawt. Our FLOTUS was spreading the low-fat holiday cheer at a Toys for Tots event last week when a braver, younger, more dashing and more uniformed Barack Obama made a move on Michelle, as Mariah Carey sang in approval. Sasha and Malia, meet your new step dad! Read more on FLOTUS Proves Commitment to Military Families By Dating Marine…
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Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this. Read more on Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising…
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Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored

‘Twas the Christmas Tree-Lighting Time at the White House last Thursday night, and this year’s theme was “Controversy and Nostalgia.” Controversy, because for the first time since the debut of Dallas, there was a new tree at the White House. (The old one got knocked down by winds or Katrina or something, and the new tree is a gay terrorist tree, from New Jersey.) Americans like their traditions, so this was a risky move, but luckily the Olds were entertained by Muppets and that Carson character from the MTV Total Request Live. Our lovely FLOTUS was the star performer, of course. She read a story with Kermit the Frog, which delighted everyone, except Malia Obama, whose life is now ruined. Read more on Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored…
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Michele Bachmann Somehow Unaware She Is Not Michelle Obama

At this point in the week, maybe you have stopped having panic dreams about Michelle Obama dougie-ing into your kitchen to kidnap your pecan pie. She has certainly moved on from our National Day of Obesity and Forgotten Genocide, and is now embracing the holidays to come with her fashion protégés/children and fancy dog. Our FLOTUS is so lovely, which is why many people wish they could live her life, with her beautiful children and fancy dog and absolute control over all the Wal Marts. “People” includes Michele Bachmann, who is actually very offended that she is not recognized as basically the same person as Michelle Obama. Read more on Michele Bachmann Somehow Unaware She Is Not Michelle Obama…
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Michelle Obama Survives Inevitable Taunting From NASCAR Slobs

It wasn’t exactly clear what Michelle Obama did to get sent to what is probably the equivalent of Gitmo, for people who care about their health, but mean old Barry banished our FLOTUS to a NASCAR event on Sunday to cheer on The Troops, and by that we of course mean, “campaign for Barack Obama, basically.” So, did she whip everyone into shape, or do one of those Beyonce dance-offs we have all come to know and expect from our First Lady? Oh, right, she was actually just booed by a bunch of swamp creatures who emerged from their sheds to watch cars drive in a circle for a few hours. Or was she? Read more on Michelle Obama Survives Inevitable Taunting From NASCAR Slobs…
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Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades

Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we’re all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as “food” by any branch of science. But she also likes to surprise us by showing up places where a FLOTUS would not be expected to appear, like on the set of a popular tween teevee show about a girl who doesn’t get knocked up like her Nickelodeon peers despite being named after an mp3 player. Unfortunately, the 2012 End Times are upon us, which means our FLOTUS now must cut back on fun television appearances and start making important trips to awful sporting events, where the important voters are. Like NASCAR! Read more on Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades…
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Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
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Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween

The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, “the holidays” usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad parents kill each other over whatever Furby the kids are freaking out about these days. But since the Obamas are secret Muslim devil-worshippers (ha ha, no one knows the difference between these two things) their holiday season is Halloween. Tensions are running high in the Obama household tonight as our FLOTUS’ desire to put America on a diet has been threatened by that other Obama, who is desperately trying to get anyone, literally anyone, to like him, at the expense of his wife’s anti-obesity initiative. Read more on Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween…
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Michelle Obama Takes Break From Bicep Curls to Learn Twitter (VIDEO)

Your regular installment of the FLOTUS Files was postponed this week, as your FLOTUS correspondent was kidnapped and is currently being held hostage in socialist/communist/generally terrible France, which is somehow Michelle Obama’s favorite and least favorite place of all time, favorite because of all the fanciness, and least favorite because of the time everyone ate cake, or something! We never really know what to expect from our FLOTUS, because she is full of surprises. This week, for example, she decided to forgo physical activity to sit at a computer and learn to “tweet,” a thing she maybe found out about from her husband, who sometimes indulges in tweeting. Read more on Michelle Obama Takes Break From Bicep Curls to Learn Twitter (VIDEO)…
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FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children

Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But between that and settling violent disputes between Sasha and Malia over who gets “Scott,” the Secret Service guy who probably most resembles Justin Bieber, our Michelle still finds time for the little things, like trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. Read more on FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children…
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Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions (“Where do fat people come from?”) have simple answers (“Arby’s”). So she is sometimes able to spend her time doing enjoyable things, like celebrating her wedding anniversary with Barack Obama, or going to the local Mom-and-Pop Target store to buy toothpaste and iPod accessories for Malia. But does she do these things for real, or for lies? LIES, IT’S ALL LIES is the answer, according to America’s shouting radio and teevee heroes. Why else would Michelle Obama walk around a Target store, besides the obvious reason of deception? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie…
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FLOTUS Builds House for Women Vets With Space-Age Vegetable Machine

Twinkie and french fry enthusiasts (or, “The American People”) often forget that our FLOTUS has another cause, besides constructing a genocide against slob children. But she does, and this cause is The Troops, because nutritious lifestyle initiatives have turned out to be really polarizing for some reason, and Michelle Obama figured she should pick another hobby that everyone loves (for the most part) so she could continue to reign as the most popular or at least most tolerable Obama. It was for this second cause that our FLOTUS went on prime time teevee last night, to build a house for lady veterans. But she couldn’t just build a house, she had to add in some fresh vegetables and crazy technology, because that is Michelle Obama’s way. Read more on FLOTUS Builds House for Women Vets With Space-Age Vegetable Machine…
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Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass? Read more on Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden…
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Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children

Our FLOTUS has decided to get back to “business,” which means she is once again shoving things like fitness and exercise down the throats of America’s children, in between all the nachos and gravy that are already down there. Last Friday, Michelle Obama went to something called the “SmashZone” during the elitist tennis party known as The US Open to talk about tennis and smashing things, which just goes to show how dangerous this Let’s Move! thing is for our country and our delicate (and obese) children. Our FLOTUS spent some time talking about her love of tennis, before playing the sport with actual professional tennis players. We are guessing she managed to beat them all by distracting them with her FLOTUS charm, obviously. Read more on Michelle Obama Plays Fancy Tennis Sport For Obese Children…