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Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist

How is Michelle Obama, Kenyan impostoress and supposed “First Lady” of the United States of Murka, betraying our glorious nation today? Did you answer “breathing”? Well YOU ARE WRONG SIR. No, today she is betraying us, her “co-citizens” (yeah right), by playing ping-pong in China and also answering a question from a Chinese student about study-abroad programs, and how kids should try to see the world and engage other cultures if at all feasible. Thanks a lot, MRS. STALIN J. MAO. Read more on Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist…
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Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!

Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both your Editrix Rebecca and FLOTUS Correspondent Blair that you watch this video and do not think too much about it or go looking for trouble with any idiot commenters on the YouTubez. Promise? Read more on Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!…
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Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest ever to attend a State of the Union address.” We are apparently not one hundred percent sure that she is the oldest, but we will run with it! Desaline Victor is also “an immigrant, former farm worker, and respected elder and minority from one of the poorest parts of South Florida.” Naturally, she will be sitting with First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union as part of the all-important Second Term Agenda Item Dream Team. As both an immigrant and victim of Florida voting procedures, Victor brings age and experience to a guest box that will also include military families and victims of gun violence. Read more on Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box…
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News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility

There is a rumor going ’round that the gorgeous visage of our beloved First Lady Michelle Obama will be gracing grocery store check-out aisles everywhere come next month. No, they have not started carrying Candy magazine at the Piggly Wiggly. It’s Vogue! “USA TODAY’s David Jackson confirms that Annie Leibovitz was at the White House on Thursday, the day The Washingtonian reported the possibility of a March cover shot by the famed photog. More evidence: CBS News’ White House correspondent Mark Knoller tweeted that a Vogue staffer was aboard the press plane to and from Las Vegas on Tuesday.” Everybody is FREAKING OUT. Read more on News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility…
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What Could John Boehner Have Possibly Said To Incite Michelle Obama’s Stinkeye?

By now you have all seen this gif of this tumblr, of Michelle Obama rolling her eyes at John Boehner like she is a 14-year-old girl. It has been online like at least 15 minutes! But we have a pressing question: What doubtless off-color and probably disgusting joke did Ol’ Ginblossom tell to make our always poised and gracious First Lady react like that? Read more on What Could John Boehner Have Possibly Said To Incite Michelle Obama’s Stinkeye?…
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Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

You are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, which stars our famous FLOTUS, Michelle Obama! No, not actual Michelle Obama, although we must acknowledge the excellent wardrobe (note sleevelessness!). The cover reads, “THE CANDYDATE,” so we guess Michelle Obama is running for office and didn’t bother to tell anyone except our nation’s first transsexual magazine. Read more on Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted…
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Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is very time consuming, as one must rack up a sufficient number of felony convictions in order to be considered a truly viable candidate.) But now, rejoice we shall! For our Queen First Lady “Let Them Eat Egg Whites” Michelle Obama has been granted a second term. And so we must begin the required speculation: were these first four years just a preamble to something much greater? Will the REAL Michelle Obama finally show her true colors, and if so, how much will these colors cost us, the peasant taxpayers? That depends on how many obese 5th graders she will hire to carry her to the Grammy Awards. Read more on Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks…
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The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, “Who ate the rest of my french fries?” (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who knows?!) If you watched last night’s debate long enough to see the spouses emerge from the dark tunnels under America’s “undecided” voters, you may have noticed that OMG LADIES WEARING THE SAME COLOR OUTFIT!!! This is what happens when you are trapped in Mitt Romney’s lady-binders, we guess? Or it was a dumb breast cancer thing. (Women’s vote! Ladies just love their pink ribbons and October breast cancer-themed Lifetime movie marathons.) Let us explore! Read more on The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown…
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Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches

Last night, First Lady Michelle Obama gave her DNC speech, and in a pink Tracy Reese dress (stylish and symbolic, of course), our FLOTUS verbally kickboxed Mitt Romney in the junk. There were those lines, “Being president doesn’t change who you are – it reveals who you are,” and “Success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.” The libruls drooled, Michelle Malkin’s brain exploded a little, and the Twitter was bananas! “First Lady Michelle Obama garnered nearly double the tweets-per-minute during her speech than GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney.” And we all know that this is very important for November, when we all use our Twitter machines to vote. Twitter voting reduces fraud! Read more on Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches…
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Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
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Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals

One would think that the words following “Michelle Obama threatened by…” would be something along the lines of “Slurpee Machine Technicians” or “Vengeful Hoveround Gang.” Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady’s life in recent days came from – surprise! – a police officer and a run-of-the-mill moron. First, a D.C. police officer “who worked as a motorcycle escort for White House officials and other dignitaries” was just jokin’ around with his pals and figured the time was right to whip out a picture of a gun and proclaim that he would use it to shoot Michelle Obama. Okay sure! But do not worry, he has been moved to an “administrative position” now, for safety. And then there was the poor idiot who made a bomb joke at a bad time. In 2012 in New York City. Really, sir? Read more on Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals…
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Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: our FLOTUS went on “Live! With Kelly!” on Monday to show off how completely not-obese she is, which is very elitist of her. She was wearing “palazzo pants,” because again, she thinks she is too good for jorts and a two-for-one pack of tee-shirts from Walmart! That’s the thing about our Michelle. One minute she is renting out a Spanish palace mosque for herself and her closest girlfriends, and the next minute she’s jumping rope, like poor children do in after-school specials about diversity. Read more on Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans…
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Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if “The Help” is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn’t it probably the same thing, except with Mexicans? Apparently, no! “Michelle’s Secret Garden,” as we like to call it, or “American Grown,” as it is actually called, tells the story of the White House Kitchen Garden. It also offers gardening tips, and “the story of how, together, in gardens large and small, we have begun to grow a healthier nation.” Because this new book costs over twenty dollars and Amazon.com is not yet accepting food stamps, the actual contents of the book will remain a mystery to most of the country, including your FLOTUS correspondent, who is not about to spend thirty dollars on a book about vegetables when the ice cream shelf in her freezer is running low on supplies. Thankfully, an excerpt from the book is available online, so we’ll just read that and use our imaginations to come up with the rest. Read more on Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening…
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Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. Read more on Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever…
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Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your couch long enough, you will just spontaneously drop dead. Of course, this is the sort of thing our First Lady Michelle Obama has been trying to prevent from happening, through her dance-a-thons and grocery superstores that apparently aren’t getting built. But the obesity epidemic continues, and the kids just keep getting fatter, no matter how many celebrity endorsements the Let’s Move! campaign receives. “But that isn’t enough, say public health leaders frustrated with the slow progress in stemming America’s obesity epidemic. Something more ambitious is needed, they argue — something more like the anti-tobacco movement.” Cue the terrifying obesity PSAs! Read more on Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter…
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Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in the ongoing Battle of the Sexes (like the radio show/board game, except the prize is an unwanted pregnancy) our Michelle has been hitting every circuit, from late night comedy to mid-morning children’s to late afternoon tween. But since this is an election year, it is important, according to this article, to ask ourselves, “Was Michelle Obama being sincere with those muppets on Sesame Street, or just trying to get their votes?” Read more on Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement…
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Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian

Have you seen that show on the E! television network featuring a bunch of whiny girls whose names all start with the letter “K” and their [step]father, played by a melted-down Ken doll? It is the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” show, and somehow, it is one of the most highly rated reality television programs that exists, so let’s all poison ourselves, after we discuss FLOTUS. We live in an age of “reality” television, because reality is so horrifying these days, it tends to make for a fairly entertaining hour of television without much extra work required. Our obesity crisis is of course one element of our terrible reality, which is why there is a program on NBC called ‘The Biggest Loser,’ which is some sort of program about fat people (your FLOTUS correspondent does not watch this program, because it disgusts her). These days, where there’s a camera and fat people, there’s our First Lady Michelle Obama, making them wish they had never heard of a Double Down Sandwich. Our Michelle appeared on ‘The Biggest Loser’ last night, so it’s pretty much next stop: workouts with Bruce Jenner and hijinks about Kendall’s Super Sweet 16, etc. etc. Read more on Michelle Obama Appears on ‘Biggest Loser,’ Is Now a Kardashian…
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Bo Obama Wears Bunny Ears Almost Long Enough to Distract From Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle

Coming off a very sparkly appearance at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards last weekend (that’s the one where they commemorate all their teevee stars who are now teen mothers and/or using heroin, and then Justin Bieber dumps lime green human waste on everyone, we think!) our FLOTUS is working it for the spotlight this month. Her Easter plans are shaping up to provide quite the elitist celebration, but while she waits for the big day to arrive, our Michelle is making sure to bring her Easter tidings to those who need it the most: The Troops! Michelle and Bo Obama visited Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday for some Easter fun, and although Michelle debuted a new hair style (it’s flippy!), the major fashion statement of the day was made when Bo was forced to wear bunny ears. Hello, animal cross-dressing, next phase in the crazy Obama librul agenda! Read more on Bo Obama Wears Bunny Ears Almost Long Enough to Distract From Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle…
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FLOTUS Dangerously Suggests Possible Woman President in 100 Years

Our dear First Lady Michelle Obama was out gardening yesterday, because what else is new? Normally, our FLOTUS just hangs out in her vegetable garden, looking pretty and planting things basically to stick it to a nation that has resorted to fashioning tex-mex laxative alternatives out of Doritos. She is always pushing that envelope, our FLOTUS! But yesterday’s garden experience was, refreshingly, not about vegetables and exercise. It was a 100th anniversary celebration of the cherry blossom trees that were given to the United States by longtime frenemies, the Japanese. (Although, considering Helen Taft was the one outside planting trees back in 1912, one could argue that this event was also a celebration of 100 years of obesity!) And of course, because she is Michelle Obama, our FLOTUS just had to say something SHOCKING during this otherwise boring commemorative event. Spoiler alert: she suggested that a woman could someday be president! Mon dieu. Read more on FLOTUS Dangerously Suggests Possible Woman President in 100 Years…
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FLOTUS Visits Late Show, Things Get Real

Our beloved FLOTUS has been the subject of some “trouble” lately, but of course, that is one of the things we like about her. We also adore her style, charm, and biceps. That Michelle Obama charm was on full display last night, when our FLOTUS made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. She talked about Bo the dog, her favorite place ever (Target), and, of course, The Troops. She laughed, and she even cried, and then asked in frustration, “Where are the laughs?” which was quite profound, as it is a question that America is struggling to answer. Read more on FLOTUS Visits Late Show, Things Get Real…
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Michelle Obama Brags To Child About Fancy Sweet Potato Fries

According to most people, journalism has seen better days, and as an industry/art form/whatever you want to call it, is really just sending reluctant, furloughed editors to set up subscription booths at the nearest Walgreen’s and hoping for the best. But there are still young people in this country who want to see journalism survive as more than just a thing that helps interpret trending Twitter topics for Olds. There are young people like 11-year-old Topanga Sena, who want to ask the tough questions that aren’t being answered – questions like, “If you, First Lady Michelle Obama, had magical powers, what great gift would you bestow upon your Obese Nation?” Read more on Michelle Obama Brags To Child About Fancy Sweet Potato Fries…
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FLOTUS Less Popular Among White Ladies With Poor Self-Esteem

Women in this country are under a tremendous amount of pressure right now, with scaly old men going out of their way and then some to make sure there is absolutely nothing left in place to prevent their personal “30 Kids and Counting” fantasies from coming true. They are still working on the part where they have to find actual women to do the sexing with them, but in good time, because apparently we are not only a nation of rampant obesity, but also widespread low self-esteem. Well, there is low self-esteem among white people – white women, to be exact, according to a Washington Post Survey which found that “67 percent of black women describe themselves as having high self-esteem, compared with 43 percent of white women.” This same survey also asked women to describe their feelings toward Michelle Obama, to which white women replied, “I do not care for her Bermuda shorts.” Read more on FLOTUS Less Popular Among White Ladies With Poor Self-Esteem…