Tag: pt flotus files

Michelle Obama Betrays America (Again), Plays Ping-Pong Like A Goddamned Communist

How is Michelle Obama, Kenyan impostoress and supposed "First Lady" of the United States of Murka, betraying our glorious nation today? Did you answer "breathing"? Well YOU ARE WRONG SIR. No, today she is betraying us, her "co-citizens" (yeah...

Here Is Just A Video Of Michelle Obama Dancing, For Fun And Nice-Time!

Watch this video! It is our First Lady Michelle Obama and what appears to be the mom who was way too involved at your middle school/Jimmy Fallon, doing a silly dance! It is the combined birthday wish of both...

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of...

News Media Squeals With Delight About Michelle Obama ‘Vogue’ Possibility

There is a rumor going 'round that the gorgeous visage of our beloved First Lady Michelle Obama will be gracing grocery store check-out aisles everywhere come next month. No, they have not started carrying Candy magazine at the...

What Could John Boehner Have Possibly Said To Incite Michelle Obama’s Stinkeye?

By now you have all seen this gif of this tumblr, of Michelle Obama rolling her eyes at John Boehner like she is a 14-year-old girl. It has been online like at least 15 minutes! But we have a...

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

You are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America's first and most beloved "transversal style" periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny...

Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been...

The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, "Who ate the rest of my french fries?" (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who...

Twitter Elects Michelle Obama President of Speeches

Last night, First Lady Michelle Obama gave her DNC speech, and in a pink Tracy Reese dress (stylish and symbolic, of course), our FLOTUS verbally kickboxed Mitt Romney in the junk. There were those lines, "Being president doesn’t change...

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and...

Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals

One would think that the words following "Michelle Obama threatened by..." would be something along the lines of "Slurpee Machine Technicians" or "Vengeful Hoveround Gang." Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady's life in recent days...

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going...

Michelle Obama Releases Fancy Book About Gardening

As promised, our First Lady Michelle Obama has published her first book. It is a book about gardening, and if "The Help" is any indication, it is sure to be a bestseller, because isn't it probably the same thing,...

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven't noticed,...

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, "being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while...

Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama's television escapades - most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert - and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now...