Sarah Palin was once elected Governor of Alaska! This is like winning the Nobel Prize in Mattering. So as you can see, this Sarah Palin politics expert knows a thing or two about elections and winning them, mmhmm! It is so fortunate then, that she offered to campaign for Bob McDonnell and Chris Christie to help them out in Virginia and New Jersey, respectively. Except neither one is taking her up on her generous goodwill PR stunt! Meg Stapleton, beta version of a human being, GO: “The governor offered her assistance with both races. The ball is in their court.” It’s like Bob McDonnell and Chris Christie don’t even care about the Going Rogue book sales. [POLITICO]

CHICAGO HAS LOST DANCING WITH THE STARS AND THEREFORE ITS CHANCE AT HOSTING THE 2016 OLYMPICS. Gold, silver, and bronze Drudge Sirens!!: The important International Olympic Committee cold eliminated Chicago in the first round of city choosing this morning. In case you’re still invested in this thing, for whatever reason, it’s down to Madrid and Rio de Janeiro. [HuffPost]

The most humiliating moment in our national history — “America’s Waterloo,” they called it — occurred when President Obama threw that pitch to Albert Pujols like a total sally. Compounding the embarrassment was the pair of high-waisted, pouffy jeans he wore, which will be forever associated with deficit-inflating naifs as surely as a cardigan says “Jimmy Carter.” But President Obama will not apologize for his mom jeans! Today he told NBC, “for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry. I’m not the guy.” President Sarah Palin would never had suggested something so outrageous. [Political Ticker, White House Flickr page]

Back in early February, before President Obama failed at everything (life), it seemed he could heal the lame and the halt simply by looking at them and saying in a dignified manner, “the stakes are too high.” For example, at a rally in Ft. Myers, he magically transformed the lives of two (2) paupers just by calling on them when they raised their hands. MORE »

• A VERY SPECIAL PODCAST: This is a recording of that panel your editor attended a month or so back at South by Southwest. Alas, people shouting from the audience didn’t get picked up by the microphones, so you don’t hear all of Obama’s Web people gleefully pointing out the Republican nerds sitting a row behind them, sulking about the mockery of their earnest efforts to Rebuild the Party. All you hear is one Sara K. Smith whooping with joy for no apparent reason. [Suxorz 2.0 at SXSW]

When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what! MORE »

UGGGH JOHN KERRY. The sad horsey lost his 2004 run at the presidency by issuing a stream of terrible proclamations throughout the campaign, which George Bush’s oppo team immediately made into commercials: stuff like, “I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.” He was also dull and utterly uncharismatic and bad at campaigning. After he lost the election, he insisted on spamming every single one of his supporters, constantly, with retarded emails that made them loathe him even more. MORE »

Ah, snap polls. Here is how they work: A news-gathering organization rounds up a bunch of plumbers, all named Joe, and puts them in a lockbox where they are forced to look at two people arguing for 90 minutes. At the end of this torture session, people ask themselves, “Who blinked less? I’ll go with that guy,” and voila, you have your snap poll telling you Barack Obama won again. MORE »

• GO GET YOUR MONEY PEOPLE: Collapsing investment banks are yesterday’s news, trendsetters! Now we can turn our attention to the biggest possible commercial banks failing miserably, like, say, Washington Mutual. And when that collapses on Sunday, probably, it will likely drain up what’s left of the FDIC’s insurance fund. The FDIC can always get more money from the Treasury, or we can just have a BANK RUN!!! EVERYONE RUN TO THE BANK!!! PANIC! CHAOS FIRE OBAMA BURN!! [AP]

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. MORE »

Second only to Mark Penn in Hillary Clinton’s Annals of Campaign Staff Odiousness, former Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson is known for precisely two things: wearing a hideous Cosby sweater stolen off a murdered bum “for good luck,” and being a terrible asshole. Julia Reed, who tried to interview Hillary Clinton for Vogue, called him “the most charmless human being on the planet.” And that is only the beginning of the horrors she suffered trying to land an interview with the Inevitable Nominee. MORE »