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  facts are stupid things

Carly Fiorina Would Like A Shot At Torturing Islamics, Please

Don't call it torture. Call it nostalgia
Don’t call it torture. Call it nostalgia Continuing her fact-free Git Tuff stance on national defense in last week’s debate — the Sixth Fleet hasn’t shrunk, a few thousand extra troops in Germany would mean nothing, and there’s already a new missile defense system in Poland — Carly Fiorina is now standing up for the CIA’s torture program under the GW Bush administration, never mind that the Senate Intelligence Committee determined that it was run by idiots — not only did torture not result in actionable intelligence, it also led intelligence agencies on wild goose chases when torture victims gave false reports in hopes of ending their mistreatment. But we like to get tough, so Carly’s excited about pretend-drowning some Muslims, for America. Read more on Carly Fiorina Would Like A Shot At Torturing Islamics, Please…
  facts are stupid things

RNC Pretty Sure New AP History Test Is Racist Against America

Why teach American history when you can worship it instead?
Get your helmets and flak jackets on, folks, because it’s Culture War time again. The Republican National Committee is very very concerned about the College Board’s newly revised framework for the Advanced Placement U.S. History exam, condemning it for being way too LIEberal and for its “consistently negative view of American history.” You can’t say the RNC doesn’t have its priorities in order! For instance, the exam framework doesn’t even say that America is the Bestest, Freest, Most Wonderfullest Republic that ever existed in the world, and it also completely fails to say that Jesus handed the Constitution to George Washington. Worse, according to a resolution passed at the RNC’s summer meeting last week, the new framework Read more on RNC Pretty Sure New AP History Test Is Racist Against America…
  facts are stupid things

Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet

Getting hyped for the Olympics? Of course you are! Hoping you can just watch luge or curling or the biathlon or whatever strikes your fantasy without having to worry about Russia’s depressingly backwards thoughts and feels about the gays? Did you figure that maybe when Bamz sent a pile of homosexuals as the US delegation to the Olympics that would maybe be the last you had to hear about how gay or not-gay your winter sports were going to be? If you’re tired of having gay athletes or spectators or gay people in general rammed right down your throat hole, as the gays are wont to do, take a page from Sochi Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov’s book and just declare that there are no gay people in Sochi. But when asked whether gay people had to hide their sexuality in Sochi, the Mayor said: “No, we just say that it is your business, it’s your life. But it’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” When challenged, the mayor admitted that he was not certain there were no gay people in Sochi: “I am not sure, but I don’t bloody know them.” See no gay, hear no gay, speak no gay. Read more on Mayor Of Sochi Is Quite Certain He Does Not Have Anyone Gaying Up His Town Yet…
  facts are stupid things

New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything

Lie-plagued yuppie lifestyle app The New York Times has a big problem. On the one hand, it wants to have lots of link-bait articles full of lies — anything a politician says, “yoga will kill you,” etc. On the other hand, it has a few nervous-nelly editors wondering whether there is some “market share potential” in occasionally publishing the truth about events, people and situations. This is the newspaper that has blindly supported every imperial war since 9/11, and has blindly nodded its consent to global supervillains such as Dick Cheney and Alan Greenspan. And now it’s suddenly having a conversation with itself about whether it should note which things are obviously true or untrue. Whatever, Noam Chomsky! Read more on New York Times Wondering Whether It Should Tell the Truth About Anything…
  facts are stupid things

Iowa Caucus Reporters Reveal That They Despise Iowa Voters

Politico gossip Ben Smith recently graduated to … what is it, 4chan? Fark? One of those sites. And now he is free to “tell the truth” about being a political reporter covering political campaigns: It’s not a lot of fun, because of the voters (and the politicians) being such craven idiots. Read more on Iowa Caucus Reporters Reveal That They Despise Iowa Voters…
  facts are stupid things

Sarah Palin Was Also Wrong About That Slim Jim Thing

Just yesterday, we celebrated star actress of The Learning Channel, Sarah Palin, and her sweatshirt-glam cover on Newsweek magazine, where she bravely declared, “I can win,” even though she is not in any sort of snowshoe race or Scrabble match at the moment, not that she could possibly win either of those things. The most riveting piece of this important cover story was, of course, the part where Sarah Palin got all nostalgic for the imaginary time in her head when a lady could hop off her Tour Bus to Nowhere, wander into the mini-mart with a single dollar bill, and leave with a Slim Jim in hand. Apparently this happened to Sarah Palin, “just recently,” before beef jerky prices skyrocketed 169 percent. More than likely, though, Todd Palin just has an unquenchable thirst for Slim Jims. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Also Wrong About That Slim Jim Thing…
  facts are stupid things

Vile Blogger Fined $60,000 For Spreading Malicious Facts

What’s the latest news from Freedomland, besides union-busting and Barack Obama bragging about how he can throw you in a Horror Brig and keep you there in naked, solitary confinement for as long as he likes — even if you’re white? Oh, there’s this: “A Minneapolis blogger was ordered on Friday to pay $60,000 in damages to an ex-community leader who lost his job because of the blogger’s reporting — even though that reporting was accurate.” Why was this snooty blogger even writing about the Truth? Did the Truth do something newsworthy, like finger-bang Justin Bieber’s new hairdo during one of Charlie Sheen’s cumtastic, cocaine-o’clock orgies? And if so, why didn’t the Wolf Blitzer hologram interrupt its exclusive live coverage of “Did Jesus Punish Japan Because Lindsay Lohan Escaped From Rehab?” to let us know? Something fishy is going on. Read more on Vile Blogger Fined $60,000 For Spreading Malicious Facts…
  facts are stupid things

Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps

It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps will look upon this little adhesive picture of a strange, squat goggle-eyed garbage-compactor puppet and think, “Oh look, E.T. is on a stamp. My grandchildren used to love that movie, before they all died in Iraq.” You know who else loved E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial? That’s right, teevee’s Ronald Reagan. And apparently he is dead now, just like WALL-E, because the Post Office put him on a stamp, too. Read more on Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps…
  facts are stupid things

Here’s a 9/11 Death Chart To Drive Your Wingnut Relatives Crazier

Need something to send back to all the hick-jackholes sure to send you maudlin bullshit Never Forget crying eagle gifs tomorrow? We made you a chart of math science! Methodology: We combined the 2001-2010 figures for “U.S. gun deaths” (30,000 annually) and “U.S. automobile fatalities” (379,000 over nine years) to make a second WTC tower to go alongside the U.S. Diabetes Deaths 2001-2010 of Tower One. All information was found on the Internet, using a web browser and popular sites such as the CDC and “the Wikipedia.” Iraq casualties from Iraq Body Count, U.S. military deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan from iCasualties. Read more on Here’s a 9/11 Death Chart To Drive Your Wingnut Relatives Crazier…