After 2004, two groups were blamed for making John Kerry’s loss extra sad for the liberals: those secret retards from off-the-grid caves that Karl Rove forced to vote at the last minute, and pollsters. All of the pollsters failed spectacularly on Election Day in 2004, especially with exit polls. Everyone knew that John Kerry was too much of a cocksmoker to possibly win anything, and yet these pollsters committed the CARDINAL SIN of getting Democrats’ hopes up about a national victory of any kind. But this year they tried again. Who will be first against the wall? MORE »

• WHAT WE NEED MORE OF IS MUNNIES: According to early exit polls, which you should ignore, 62% of voters said the economy was their biggest concern. Remember 2004, when everybody said “personal values” or some bunkum like that was the biggest deal? Ha ha, wheee, you will feel pretty goddamn stupid when John McCain wins by a landslide due to these “economy voters.” [CNN]

IT’S JUST LIKE THEY PREDICTED: MATT DRUDGE IS SHOUTING ON HIS WEBSITE, “EXITS SHOW EASY OBAMA WIN IN NC,” SO THAT’S ONE FOR OBAMA SO FAR, HUMANS. [Drudge Report]

LIVEBLOGGING THE BEST EVER PRIMARY: Oh hey, are they still doing those primary elections? Yes, yes they are! In North Carolina and Indiana, we hear. Join us at … let’s see, about 7 p.m. Eastern time? Sure, why not. Our reporters will be “on the ground” in North Carolina at Bob Jones University, and with John Cougar Mellencamp in the heartland of Indiana, and your editor will be in Guam doing “sex tourism.” DON’T FORGET TO BUY EXTRA LIQUOR & GUNS ON THE WAY HOME.

A VERY COMPETITIVE RACE: No firm news based on exit polls, so CNN is pussing out and saying they will have to wait until actual votes are counted. Fortunately, we are prepared with a case of string cheese and three bottles of red wine. Stay with us as we suffer through this interminable evening!

OBAMA WINS BIG IN DC: Exit polls project a 3:1 win over Hillary Clinton.

Some exit polls have come in from the Florida Republican primary, courtesy of Ronald Reagan and the National Review team: the “second wave numbers” from late afternoon have McCain at 34.3%, Romney at 32.6%, Giuliani at 15.3% and Huckabee in fourth with a golf penis. And only the National Review can provide us with a reader’s update like this: “I also noticed the political trading markets pop a bit toward Romney right after 5 o’clock. Romney had been trading in the high 30s and now he’s mid-40s.” While we await further word from Wall Street, check out some quantitive and qualitative exit poll trends from the Associated Press, after the jump! MORE »

At 4:21 p.m. Tuesday, we got sick of how nobody would send us leaked exit polls and made up our own. Let’s see how a make-believe “data set” stands up to the actual (?) results at 2:30 a.m. Wednesday. We said: MORE »

…but we lean towards “not very.” MORE »

Bill “Bill” Schneider of CNN keeps chanting “Trickle or a flood?” and we are starting to chant it ourselves, but not about politics. MORE »

These would be the new Senate numbers posted at the New Republic. Here they are: MORE »