Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

First Grandlady Barbara Bush revealed last night that Engaged First Twin Jenna Bush is at the White House right now with “15 girlfriends” having a Wedding Shower. Let’s hope President George doesn’t absent-mindedly wander in while the mimosa-drunk gals are trying out the novelty dildos! [Washington Post]

For the second time since September, burglars struck Mitt Romney’s fancy campaign headquarters in Boston. While the original criminals got away with a bunch of computers and a plasma teevee, the losers arrested at 1 a.m. this morning only managed to take a MacBook laptop. Also, this morning’s burglars were drunk. “When the suspects opened the car doors,” the Boston Globe reports, “two open bottles of Budweiser tumbled to the ground.” MORE »

Remember Sidney Blumenthal? He was a bigshot print journalist back when that last mattered, in the early 1990s. And then the Clintons saved him from obsolescence by making Sid a very special part of the Bill/Hillary circle. They are loyal, as long as you never cross them in any way: Blumenthal is still working for the Clintons today. But he’s now facing “aggravated DWI” charges for allegedly driving so very drunk in New Hampshire last week. [The Smoking Gun]

The votes are in! No, not in your silly American primary election; I’m talking about The Foreigns, who got one look at last week Malaysian sex tape scandal and voted with their cameras, genitals, and fists. “Yes!” they said, in their Foreign languages. “I too want to do titillating things on camera that will end my political career forever!” After the jump: The Foreigns do it live on TV and/or film, for your entertainment. MORE »

“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post reveals today. “The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes.”

Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her “background” and “pedigree” sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people — in Jenna’s case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager’s case, that industry is tobacco. MORE »

If you sit through a little commercial, the Washington Post will let you gaze upon a gallery of Jenna Bush pics including that one time when she stuck out her tongue at the photographers and when her husband-to-be drained her blood for a ritual. [Washington Post]

Teevee terrorism-stopper and real-life drunkard Kiefer Sutherland was arrested this morning for drunken driving in Los Angeles. Never forget! [Yahoo/AP]

Gavin Newsom is San Francisco’s smarmily handsome alcoholic cult-leader mayor who fucks the wives of his best friends and generally acts like a douchesack, but at least he killed most of the homeless so you can now walk around for half a block without being assaulted by a legless drug addict spewing diarrhea in the street. Anyway, enjoy our latest Nadine and his careful critique of the Newsom Administration. MORE »

Albert “Al” Gore Junior, Jr. — the black sheep of the over-achieving Family Gore — apparently pled guilty to have marijuana and some unprescribed prescription pills with him while setting the new land-speed record for a stupid Prius. But because he’s a rich white kid, the judge says Gore can actually withdraw the plea and just go to rehab for a while. So he can come back and be “sentenced” in February and all will be forgiven. Yay, justice for the elite! MORE »

Is NASA trying to cause as many terrible space disasters as they can? First, we learned NASA is letting all the astronauts drunk-drive whenever they feel like it. An independent panel found at least two occasions on which space adventurers were allowed to fly despite being totally wasted. The panel was convened after crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak drove to Orlando in space-diapers to kill her astronaut boyfriend’s girlfriend. Which is crazier, yes, but somehow it makes a little more sense than letting space jockeys throw back a few space-cocktails before getting behind the throttle of their Space Shuttles. Now comes this confusing outrage. MORE »