Coleman Campaign’s Entire Database Of Donors Breached, All Financial Information Leaked Onto Internet
Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
We know that at least 89% of you were planning to donate to Norm Coleman’s campaign in Minnesota within the next five minutes but STOP STOP STOP AND BACK AWAY FROM THE INTERNET DONATION FORM!!! Because oh look at this, someone hacked into the Coleman donor list, accessed the *publicly available Coleman donor list* took down every donor’s credit card number and posted it all on Wikileaks in an Excel spreadsheet. Hmm, maybe Norm should take this humiliating opportunity to drop out of that 2008 election in which his loss has already been certified? MORE »
GAHHH what the hell is this! The campaign’s over, OLD MAN. Go get a real American job now, OLD MAN. So terrifying. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that John McCain’s starting a new PAC called “Country First,” so check out its fancy website, which is a long donation form and absolutely nothing else. John McCain’s never had any problems raising money in the past (HEHEHE), so this website should more or less heal the economy. [
The silly DNC spent all of its cash on loser Jim Martin’s 800 losses in Georgia this year, so what do they do, right, they go to Obama and ask for a damn check, and then he e-mails us to hawk some more junk. “Obama for America” writes, “This holiday season, celebrate the historic accomplishment of our movement for change. Treat yourself or a loved one to a limited edition Obama fleece jacket.” It’s really the only appropriate celebration for such an historic accomplishment. They are $50, and if you do not buy one then you hate black people. [
Today is an exciting day on the 
Does Barack Obama have a “major league sports team owner” problem? It sure looks like it, because he has not raised nearly as much money from this crucial demographic as that other guy, John McCain. McCain has raised more than $3.2 million from major sports team owners and their families, while Barack Obama has raised only $615,000 — despite the fact that Obama is way better at basketball. Too bad Obama is too much of an elitist to relate to simple, working-class multimillionaire sports team owners. [
Oh look a gay person named Jonathan Crutchley, founder of some gay thing called Manhunt.net, has, er, maxed out a $2,300 donation to John McCain against Barack Obama. People have been sending us this tip like crazy, but whatever? Everyone knows that all gay people not named “Andrew Sullivan” hate Barack Obama for stealing the election from Queen Hillary. [
After all Hillary Clinton did for Barack Obama this primary season, you’d think his donors would show her a little more gratitude. She “made him a better candidate,” after all, by constantly reminding the world that he was a black Muslim elitist with a shitty, shitty bowling score and no plan for universal healthcare. But Obama’s most generous supporters have basically given her zero dollars to help retire her campaign debt, because these people are 
Now that Hillary is “out,” we will devote our full attention towards getting Mitt Romney on the Republican ticket and saving humor forever! And it looks like progress is being made on that front, according to Time’s Mark Halperin, who knows these terrible things. 
Oh this is rich. You may remember when Hillary said in her 
John McCain and his drug addict trophy wife, Cindy, move their charitable donations through the aptly named John and Cindy McCain Foundation, of which Cindy is the chairman and president. These two are by far the biggest donors to this charity, which has donated more than a million dollars to America’s poor, starving, illegal Mexicans living secretly in McCain’s basement. The McCain’s favorite charities are those most in need: the various liberal elite private schools that his children attended, and which afford him tax breaks. 