Well here’s some good news for Republicans: they’ve finally rid the party of all non-Real Americans! ES UN ROAD TO RECOVERY? And besides, just look at how liberal this liberal poll is. Aside from “Nonwhite” — wtf, like Martians or something?? — it doesn’t even show the trend with Hispanic Mexicans! Surely the GOP has made huge gains in this demographic, hmm? [Balloon Juice]

GOP Chairman Michael Steele is proving to be pretty goddamn tiresome already and he has been running the party for what, minus five minutes? After explaining to George Stephanopoulos how “jobs” are different from “work,” he then gave this big long interview with the Washington Times that was likewise so jam-packed with mockable bullshit that it is hard to see what a person with a satirical blog-writing “job” is supposed to do with it. MORE »

Barack Obama is very young, but he will be working with a Congress full of codgers who say, “Ennnh?” and urge him to speak louder into their ear trumpets. The average age of a senator is 63, while the average House member is 57. That, in layman’s terms, is “super old.” It should be noted that Robert Byrd continues to exert a heavy drag on the average age of Senators. (Byrd recently celebrated his 113th birthday.) [USA Today]

• MARK PENN DISCOVERS FANCIFUL NEW DEMOGRAPHIC: He calls them “Mattress Stuffers”: a group of depraved individuals who, unable to experience arousal from normal human contact, can only reach sexual fulfillment by humping beds full of dollars. Mark Penn is the soccer mom of mattress stuffers. [Wall Street Journal]

Man, this guy! Remember Karl Rove, the doughy, evil clown who used direct mail to make George W. Bush the permanent dictator of America? He has good news for Republicans. They are poised on the precipice of a COMEBACK, a massive and extremely awesome comeback, because they keep winning seats in the South — a region which they have historically, uh, tended to win in! MORE »

Our favorite recent McCain campaign talking head, Nancy Poopenheifer, done did it again today on MSNBC while discussing the demographics of Northern Virginia, an area known to John McCain’s brother as “communist country.” Poopenheifer says NoVa has gone bluer in recent years because the Democrats, one day in 2005 or so, decided to move there en masse so as to steal elections. Ergo it doesn’t count as a geographical region anymore — it’s not even on maps — unlike “real Virginia” which is more “Southern in nature.” MORE »

Oh hey looky there: John McCain now holds a 5-point national lead over liberal abortionist Barry Obama. Feel free to discuss in the comments: 1) why national polls don’t matter; 2) what a douche John Zogby is and how he lost all his credibility in calling the ‘04 election for Kerry, so Zogby reporting a McCain lead is actually good news; 3) how you will be draping black cloths over your gallery of framed Obama posters and sitting shiva for Hope. MORE »

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

Top Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan’s excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. MORE »

This morning, millions of sad, youthful Obama voters are waking up and wondering what the hell happened in Pennsylvania. Here’s the scoop, little ones: Pennsylvania’s elderly are so old that they make John McCain look young, and they’re so numerous that you’d think they were still capable of reproduction. In fact, the only state with more elderly residents is Florida, and at least those old people moved there. They want to be in Florida. Meanwhile, old people in Pennsylvania resemble the humble sea cucumber: sessile, rooted, a prisoner of the very earth that nourishes them. Naturally, these people vote for Hillary Clinton. MORE »

It has been six long, terrible weeks since the last primary, and since then Elliot Spitzer resigned for schtupping a hooker, Barack Obama explained to the world why Jeremiah Wright didn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel, and Hillary Clinton bombed Bosnia. Because many of you are a little rusty on how these “primary” things work, we’ve got a few helpful tips for all those dorks who are actually trying to make sense of the poll results today. MORE »