Oh… god. Apparently someone taught Glenn Beck a metaphor, and already, there has been one known death. You see, Obama, he’s like throwing frogs in a pot of boiling water. This part of the metaphor stands in for Health Care. You dig? But John McCain, a completely random human who actually has had very little to do with the public health care debate, would never do something so gay, ever, as to force America to eat some pondwater consommé. John McCain HATES the French delicacy of Gay Soup. No, he would put the frog in regular water and slowly bring it to a boil. This part of the metaphor also represents Health Care. Ha, it is confusing! Let’s actually boil something alive, for clarity. MORE »

The race to fill Ted Kennedy’s ample seat in the Senate is heating up like a corpse in the summer tide! (Sorry, Denby.) Curt Schilling, world champion quarterback for Boston’s “Mighty Ducks,” loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate. Schilling, heir to his family’s spice fortune, joins a crowded Republican field that includes former Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey and pretty much nobody else. MORE »

There is a formula for instant success in our nation’s great health care town halls: So you, the congressperson, mention some constituent whose medical condition would definitely take a turn for the worse in the event of the mere existence of the public option. What follows is death—irrecoverable death by death panel. Maybe even you have a photo of said constituent, hey that’s great! That is… it. Tragically, things went terribly awry the other day in Texas, as Republican Congressman Pete Olson’s town hall turned violently factual. MORE »

Getting tired of THIS STUFF, aren’t you? Well, suck it up. At this point, we want to pressure Obama and Congress to incorporate as much rationing and Death Paneling as possible into a final health care bill, with very loose criteria. You’re eligible for Medicare, human? KILL. This will be the single determining criterion. It will save us so much money, for sexy parties. So along with the old racist up top, we will now present a few other candidates for Death Panels, from a recent town hall protest in Dallas. Thank you to operative “Lisa” for these freaking gross images. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
It has come to our attention here at Cartoon Violence that many of you do not understand the difficult-to-understand details of the multiple mutually contradictory Obamacare plans currently weaving their way through the opaque, byzantine legislative process! This makes it more likely that you’ll fall for one of the terrible lies about health care reform that your aunt is sending you from her AOL address. In response, we have presented the only thing more convincing than an email that has been forwarded multiple times, with all the header information retained, and that’s a series of goofy cartoons! Once you read these and understand the truth, you are to call the CIA and have your aunt shipped to Bagram, at once. MORE »

Trig will live after all! Suck a beanpole, Obama, because the Senate Finance Committee will apparently strip from its terrible hell-bill the provision to reimburse Medicare doctors who provide end-of-life counseling sessions. Chuck Grassley is the force behind this stripping, because holy shit, he had no idea that Obama was planning on killing him (”grandma”) with this provision! Which he was! The Senate Finance Committee health care bill will soon just be a massive tax cut for Wall Street investment banks and Montgomery Burns. [TPM]

• YES WE WILL LIVEBLOG PRESIDENT OBAMA’S TOWN HALL WITH PITCHFORK-WIELDING MOBS AT 1PM EASTERN: As if you had to ask. Go get yourself some cut-rate Canadian oxycontin and we’ll see you back here in half an hour.