Reporters were devastated this morning to find their best friend, John McCain, wearing two band-aids on the top of his head. Was he having some of his trademark cancer again? Worse! When he was in Canada, some shift-eyed car attacked him: “I was getting out of the car in Canada and I hit the roof a tiny bit, and the car was much smaller than the one I’m usually being ferried around in by the beloved Secret Service.” See, this is why *Americans* drive SUVs. That little extra gas money is a fair price, since they offer such foolproof protection from hitting your head against the roof so badly that it bleeds. [CNN]

Ha ha, it turns out that Hillary Clinton even lies with her lying about her harrowing overseas adventures. First she says she once ran screaming through the streets of Tuzla smeared with the blood of Bosnian snipers as she singlehandedly brought peace to Northern Ireland; then she says she was the first president’s wife to visit a war zone since Eleanor Roosevelt. Wrong again, Pantsuit! That honor goes to Pat Nixon, who visited Vietnam with Sinbad way back in 1969. MORE »

A “smug cloud” weather advisory — which reigned terror in Tennessee recently — is in effect for upstate New York, specifically over the home of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his asshole friends. It was first noticed yesterday in RFK Jr.’s painfully glib e-mail from the DSCC. MORE »

The National Weather Service is reporting that a dense smug cloud has settled over Bell Meade, Tennessee this afternoon. Following reports of Gore’s own massive carbon footprint last winter, the Gores announced the completion of very expensive renovations to their multi-million dollar mansion to earn the house a gold status from the Green’ Building Council’s certification system. It’s the only house in Tennessee to have one and Gore told reporters “The only way to solve this crisis is for individuals to make changes in their own lives.” There whereabouts of George Clooney and his smug cloud are currently unknown, but scientists don’t expect any catastrophic formations at this time. [6ABC.com, Yahoo News]

The new “POTUS ‘08″ channel on XM satellite radio will kill millions, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration officials announced today, as unsuspecting drivers come across the CSPAN-produced station and immediately fall asleep and crash into school buses filled with innocent American children. The super villains at XM and CSPAN have ensured there’s no way to avoid the deadly audio — even ending your subscription to the sinister service will do no good:

The channel will be “free to air” on XM, meaning that it will be broadcast free to all XM radio receivers. If a consumer has an XM radio but opts not to subscribe to XM, the consumer can still listen to the presidential election channel.

Shows will include “The full text of all the bills John McCain didn’t show up to vote for this year” and “Sam Brownback’s random name generator for 40 million aborted American fetuses, read in the Radiohead/Macintosh robot voice.” MORE »

Jesus! This is possibly the most deadly situation we’ve ever seen. What did this poor staffer do to Conrad?

Another absolutely terrifying photo of the former senator from Montana’s War On Christmas Rampage through Washington, after the jump.

MORE »

John “Maverick” McCain is surely the Greatest American Hero, but it turns out that his death-defying escape from the Helicopter Terrorists of the former Soviet republic of Georgia didn’t actually happen. MORE »

Breaking: John McCain IN DANGER! Last week… sort of… according to the Georgian Interior Ministry, and The Sun… MORE »

• So Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA) has hired Attorney Robert Bonner, who used to run the U.S. Attorney’s Office that’s now investigating Lewis. [TPMMuckraker]

• Did Rove get immunity in exchange for his cooperation? [FireDogLake ]
• Crooked Timber makes it easy to read Solzhenitsyn into Guantanamo. [Crooked Timber]
• Last night Rep. Steve King (R-IA) said Iraq wasn’t very dangerous. In fact, he said, his wife is in more danger living in DC: “Well I by now have a feel for the rhythm of this place called Washington, D.C., and my wife lives here with me, and I can tell you, Mr. Speaker, she’s at far greater risk being a civilian in Washington, D.C. than an average civilian in Iraq.” [Think Progress]
• This one is really just about the photo. [Shakespeare's Sister]