Tag: pt daily briefing

In Just A Few Hours, Scott Brown Will Be Crowned America’s Most Beloved Kennedy

Let's all play this game in which we try to guess Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein's bonus. Won't be depressing at all. Toyota recalled many Priuses (Prii?) because of brake problems. Although, if a car crashes and ceases to...

Thank You, NYT, For Taking ‘The Revolution Will Be Televised’ Lede Away From The Rest Of The Internet

The Tea Party Convention thing in Nashville will be broadcast on teevee, for a reason that apparently exists. Abstinence-only education works after all, which means the government will probably deploy a slightly re-worked "Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Anything)" policy...

Obama’s Command Of News Cycle First Thing Of Many To Be Ruined By iPad

For the record, Obama is totally into jobs now, not health care. Obama also called for a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, which means all those Facebook petitions worked!! Meet this latest thing you will own! It is...

Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money

In his State of the Union Wednesday, Obama will announce a spending freeze for many of America's domestic programs. As these programs do not include Lost, no one will care. The US is holding a conference at the UN...

Conan O’Brien Gets Ted Kennedy’s Old Senate Seat Too!

Everyone's threatening Facebook statuses worked!! NBC will pay Conan O'Brien $33 million dollars, and he can go back home to the television in eight months. Obama has decided that our country's commercial banks can't be as big as they...

This Is What Happens When There Are No Kennedys, However Marginal, For Massachusetts!

Residents of Massachusetts must decide who they like better: Scott Brown. Or Martha Coakley. Many non-Haiti countries have issued a very generous "It's cool, no worries" in response to Haiti's debt. Between 2002 and 2006, the FBI illegally...

I’ve Been Crushed By the Tumbling Tide (TIME!)

Barack Obama went to Taxachusetts to ask the voters to remember that they're mostly liberal people, so maybe they might want to show up and vote. But maybe they don't care anyway because MITT ROMNEY gave them socialist health...

Anyone Ever Notice How Injustice Always Somehow Benefits Twitter? Just Sayin’!

All the aid that you donated yesterday via your Facebook status and also actual organizations that will send relief money is having a hard time reaching people buried under their own homes in Haiti. Oh and speaking of: Haiti...

Everyone Do Some Celebratory ‘Stoner Culture Thing’ In Honor Of New Jersey!

Medical marijuana is now legal in the nearby state of New Jersey! This is a thing MTV orchestrated, for its popular Jersey Shore documentary series. Miep Gies, the very nice Dutch lady who hid Anne Frank and her family...

Imagine Reading This Daily Briefing While Driving To Work, On Public Roads!

A good place for the Internet to go is the dashboard of moving cars. This is just science! Failed Nigerian Terrorist was formally charged with failing to blow up an airplane—or "attempted murder," in legalese. The government of Yemen...

Looks Like Yemen Is Not Going Away Anytime Soon—Unless We Bomb It, Ha Ha!

The US Embassy in Yemen is open again, following two days of evidence suggesting that al-Qaeda was going to blow it up and the Yemeni government suggesting the opposite of this. Last week's suicide bomber, the one who killed...

Bis ans Ende der Welt

Nobody blew up Times Square with their underwear so w00t!1! U.S. stock markets dropped by a percent or so in the last minutes of trading on the last trading day of the year, because We Are All Screwed. Russian...

Making Sure A Plane Bomber Will Never Not Actually Bomb A Plane Again

The Department of Homeland Security will begin smuggling more plainclothes air marshals on planes, most likely by just putting them in a regular Advil bottle. Regarding the aspirational terror act, Obama, from Hawaii, has finally issued important threats about Investigating Things....

And May All Your Christmases Be White Trash

Levi Johnston's OxyContin-dealing mom is back home and under house arrest. It's a Festivus Miracle! Some disabled guy called "Gator" pushed an empty wheelchair into a post office in some Virginia hillbilly town, shot a gun at nothing, and...

The Twitter Industry, Comprised Solely Of Website Twitter.com, Saves American Economy Forever

America's economy has expanded for the first time in four quarters, presumably by exchanging the four quarters in for a dollar. An online anthology of song lyrics that do not quite merit away message status—"Twitter"—is America's only successful business....

China Holds Up Climate Change Negotiations; Earth Literally Burns

Afghan President Hamid Karzai is furious on the outside, feelings-hurt on the inside that the US and the UN considered just cold replacing him with someone else during the fraudulent election of his own design a few months back....