pt daily briefing
Whatever Washington D.C. Is Doing To Displease The Clouds So, Just Stop
Today Iran began enriching its uranium for what are definitely nuclear-type purposes. [New York Times] Joe Jackson, the alive father of the dead pop star Michael Jackson, believes his son was killed in a conspiracy, which is a thing that commonly happens. [CNN] Childhood obesity is Michelle Obama’s new thing, as obese children are the [...]
In Just A Few Hours, Scott Brown Will Be Crowned America’s Most Beloved Kennedy
Let’s all play this game in which we try to guess Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein’s bonus. Won’t be depressing at all. [New York Times] Toyota recalled many Priuses (Prii?) because of brake problems. Although, if a car crashes and ceases to exist, can you even imagine how that will like erase its carbon footprint? [...]
Thank You, NYT, For Taking ‘The Revolution Will Be Televised’ Lede Away From The Rest Of The Internet
The Tea Party Convention thing in Nashville will be broadcast on teevee, for a reason that apparently exists. [New York Times] Abstinence-only education works after all, which means the government will probably deploy a slightly re-worked “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (Anything)” policy in our nation’s middle schools. [Washington Post] Obama’s asked for $230 million in [...]
Obama’s Command Of News Cycle First Thing Of Many To Be Ruined By iPad
For the record, Obama is totally into jobs now, not health care. [New York Times] Obama also called for a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which means all those Facebook petitions worked!! [Los Angeles Times] Meet this latest thing you will own! It is called the iPad, and has literally no function other than [...]
Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money
In his State of the Union Wednesday, Obama will announce a spending freeze for many of America’s domestic programs. As these programs do not include Lost, no one will care. [New York Times] The US is holding a conference at the UN in March in which ten countries will try to figure out how to [...]
Conan O’Brien Gets Ted Kennedy’s Old Senate Seat Too!
Everyone’s threatening Facebook statuses worked!! NBC will pay Conan O’Brien $33 million dollars, and he can go back home to the television in eight months. [Los Angeles Times] Obama has decided that our country’s commercial banks can’t be as big as they want or trade for their own accounts, which is a thing that’s problematic, [...]
This Is What Happens When There Are No Kennedys, However Marginal, For Massachusetts!
Residents of Massachusetts must decide who they like better: Scott Brown. Or Martha Coakley. [Boston Globe] Many non-Haiti countries have issued a very generous “It’s cool, no worries” in response to Haiti’s debt. [New York Times] Between 2002 and 2006, the FBI illegally listened to 2000 of your phone calls. It also got overly touchy-feely [...]
I’ve Been Crushed By the Tumbling Tide (TIME!)
Barack Obama went to Taxachusetts to ask the voters to remember that they’re mostly liberal people, so maybe they might want to show up and vote. But maybe they don’t care anyway because MITT ROMNEY gave them socialist health insurance already. [VOA] A roomful of “foreign journalists” awarded many golden dildos to James Cameron’s documentary [...]
Anyone Ever Notice How Injustice Always Somehow Benefits Twitter? Just Sayin’!
All the aid that you donated yesterday via your Facebook status and also actual organizations that will send relief money is having a hard time reaching people buried under their own homes in Haiti. [New York Times] Oh and speaking of: Haiti has been the “Iranian elections of natural disasters” for Twitter, which, almost in [...]
Everyone Do Some Celebratory ‘Stoner Culture Thing’ In Honor Of New Jersey!
Medical marijuana is now legal in the nearby state of New Jersey! This is a thing MTV orchestrated, for its popular Jersey Shore documentary series. [New York Times] Miep Gies, the very nice Dutch lady who hid Anne Frank and her family from the cast of Jersey Shore, has died at 100. [Washington Post] Today [...]
Looks Like Yemen Is Not Going Away Anytime Soon—Unless We Bomb It, Ha Ha!
The US Embassy in Yemen is open again, following two days of evidence suggesting that al-Qaeda was going to blow it up and the Yemeni government suggesting the opposite of this. [AP] Last week’s suicide bomber, the one who killed seven CIA people in Afghanistan, was actually a Jordanian double-agent. [Washington Post] Meet Ali Abdullah [...]
Bis ans Ende der Welt
Nobody blew up Times Square with their underwear so w00t!1! [New York Times] U.S. stock markets dropped by a percent or so in the last minutes of trading on the last trading day of the year, because We Are All Screwed. [Marketwatch] Russian alcoholics will have to start drinking paint thinner again, as President Dmitry [...]
Making Sure A Plane Bomber Will Never Not Actually Bomb A Plane Again
The Department of Homeland Security will begin smuggling more plainclothes air marshals on planes, most likely by just putting them in a regular Advil bottle. [New York Times] Regarding the aspirational terror act, Obama, from Hawaii, has finally issued important threats about Investigating Things. [POLITICO] If the airplane bomber had been at all talented at bombing airplanes, [...]
And May All Your Christmases Be White Trash
Levi Johnston’s OxyContin-dealing mom is back home and under house arrest. It’s a Festivus Miracle! [Anchorage Daily News] Some disabled guy called “Gator” pushed an empty wheelchair into a post office in some Virginia hillbilly town, shot a gun at nothing, and held a couple people hostage for nine hours. He asked for pizza, then [...]
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