Alaskan Republicans are all so corrupt and stupid, when we saw the big “McCain Tells Alaskan To Fuck Off” headlines, for a fleeting happy moment we thought he fired Sarah Palin — even though, in our hearts, we knew it was about Palin’s creepy old boyfriend and convicted felon criminal, Ted Stevens, the other Republican from Alaska. So Palin won’t be thrown under the Straight Talk Express until after the election. Then she can get a show on the NASCAR channel where she just shoots out new brothers for Trig every five or six months, forever, demurely covered by a Confederate Flag. [Christian Science Monitor]

Republican hero Ted Stevens is guilty on all charges, ha ha, but his name will remain on the ballot, so who knows, maybe Alaska will give him another term, for fun. Anyway, it looks like Sarah Palin’s favorite boyfriend is going to jail, and Fox News is so sad, because this means, what, 79 Senate seats for the Dems?

TH-THAT’S NOT CH-CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: Ha ha, maverick reformer Sarah Palin ran incredibly corrupt indicted-Senator Ted Stevens’ corporate fund-raising 527. Ha ha ha ha. [Yglesias]

Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay — whose accomplishments include outsourcing legislation to lobbyists, money laundering, playing golf with Jack Abramoff, and ultimately destroying any hope for his party to regain Congressional majorities in the near future — is now going on some measly radio show calling Barack Obama a “Marxist.” Silly Tom! That kind of blather belongs on the tawdry op-ed pages of the New York Times, not on America’s radio. [The Hill]

SUPPORT THE TROOPS: “The U.S. Army doubled its use of ‘moral waivers’ for enlisted soldiers last year to cope with the demands of the Iraq war, allowing sex offenders, people convicted of making terrorist threats, and child abusers into the military.” [Guardian]

Attention child pornography fans! Are you planning your next vacation? You’ll be in good company in Virginia, where over 20,000 computers contain your preferred reading materials! MORE »

Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, future Secretary of Defense Bernard Kerik, has led a colorful life of being a convicted criminal, New York mobster and sex creep. Bernie also almost got the best mafia job of all, thanks to Rudy: handing out gazillions of federal dollars to “the family” as Bush’s director of the cash-cow Homeland Security Department. And now, once again, Kerik’s going to be indicted — this time by the Feds. MORE »

There’s an exciting new website all about what a dick Mitt Romney has been to various people, and it’s all boring except for one page dedicated to Mitt’s many brushes with the Law. Also, it turns out that cornball talk is just an act and he says “fuck” like everybody else. In a weird way, Romney’s arrests sort of make us like him a little bit more, but in other ways they just reinforce that he’s a rich douchesack. MORE »

“Justice Dept. Probes Whether Gonzales Lied.” [Washington Post]

What’s more American than the Reagan-Bush administration arming the Islamofascist Islamists of Iran to pay the Ayatollahs back for releasing the American hostages as a political stunt to let Reagan and Bush 41 win the White House so they could pay international arms/drugs dealers to supply right-wing Central American death squads with money and weapons? These whimsical 1980s trading cards remind us that the same motherfucking people have been fucking up everything with the same fucking “enemies” or “allies” forever.

1980s: Iran-Contra Scandal Trading Cards [Authentic History Center]

Harriet Miers and White House chief of staff Josh Bolten will be charged with contempt this week by the House Judiciary Committee, beginning what will hopefully be an 18-month-long process of charges, arrests, impeachments, imprisonments and live, boring cable-news coverage that will ultimately end with Dick Cheney convicted of doing 9/11 and getting beheaded on live teevee. MORE »

Here is something we’ve figured out about Ron Paul: We don’t care about him one way or the other, he’s got a dumb & humorless campaign staff, and his supporters are a bunch of dingbats who project whatever oddball stuff they believe on the guy. But you know what? We still endorse Ron Paul for president, because the Bushes have tried and failed to stop him in the past. MORE »

Okay, who would most benefit from breaking into Barry Hussein Obama’s campaign headquarters in Davenport, South Dakota (UPDATE: Or Iowa?) and stealing some laptops? Take our fun poll! MORE »