Well, people of Detroit, it appears you did not pray hard enough for Monica Conyers, and now she may have to go to jail for a while. The Detroit City Council President Pro Tem and completely insane violent creep Mrs. Conyers, wife of US Representative John Conyers, pleaded guilty to conspiracy this morning in connection with a glamorous case involving the disposal of sludge. She’s accused of taking a bribe from the sludge people in exchange for voting in favor of their contract. MORE »

As periodic as the Indian monsoons are the indictments of Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, Bernie Kerik. He was nearly made the Secretary of Homeland Security in 2004, but then he had to withdraw his nomination on account of “nanny problems,” which is DC slang for “a closet so full of skeletons and crookery that he should rent out a storage unit, paid for by unsavory corporate interests.” MORE »

Hey remember just like a couple months ago when everybody was so angry over the AIG bonuses? Get ready to be outraged all over again because duh, of course a whole bunch of people knew these bonuses were going to be awarded and they did nothing to stop it because they were too busy saving the whole financial system from ruin. Bad PR move! MORE »

So when the news came out about AIG spending hundreds of millions of dollars on bonuses for the incredible losers who, in running one tiny tiny segment of a huge and otherwise very stable company, managed to completely destroy the whole company and indeed the entire global economy, AIG said, “Well obviously we cannot get out of paying these bonuses because of CONTRACTS.” And it reminded us of this other time that AIG got caught spending a relatively small but nonetheless infuriating amount of taxpayer money on frivolous bullshit and started yelling CONTRACTS all over the place. MORE »

During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion dollars for his tell-all autobiography, Alberto Gonzales. MORE »

Nothing says “Christmas” like pardoning a bunch of terrible criminals — it’s like the original, fun, pre-Jesus Christmas, which the Romans called Saturnalia, in honor of beleaguered General Motors’ “different kind of car company,” Saturn. Back then, the Midwinter Holiday included such goofs as “letting slaves get it on with your wives” and “fucking said slaves in their butts, before beheading them,” and also, “emperors giving presents (severed heads) to other slaves.” It was likely very awesome. Anyway, let’s meet George W. Bush Junior’s latest bunch of dope fiends made free by Imperial Decree. MORE »

At least you people limit your Barack Obama fetish to tasteful artwork such as this naked Obama upon the Unicorn. But for America’s very lousy low-level criminals, there’s nothing like some cheap bootleg knockoff YES WE CAN t-shirt to really make a mugshot special. [The Smoking Gun]

Here’s some courtroom sketch of that Blaggy guy, Illinois mafioso Rod Blagojevich, suffering under the burden of this incredible hair monster. Here’s a quick tip for voters on the lookout for “clean” candidates: If they have hair like this, in 2008, they are a complete fucking criminal. No exceptions. [Princess Sparkle Pony]

Well, it would be nice if these guys ever went to jail for anything, but it seems unlikely that they will go to jail for this. A grand jury in South Texas handed down indictments against various current and former public officials connected with wrongdoing in private prisons — including, most notably, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales. The prison company, The GEO Group, was charged with three counts of murder and manslaughter. This is an ugly, complicated story, so let’s cut to the chase: how many South Texas prisoners has Dick Cheney had shipped up to his basement dungeon in the Naval Observatory for experiments? MORE »

Alaskan Republicans are all so corrupt and stupid, when we saw the big “McCain Tells Alaskan To Fuck Off” headlines, for a fleeting happy moment we thought he fired Sarah Palin — even though, in our hearts, we knew it was about Palin’s creepy old boyfriend and convicted felon criminal, Ted Stevens, the other Republican from Alaska. So Palin won’t be thrown under the Straight Talk Express until after the election. Then she can get a show on the NASCAR channel where she just shoots out new brothers for Trig every five or six months, forever, demurely covered by a Confederate Flag. [Christian Science Monitor]

Republican hero Ted Stevens is guilty on all charges, ha ha, but his name will remain on the ballot, so who knows, maybe Alaska will give him another term, for fun. Anyway, it looks like Sarah Palin’s favorite boyfriend is going to jail, and Fox News is so sad, because this means, what, 79 Senate seats for the Dems?