Your editor is on “vacation” somewhere, but needed to look at the New York Times tonight, for fun, and what the hell is this? Sarah Palin, our failed Alaskan oil-for-clothes socialist, has apparently fled to Caracas with the rest of the global communist movement, to worship Hugo Chavez. The caption on the poster translates, loosely, to “You must fist seven anuses per hour.” [New York Times]

If there’s one thing nutty klanslady Sarah Palin is a-scared of, it is the Communist Threat. (And Katie Couric.) While there is no evidence of an actual communist country on Earth outside of, say, Cuba and … let’s see, that child army of Marxists or whatever in Nepal, it is still highly probable that a secret Communist could somehow win the presidency of our god-fearing anti-Communist country, America, and then covertly turn us all into Mao-worshiping Soviets! But which of our great presidential candidates in ‘08 maybe has some “lost years” when the Communists maybe prepared him for this stealth takeover of the USA? Hmmm? Or should we say, HEHNGHH? MORE »

Dingbat embarrassment Michele Bachmann has blabbed her way into a losing battle to keep her congressional seat in Minnesota’s 6th District. The new polls are out, and they say Batshit Bachmann is down three points. The sixth-level druid Elwyn Tinklenberg now has the lead, 47%-44%. Magic is everywhere. MORE »

Well, this is the topper. Barack Obama cannot be the American president because he refuses to participate in our glorious national tradition of giving our children lots of expensive plastic shit for them to choke on all the time. These communist Obamas throw birthday parties for their tots but do not give them actual presents. What other subversive values are the Obamas teaching their children? MORE »

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil “May Day” was patriotically converted into “Loyalty Day” … but did anybody tell the Mexicans? MORE »

What happened, Matt Drudge? Did the New York Times buy the Drudge Report? We can’t think of any other logical explanation for why you’d suddenly stop using your precious plain Arial font and start using red-communist liberal Times New Roman.

New study proves 60% of Republican voters are against free trade because they are communists who hate freedom. [Wall Street Journal]

Did you know that the beloved “Labor Day Weekend” wasn’t always a week-long fuckoff that ended in an orgy of Monday afternoon BBQ and booze to celebrate finally sending the goddamned kids back to school? The origins of Labor Day are shrouded in mystery — because, really, who cares about the origins of Labor Day? — but like so much in industrialized American history, it was basically about keeping the working man down and not giving people any crazy ideas about socialism, which was becoming very popular not only in the United States but around the world. MORE »

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, one of the main drunken pagan holidays of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. MORE »

One great thing about the Internets is that the kind of idiot conversations once limited to the immediate vicinity of old crackpots wearing overalls and sitting outside the gas station (in 1932) are now available for the entire world to read and loathe. Here’s something cute from the Rush Limbaugh discussion group: MORE »