THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money. MORE »

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right? MORE »

Wow, we’d gotten so entangled in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal that we forgot about America’s Gays and their leader, Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. What’s that unbelievably gay man been up to recently? When not scanning over intern applications, it seems he’s still going on about that little airport incident last summer. His lawyers have entered another “reply” to the court of Minnesota, arguing in vain that What He Did was not gay at all. Let’s find the most hilariously gay moments of this 42-page document! MORE »

Democrat Tony Sasso (Sasso, Sasso, has a nice ring to it) has defeated some guy by 400 votes to win the special election for Florida House District 32. It’s an important election on all levels, but coincidentally, this is the seat from which ex-Republican state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen resigned last year, after he was found guilty of offering blowjobs to everyone in the bathroom. Congratulations, SASSO! We half-wish the Republican challenger had won, however, since he would have been hilariously gay as well. [Orlando Sentinel]

Cocktober 2006 was a beautiful time; we remember it fondly, becoming misty-eyed and nostalgic whenever we are reminded of that better, simpler time when everyone was really interested in sexytime emails and porn. One of those times that makes us misty is right now, as we are told that Nancy Pelosi won’t help Florida law enforcement probe any deeper into whether or not our old friend Mark Foley committed any of a multitude of possible felonies. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement appealed to the Speaker herself to let them look at the backup tapes (tapes?) from Foley’s old computer, but Nancy said no. MORE »

Former Florida state Rep. “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen, the homosexual Republican who was tried and convicted for trying to blow this dude in a Florida potty, is back on our gaydar after landing in Rolling Stone’s “Yearbook 2007″ issue. No, no, it’s not for the “Top 5 Florida Legislators of the Year” list, but for the one chronicling 2007’s best GOP sex scandals. Holler to Rolling Stone: We don’t really read you, but we respect you. -ish. [WESH]

So long to the mirthful tap-tap-tap of Endless Cummer, the bite of Cocktober, and what turned out to be a mildly gusty Blowvember. We will commemorate your legacies during Dickcember, the winner of our poll. Write-in candidate “Jizzember” almost stole the crown from Dickcember, the wealthiest and most connected candidate, but get real — this is Amerka, and we don’t elect underdogs. Anyway, with Hanucockkah, Cockzaa and Dickmas all integral aspects of the Dickcember melting poofter (no? not working?), don’t be surprised to see some secret, usually gay, usually hypocritical, usually ugly and always funny dicks in Wonkette news. Happy… Whoridays?

Crap crap crap, it’s Blowvember 30 and we haven’t settled on a name for December yet! We’re not even going to attempt to make this diamonds/pearls-esque decision, so, um… small request… you do it? After the jump, our poll (which will be open until we arbitrarily close it sometime later today): What shall we call December? And if people bitch about the winner later on, we’ll just pass all blame on Ben Johnson. MORE »

So, like, you know how Richard Roberts resigned as President of Oral Roberts University and everyone totally assumed it was about all those charges and lawsuits and whatnot? Richard “I Don’t Know When To STFU And Go Away” Roberts says, no, not so! He told the students at ORU on Wednesday that God told him on Thanksgiving to resign, just like s/he told him to deny everything and stay on in the first place. God has a plan to do “something supernatural” for the university if Roberts gets gone. Regents Chairman George Pearsons told the students “ORU is a place where love is king.” Do you think they even listen to what they’re saying? Like, ever? [Yahoo News]

Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, who has been on a leave of absence since Cocktober, resigned Friday, effective immediately. Satan’s forces are advancing! The pants party don’t never stop. [AP]

Remember how we said the “Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen saga was kaput? Well, it still is — unless you live in Florida. If you follow the logical thread that bathroom blowjob = gay embarrassment = weeklong misdemeanor trial = conviction = resignation, the laugh cycle has reached its limit for most Americans. But for Floridians it continues, because resignation = special election = MONEY$. And as the Orlando Sentinel reported today, a special election could cost the state $400,000. The state could either tap into its tax revenue or allow Bob Allen to buy 20,000 blowjobs from government employees.

Filling Rep. Bob Allen’s seat could cost Orange, Brevard $200,000 each [Orlando Sentinel]