Tag Archives: pt cocktober

  cocktober

New York Rep. Michael Grimm Says He Did Not Sex That Lady In The Toilet

This “Michael Grimm” fellow, remember him? Of course you don’t, it is not like he is Ted Yoho or Louie Gohmert, he is just some asshole from New York who apparently was being investigated by the FBI once (we reminded ourselves while doing a quick archive check and found this greatest ever correction, by us, of our terrible reporting, by us). He also was mad at Tyrant Obama for breaking the Constitution with a $4 cell phone fee. You know, the usual. BUT! Maybe we will get to know him a little better — or a LOT better! — now that the Daily News informs us he loves to have sex on ladies in bathrooms. Schwing! Read more on New York Rep. Michael Grimm Says He Did Not Sex That Lady In The Toilet…
  cocktober

Attorney For Pat Robertson’s Anti-Gay Legal Outfit Fired For Alleged Wide Stance With (Possibly) Under-Age Boys

Oh look, a poorly produced video about some guy named “Jim,” a.k.a “our bitch who got us drunk.” (No, not Jim Newell, although we will make him our bitch and let him get us drunk if he asks nicely.) This video is about Jim Henderson, formerly a senior attorney at the American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ), who was fired by Pat Robertson’s outfit last week for “maybe” being gay. Read more on Attorney For Pat Robertson’s Anti-Gay Legal Outfit Fired For Alleged Wide Stance With (Possibly) Under-Age Boys…
  cocktober

Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops

Well yikes, etc.! Pictured above is Detroit internal affairs (heh?) officer Angelica Robinson, who tweeted this angsty self-portrait after finding out that her lover, Detroit Police Chief Ralph Godbee, was sexin’ on someone else. Robinson, as you might have guessed, has had her service weapon removed from her possession, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. Godbee? He’s been suspended. Wait, is it 2010 again? No, that was when the last Detroit chief of police, Warren Evans, got canned for porking his subordinate. Read more on Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops…
  cocktober

Blackmail! Nudie Pix! First Cousins/Lovers! Here Is The Best City Goverment In Florida!

‘Sup Boynton Beach city commissioner Marlene Ross? Oh, you are totally sure an “evil,” “sinister” fellow commissioner has been threatening to extort you over the sexts you sent to your first cousin/lover? And much of the story is given to you breathlessly narrating in bodice-ripping Shades of Gray dialogue how you tried to hold off your first cousin/lover, etc., and it is all verbatim and weird? But all the cops who looked into it were like, “dude, lady, this does not fit ‘extortion’ but maybe you could talk to Lifetime?” Fun story! Fun city commission! Let us cover our computer screens from prying eyes, and blockquote, together! Read more on Blackmail! Nudie Pix! First Cousins/Lovers! Here Is The Best City Goverment In Florida!…
  cocktober

South Carolina Has Basically Decriminalized Having Daytime Prostitute Sex In Cemeteries

Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake. Read more on South Carolina Has Basically Decriminalized Having Daytime Prostitute Sex In Cemeteries…
  cocktober

French Culture Minister Loves Doing Thai Boys

Apparently this wasn’t much of a news story when France’s Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand actually wrote it in 2005, but now that he has supported Roman Polanski, everyone is pointing out the part of his memoir where he admits to loving little boy prostitute cock, in Thailand — the very same crime that Roman Polanski committed in the ’70s at Jack Nicholson’s house. Read more on French Culture Minister Loves Doing Thai Boys…
  cocktober

JESUS CHRIST, THIS WAS OLD NEWS: YES FINE OKAY TIPSTERS, Levi Johnston is going to be nakey in Playgirl, according to the new story that is the exact same thing as the story from several weeks ago. See? Lauri Apple even did an illustration back then and everything! But anyway, Levi is working out six days a week now and will look super hot. [AP] Read more on …
  cocktober

One Time Andrew Sullivan Boned Some Dude For Like 12 Hours

As bait goes, this one’s too easy, and we think that celebrated marijuana pundit Andrew Sullivan knows that, but nevertheless: “I recall one marathon twelve-hour session of passion many years ago now. It was only afterwards that I realized I had barely had a single trace of an analytic thought for the longest period I could then remember. I was never happier. As I finally collapsed into my lover’s arms with the final orgasm that drained every last drop of desire or need from my body and soul, I understood for the first time why the French call coming ‘le petit mort.'” You’re welcome! [Andrew Sullivan] Read more on One Time Andrew Sullivan Boned Some Dude For Like 12 Hours…
  cocktober

Mark Foley Breaks 2-Year Silence

Poor Mark Foley. In olden times (two years ago), he was just another affable barely-closeted gay Republican, well liked by his colleagues and constituents. Then he got caught exchanging sexy instant messages with 17-year-old male pages who were pretty clearly like, “Whatever, you old creep,” and suddenly everybody thought he was terrible. Now Foley’s breed of harmless homosexual Republican has been hunted almost into extinction, even as exorcism fetishists, alien warlords, and angry old crooks flourish within the party ranks. Let’s see what the fragile, endangered Cocktobrus floridianus has to say for himself. Read more on Mark Foley Breaks 2-Year Silence…
  cocktober

Mark Foley Reappears!

Republican hero and proud father of Cocktober Mark Foley hangs out in Beverly Hills, apparently, and chatted with a TV producer and a talent manager who thought he looked familiar. Maybe because he was on CSI or something? He said “Yes I am that guy who had to resign from Congress because I sent some sexy emails to a page when I was drunk, blah blah blah.” Then he said he supported Barack Obama for president, thereby ensuring a glorious 72-year McCain/Palin reign of terror. [Wilshire & Washington] Read more on Mark Foley Reappears!…
  cocktober

Judge Resigns Following Accusations Of Flashing In Starbucks Toilet

O fair Cocktober, ye slayer of perverts and porn-filth fans, ye scourge of bathroom goblins and peen-flashers! Today’s Cocktober Update features a judge in Florida who was accused of showing off his man-parts in a Starbucks bathroom on the campus of the University of Miami. Read more on Judge Resigns Following Accusations Of Flashing In Starbucks Toilet…
  cocktober

Sexpot Congressman Admits Affair, And Another Affair, And Probably Like 900 Million Other Affairs Too

Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, the freshman Congressman who took over gay pedophile Mark Foley’s Florida seat in 2006, has confessed that he boned that person Pat, and that he boned another Florida trailer trash county administrator, and that he has boned “multiple” other non-wife gals since forever. When asked HOW MANY EXACTLY, his frightening response was, “You’re asking me over a lifetime?” Yeah, c’mon people, he’s not a freaking abacus, he’s not a math numbers… scientist… expert… guy. The hell kind of a question is that? [AP] Read more on Sexpot Congressman Admits Affair, And Another Affair, And Probably Like 900 Million Other Affairs Too…
  cocktober

Albany Awash In Sick Porn Filth

Jesus, what are they putting in the water up there? Today’s tale of New York politicos embroiled in grody sex scandals brings you Robert Groezinger, a lawyer and aide to a New York state senator, who is accused of downloading a bunch of child pornography to his home computer. Authorities say Groezinger corresponded with someone in California, the international capital of perverts, in order to get over 40 images of whatever, it is gross, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. Read more on Albany Awash In Sick Porn Filth…
  cocktober

Tragic Details Of Republican’s Ruined Plans For Sex With Imaginary Children

Yesterday all we knew about this fellow Chris Ortloff was that he had been arrested in a hotel room with some manner of sex devices on his person and an alleged intention to do dirty things to a minor or minors. Now we learn the nature of the devices (garden variety, alas) and the intended victims (fake 11- and 12-year-old sisters). Read more on Tragic Details Of Republican’s Ruined Plans For Sex With Imaginary Children…
  cocktober

Former Upstate NY Politician Arrested In Seedy Motel Kiddie Porn Sting

Three cheers, for Cocktober is in full swing! Some tragic former upstate New York assemblyman and current parole board member was busted for allegedly arranging a date with what he thought would be an underage person but turned out to be the State Police. Hmm! Our fake fantasy victim has no gender here in this write-up. Read more on Former Upstate NY Politician Arrested In Seedy Motel Kiddie Porn Sting…
  cocktober

Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person

THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money. Read more on Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person…