Tag Archives: pt cartoon violence

  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
  cartoon violence

Snowpocalypse Now

By the Comics CurmudgeonOH GOD YOU GUYS HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE LATELY! There is, like, so much snow! Frozen water! Falling out of the sky! And accumulating, on the ground! YOU GUYS! And yet there’s supposed to be this whole “global warming” thing, which was going to turn the entire planet into a palm-tree-lousy paradise? People are angry! They’re feeling betrayed! Especially the ones who never believed in global warming in the first place! Why does Al Gore hate America, so very much? Read more on Snowpocalypse Now…
  cartoon violence

Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock

By the Comics CurmudgeonGuys, it’s come to my attention that you’re all a bunch of lonely sex-starved losers, and that you turn to your Wonkette for brief glimmers of eroticism that will make your sad, lonely lives feel like they might be worth living again! Also, according to our records (admittedly not updated since March of 2009 or thereabouts), you are all totally hot for Barack Obama, and want to kiss and hug him and make him your boyfriend and also do dirty sex things with him. You will not be able to do any of this, of course, because the president has a phalanx of security goons surrounding him at all times. But some of these cartoons will be the next best thing! Read more on Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock…
  cartoon violence

When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird

By the Comics CurmudgeonYou know, a little more than a year ago, we elected a dude for president whose whole campaign hinged on the word “change.” It was almost like Americans actually wanted things to be different, though of course that turned out not to be true at all, since it turns out that everything was already pretty awesome! But some Americans you’d never expect really took the change message to heart. They took a long, hard look at what they had been doing, and decided maybe to mix it up a bit. Who are these suddenly change-embracing thrill seekers? Read more on When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird…
  cartoon violence

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day? Read more on Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns…
  cartoon violence

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts

By the Comics CurmudgeonSince you’re reading Wonkette, I assume you’re some kind of news-reading nerd, since without a deep and thorough understanding of the American political system and world events you can’t appreciate the many philosophical layers of our hilarious dick jokes. Which means, of course, that you’ve probably had your fill of tales of grim earthquake-struck horror. Why can’t we all enjoy some happy good times, from cartoons? Or at least be distracted by their insanity? That, good sirs and madams, is precisely what I intend to deliver to you today. Read more on Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts…
  cartoon violence

I Saw Santa Doing SOMETHING

By the Comics CurmudgeonHeterosexual Americans, forced to acknowledge that gays lurk in their midst, have focused their attention recently on identifying them. They do this the way they do everything else: with easy-to-encapsulate stereotyping! Gays are thin, neat, clean shaven, and bitchy, or so the stereotype goes. But like all stereotypes, this one has its exceptions! For instance, what if you found out that there was a gay man who was fat, and hairy, and downright jolly? Would it change everything you knew about the world and how it worked? Would it BLOW YOUR MIND? Read more on I Saw Santa Doing SOMETHING…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Puts The “Ho” In “Ho Ho Ho”

By the Comics CurmudgeonMost normal humans are at this point ensconced in the loving bosoms of their family to celebrate the birth of the American Jesus. That leaves a motley collection of hateful, Christ- and family-shunning degenerate misanthropes as the only people reading “blogs” on the “Internet” — Wonkette’s core audience, in other words! We hope all you joyless monsters enjoy the following cartoons, which mock Our Lord Jesus and His only begotten son, Santa. Read more on Cartoon Violence Puts The “Ho” In “Ho Ho Ho”…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Is Drenched In Blood

By the Comics CurmudgeonIn honor of this week’s announcement, in Old Norse, that Peace can best be achieved by Warring, Forever, we here at Cartoon Violence are going to give up and embrace carnage! As movie producers long ago discovered, blowing shit up and then dismembering it has a certain visual and visceral impact than a bunch of dudes standing around earnestly talking about policy never will. Thus, there will be blood, yes, as well as explosions and bombs and nightmarish baby-monsters and fetuses and, of course, floppy man-boobs. Always the floppy man-boobs! Anyway, join us in hell, after the jump. Read more on Cartoon Violence Is Drenched In Blood…
  cartoon violence

Taste The Righteous Rage

By the Comics CurmudgeonUsually your Comics Curmudgeon approaches his work with a certain lightness of heart. But today is not such a day. Today is a day in which cartoons will be angrily berated for their various failings. Today is the day of wrath, the one foretold by the prophets of ancient times. LET US BEGIN. Read more on Taste The Righteous Rage…
  cartoon violence

Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs. Read more on Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series…
  cartoon violence

The Opposite Of Progress

By the Comics CurmudgeonHey, kids, remember your civics class, where you learned that there are other parts of the government that aren’t currently controlled by Muslims? There’s the so-called “Supreme Court,” which everyone ignores most of the time right up until they legalize gayness; but then there’s this other thing, whaddya call it, Congress, and there’s like dozens and dozens of those jackholes, so even though they aren’t “worse” than President Antichrist on an individual level, there are more of them, so it kind of balances out! Anyway, one half of Congress just passed some crazy-ass law last week. How did they manage to do this? Simple: DEVIL MAGIC. Read more on The Opposite Of Progress…
  cartoon violence

History’s Most Important Election In An Odd-Numbered Year, In Cartoon Form

By the Comics CurmudgeonGenerally speaking, most Americans can barely be bothered to vote during important elections — you know, the ones with years divisible by four! It’s even harder getting them off of their Dorito-stained couches to cast their ballots when it’s a year that’s an even number that isn’t divisible by four, and when we’re talking odd-numbered years, well, you can just totally forget about that. I realize that all this math is way, way beyond what most Americans can handle, and yet through some instinct, they can distinguish; my theory is that they can tell how important an election is by the volume of the shouting from the glowing picture-box in the living room. Anyway, despite widespread apathy, there were several elections yesterday, and so, by Journalism Law, a few unlucky cartoonists were forced to briefly stop drawing insightful Balloon Boy cartoons to deal with them. After the jump: the goriest political cartoon in human history. Read more on History’s Most Important Election In An Odd-Numbered Year, In Cartoon Form…
  cartoon violence

The Thrill Is Gone

By the Comics CurmudgeonDo you remember ’round about a year ago when it was all “hope and change” this and “yes we can” that, and everything was going to be fixed, forever? Ha ha! Obviously all of our problems are intractable and terrible and nobody can fix them, no matter how nice his teeth are. And so, we must muddle on with our sad, grey lives, turning briefly to media sensations for the brief peaks of joy we used to experience during holiday celebrations or sex. Tune in for more grim tidings, after the jump! Read more on The Thrill Is Gone…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Refuses To Help Its Fellow Man

By the Comics CurmudgeonHello, readers, and welcome to a very special Carton Violence, in which we will turn our eyes away from the foul nightmare that is the editorial pages, and to the innocent, carefree comics pages, which are probably in the back of the section with the TV listings in your local paper! (Ha ha, just kidding, I realize none of you actually read the “paper”.) Do you know that this Saturday is National Make A Difference Day, when you’re supposed to, like, volunteer or something? Of course you don’t, and here’s why: because the White House apparently decided that the best way to publicize this to the masses was to encourage the writers of newspaper comic strips to plant pro-volunteering propaganda in their word-and-picture boxes. Do they think that it’s 1955? Isn’t this the same group of people who won a presidential election entirely by using Twitter? Anyway, the results, as you’ll see after the jump, are mostly laughable and terrible, when they aren’t actively offensive. Read more on Cartoon Violence Refuses To Help Its Fellow Man…
  cartoon violence

This Week: Asses

By the Comics CurmudgeonWhat is the most amusing part of the human anatomy? While there are a lot to choose from, I’d have to say the butt, mostly because asses and humor occupy the exact same overlap in the Venn diagram between “sexy” and “gross.” Because our dying media establishment is still clinging to antiquated concepts like “dignity” and “morals” and “for Christ’s sake people don’t want to see naked asses in the newspaper,” most political cartoons do not feature naked asses per se (though there are horrifying exceptions). Nevertheless, political cartoons cannot resist the laugh riot that even the fully clothed booty brings to the table. Read more on This Week: Asses…
  cartoon violence

Hobo Euro-Mutants

By the Comics CurmudgeonAmerica might be a land of shouty illiterate fartsacks who will die of massive Hardees-induced coronaries in filthy hospital waiting rooms while trying to fill out insurance forms with numbing fingers, but at least we aren’t Europeans, am I right? I mean, Jesus, think about the awful nadir of degradation it must be, being one of those people. Wait, what, you don’t think Europeans are terrible mutant monsters? Oh, ho ho, do I have news for you, after the jump. Read more on Hobo Euro-Mutants…
  cartoon violence

Sometimes Things Look Like Other Things

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you know that no object in the universe is entirely unique? It’s true! Many things, it turns out, look like other things. Sometimes things don’t look like other things, but they’re like other things, at their essence, in what we call a “metaphor.” Sometimes you see a thing and you think, “That thing can’t actually be what it looks like,” but have no idea what it actually is! And sometimes, very rarely, you find out that one of your neighbors is keeping the president’s corpse in his refrigerator. Read more on Sometimes Things Look Like Other Things…
  cartoon violence

Nudity And Cannibalism And Whores

By the Comics CurmudgeonIf Carl Jung were alive today, he’d see political cartoons as a shortcut into our collective subconscious. Those brave few Americans who continue to read newspapers have the honor or seeing the darkest, foulest recesses of the human mind barfed out daily onto editorial pages everywhere. In order to fulfill their appointed role of shocking a jaded nation, the cartoonists select only the most depraved, taboo-violating subjects for their art. What we’re trying to say is that this week’s cartoons are all about awful stuff, so brace yourself before you click the clicky and see the things in store for you. Read more on Nudity And Cannibalism And Whores…
  cartoon violence

Another Bunch Of Cartoons About Health Care, Plus Poop, Literal Actual Poop

By the Comics CurmudgeonHey, you know what, America: I want this health care dealio over with as soon as you do. Not because I care about my own or anyone else’s health, mind you; I am just tired of all the cartoons being churned out about it, when there could be cartoons churned out about something much sexier, like a sex scandal, or a gay sex scandal. But until that day comes, I will be forced to comment on the whole health care reform thingimabob. Fortunately, none of the cartoonists commenting on it understand it any more than I do, but they do sure do know one thing: poop is hilarious! Read more on Another Bunch Of Cartoons About Health Care, Plus Poop, Literal Actual Poop…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Will Never Forget

By the Comics Curmudgeon The September 11 attacks were terrible for any number of reasons, with the exploding and the wars and the death, and so it’s obviously petty to bitch about the many terrible cartoons they spawned, with the Statue of Liberty, crying, but when it’s your JOB to think about cartoons, as it has, somewhat improbably, become mine, then this is the sort of thing you think about, sometimes, when you think about 9/11. And there were no 9/11 weeping Statue of Liberty cartoons this year, so, VICTORY, in that extremely limited sense! But there was still a bunch of other crap. Read more on Cartoon Violence Will Never Forget…
  cartoon violence

Your Friday Cartoon Explanatorium

By the Comics CurmudgeonI will not lie to you: Sometimes political cartoons can be confusing! Especially for you, the unwashed masses, who never got any proper art education in school because your elected officials decided that Americans needed to know more about “science” and “math” and a bunch of poindextery stuff like that. Fortunately, your Wonkette provides to you, free of charge, explanations of some of the more obscure cartoons, straight from the typing fingers of the world’s only professional cartoon explainer. Join us after the jump, and prepare to be AMAZED AND ENLIGHTENED! Read more on Your Friday Cartoon Explanatorium…