Tag Archives: pt cartoon violence

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The Real Obama REVEALED

By the Comics CurmudgeonEven though he’s been the President of the United States, literally the most famous and recognizable person on earth, for the last year and a half, and he was on TV constantly for like two years before that, and he wrote two books and so on, we don’t really know who Barack Obama is, do we? I mean, who is this character? Does he mean what he says? Can we trust him, to keep our freedoms safe? These are not racist questions to ask! That’s because birds and sex-robots aren’t “races” per se. Read more on The Real Obama REVEALED…
  cartoon violence

Things To Electrocute And/Or Screw

By the Comics CurmudgeonIs there any more poignant word in the English language than “avuncular”? Literally meaning “in the manner of an uncle,” it has come to denote the sort of interactions that you might have with a relative of an older generation, a relative that you’re fond of, but not really close to: there’s a certain chummy pleasantness, combined with perhaps more license than one expects from someone your parents’ age, masking an underlying lack of true intimacy. Thus it is not inappropriate that our national symbol is not a father or mother figure, but rather a stripey-pantsed Uncle, with whom our relationship might be somewhat ambivalent. It’s still sad to see him get tasered or sewn to a French dude, though! Read more on Things To Electrocute And/Or Screw…
  cartoon violence

The Triumphant Return Of Cartoon Violence (And Horrible Manimal-Things)

By the Comics CurmudgeonHey, everybody, did you miss your Cartoon Violence? I’ll bet you did! Your Comics Curmudgeon missed you too, though I have to say that I didn’t miss wading through hundreds of political cartoons on a regular basis, satisfying as it is to smite ’em in the end. And as I dove head-first into the hellscape of Slate’s Cartoon Box, I discovered that nothing had changed during my sabbatical: the cartooning class’s obsession with the sex lives of nightmarish man-animal beasts was still in full effect. Read more on The Triumphant Return Of Cartoon Violence (And Horrible Manimal-Things)…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn

By the Comics CurmudgeonIf you’re like most right-thinking Americans, you’re probably wondering, “What does the mainstream media have against precious, precious babies that have yet to choose to leave their mothers’ wombs yet, anyway? Why are these elitists all basically posting pleas on page A1 begging women to get abortions?” Well, it all boils down to economics: newspapers need readers, and it’s a well known fact that virtually all preborn babies are wholly illiterate. And once they are welcomed through their mothers’ vaginal gates, they make so many demands on their parents’ time that they don’t have time to read thoughtful columns by Richard Cohen or David Brooks either! And, since Wonkette would go out of business if we didn’t have Richard Cohen and David Brooks to make fun of, we too must get on that gravy train. After the jump: fetuses and their discontents. Read more on Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn…
  cartoon violence

People Are Screwing Animals

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you know that right now, thanks to some extra-tasty crack that the Gays slipped to the members of the DC City Council, dudes are marrying other dudes in our nation’s capital, and ladies are marrying ladies? This has been happening for about five years, of course, but only in parts of the country like “Vermont” and “Iowa,” which don’t count and may not even exist. But now it’s happening right here in the seat of government! The city where our Founding Fathers gathered to sign the most important documents in our history — the Magna Carta, the Second Amendment, and the Contract With America! Read more on People Are Screwing Animals…
  cartoon violence

THE END IS NIGH!

By the Comics CurmudgeonReaders! Are you aware that each and every one of you are mortal, and will die? I know, pretty depressing, right? Even worse than the dying — which, by all accounts, doesn’t sound like any kind of picnic — is the fact that, by sheer chance of health or age, millions upon millions of unworthy chumps will outlive you! Sure, those jackholes will themselves die, eventually, but don’t you kind of resent them for getting to find out who wins the 2093 World Series or whatever when you won’t? I believe that this sort of resentment is exactly the psychological origin of the notion of the End Times, when not just you but everyone is killed by nuclear fire, or perhaps raptured up into the skies to be Judged by Our Lord. Such an important event has of course been studied in great detail by the most learned theological thinkers of our day (i.e., political cartoonists). Read more on THE END IS NIGH!…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
  cartoon violence

Snowpocalypse Now

By the Comics CurmudgeonOH GOD YOU GUYS HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE LATELY! There is, like, so much snow! Frozen water! Falling out of the sky! And accumulating, on the ground! YOU GUYS! And yet there’s supposed to be this whole “global warming” thing, which was going to turn the entire planet into a palm-tree-lousy paradise? People are angry! They’re feeling betrayed! Especially the ones who never believed in global warming in the first place! Why does Al Gore hate America, so very much? Read more on Snowpocalypse Now…
  cartoon violence

Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock

By the Comics CurmudgeonGuys, it’s come to my attention that you’re all a bunch of lonely sex-starved losers, and that you turn to your Wonkette for brief glimmers of eroticism that will make your sad, lonely lives feel like they might be worth living again! Also, according to our records (admittedly not updated since March of 2009 or thereabouts), you are all totally hot for Barack Obama, and want to kiss and hug him and make him your boyfriend and also do dirty sex things with him. You will not be able to do any of this, of course, because the president has a phalanx of security goons surrounding him at all times. But some of these cartoons will be the next best thing! Read more on Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock…
  cartoon violence

When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird

By the Comics CurmudgeonYou know, a little more than a year ago, we elected a dude for president whose whole campaign hinged on the word “change.” It was almost like Americans actually wanted things to be different, though of course that turned out not to be true at all, since it turns out that everything was already pretty awesome! But some Americans you’d never expect really took the change message to heart. They took a long, hard look at what they had been doing, and decided maybe to mix it up a bit. Who are these suddenly change-embracing thrill seekers? Read more on When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird…
  cartoon violence

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day? Read more on Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns…
  cartoon violence

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts

By the Comics CurmudgeonSince you’re reading Wonkette, I assume you’re some kind of news-reading nerd, since without a deep and thorough understanding of the American political system and world events you can’t appreciate the many philosophical layers of our hilarious dick jokes. Which means, of course, that you’ve probably had your fill of tales of grim earthquake-struck horror. Why can’t we all enjoy some happy good times, from cartoons? Or at least be distracted by their insanity? That, good sirs and madams, is precisely what I intend to deliver to you today. Read more on Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts…
  cartoon violence

I Saw Santa Doing SOMETHING

By the Comics CurmudgeonHeterosexual Americans, forced to acknowledge that gays lurk in their midst, have focused their attention recently on identifying them. They do this the way they do everything else: with easy-to-encapsulate stereotyping! Gays are thin, neat, clean shaven, and bitchy, or so the stereotype goes. But like all stereotypes, this one has its exceptions! For instance, what if you found out that there was a gay man who was fat, and hairy, and downright jolly? Would it change everything you knew about the world and how it worked? Would it BLOW YOUR MIND? Read more on I Saw Santa Doing SOMETHING…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Puts The “Ho” In “Ho Ho Ho”

By the Comics CurmudgeonMost normal humans are at this point ensconced in the loving bosoms of their family to celebrate the birth of the American Jesus. That leaves a motley collection of hateful, Christ- and family-shunning degenerate misanthropes as the only people reading “blogs” on the “Internet” — Wonkette’s core audience, in other words! We hope all you joyless monsters enjoy the following cartoons, which mock Our Lord Jesus and His only begotten son, Santa. Read more on Cartoon Violence Puts The “Ho” In “Ho Ho Ho”…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Is Drenched In Blood

By the Comics CurmudgeonIn honor of this week’s announcement, in Old Norse, that Peace can best be achieved by Warring, Forever, we here at Cartoon Violence are going to give up and embrace carnage! As movie producers long ago discovered, blowing shit up and then dismembering it has a certain visual and visceral impact than a bunch of dudes standing around earnestly talking about policy never will. Thus, there will be blood, yes, as well as explosions and bombs and nightmarish baby-monsters and fetuses and, of course, floppy man-boobs. Always the floppy man-boobs! Anyway, join us in hell, after the jump. Read more on Cartoon Violence Is Drenched In Blood…
  cartoon violence

Taste The Righteous Rage

By the Comics CurmudgeonUsually your Comics Curmudgeon approaches his work with a certain lightness of heart. But today is not such a day. Today is a day in which cartoons will be angrily berated for their various failings. Today is the day of wrath, the one foretold by the prophets of ancient times. LET US BEGIN. Read more on Taste The Righteous Rage…