“ST. PAUL, Minn. – Republican Norm Coleman conceded to Democrat Al Franken in Minnesota’s contested Senate race on Tuesday, ending a nearly eight-month recount and court fight over an election decided by only a few hundred votes.” [AP]

IT’S 9/11 + HALLOWEEN × INFINITY: Human oddity Michael Jackson is dead, according to a chain of increasingly reliable media outlets starting with TMZ and ending with Raw Story the New York Times. (Just kidding, it’s only TMZ and some blogs. The LA Times says he’s in a coma … and NOW he’s officially deceased.) Michael Jackson was 50 and just acted hella weird all the time. [Every News Outlet For The Next Week]

METRO CRASH KILLS 2, 6, 9, INJURES 55 76: Red line trains smash up and stack up near the Ft. Totten Metro station, and emergency teams have reportedly just finished the “extraction.” Traffic jams, ambulances trying to get in and out, just avoid the whole area. Ugh. [WTOP/DCist]

Yikes, what is going on at the Census Bureau? Wonkette operative “Jon S.” reports, “An announcement just came over the loudspeaker saying nobody is allowed to enter or leave the U.S. Census Bureau, except security personnel. Oh noes, sinister members of congress are trying to eliminate statistical sampling methods!” And, moments later, he adds: “Rumor has it that helicopters are involved ….” WTF?

Look, it’s the mangy half-breed street cur Ted Kennedy dropped on the Obamas’ doorstep the other night. He has been wormed. The Obama family showed him to the press yesterday to prove that they haven’t eated him, yet. [MSNBC]

Now this is some change we can believe in: Barack Obama kept his promise to three Americans (his wife and daughters) and now the family has a dog (Bobby Jindal). Ha, just kidding, they wanted a good dog. And they haven’t actually picked out a canine, yet. It’s all in People magazine, which is the main periodical covering the Obama Administration, because Americans love People, and when’s the last time you saw the NYT in the checkout line? MORE »

The actual breaking news was something about Oprah doing some crazy Oprah stuff. But “afdsadf” gets the job done too.

WONKETTE OPERATIVE REPORTS: MORE »