WHOA THAT IS HARSH: Famous George Washington lookalike and Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for defrauding Kyra Sedgwick and other elderly Jews. “Applause broke out in the crowded Manhattan courtroom after the maximum sentence was announced.” [My Fox NY]

Kim Capello, the married heterosexual male county commissioner from Nowheresville, Michigan, electrified the Republican party this spring when police allegedly caught him having naked sex with an adult lady, in public. “I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” he later told reporters, in a clear show of remorse for not having been caught in a fur suit soliciting sex from teenage boys. MORE »

Anybody in possession of a telephone, which is to say, 105 percent of all Americans, have been harrassed to death by these stupid idiot robots who call you up about your expiring car warranty, even if you don’t have a car. Well, they made the mistake of messing with Chuck Schumer, a very nasty man, who sicced the FTC on them. If only they’d called Schumer months ago when your editor was getting oh five or six of these fucking things a day, they would already have been prosecuted for War Crimes. MORE »

You know why we have not written about this too much? Because number one, who gives a flying fuck what Miss California thinks about political “things.” And number two, any beauty pageant contestant who doesn’t have a boatload of topless photos in her closet is just not trying hard enough. Anyway Donald Trump, the owner of the Miss USA and the world’s wealthiest muskrat, determined that Carrie Prejean’s hawt pre-boob-job photos did not diminish her ability to attend ribbon-cuttings at county fairs and other important Miss California-related events. It is a sad day when Donald Trump is the sanest man on television. [USA Today]

A very brave man once stood up in a press conference and took off his shoes one at a time and threw them at the President of America, who nimbly ducked because he still has the reflexes of a regular cocaine user. This shoe-throwing fellow was promptly taken to an Iraqi jail, where he was probably beaten, and now he will be tried for, let’s see, “aggression against a foreign head of state” on the very last day of the year. Translation: Muntadar al-Zaidi will be locked in a coffin of live rats and shipped to Dick Cheney’s basement at the Naval Observatory, where the Vice President will spend his New Year’s Eve skinning and stuffing the hapless Iraqi, who will become the latest addition to his growing collection of large mammal specimens. MORE »

Several weeks ago, a brave Computer Hacker proved to an anxious nation that at least one citizen still has an operating brain and can use it to crack difficult computer codes like “Where did you meet your spouse?” Authorities believe they have found the terrible miscreant who broke into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo account, and today he was indicted by a federal grand jury. Sounds fancy! MORE »