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  america's greatest pundits

The Proper Conservative Patriot’s Take On The Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Poor Jennifer Rubin, the unofficial public voice of the Romney campaign who continues to have a job at the Washington Post. Why doesn’t your Wonkette make fun of her more often? Maybe it’s too easy, but it’s not like that consideration has ever stopped us. Jen Rubin is sad today. Just a few days ago she was crowing, “The Obama campaign can’t bear the thought that the well-traveled Mitt Romney will make a nice impression on his overseas tour” — that the foreigns would instantly fall in love with Romney, a born diplomat. Unfortunately, within his first day or two of his arrival in our Special Friend country of England, Romney managed to insult the nation badly enough to earn a public rebuke from the conservative Prime Minister, the Mayor of London, and every newspaper and television station in the United Kingdom. What’s a Rubin to say now? How about… the Olympics opening ceremony is dumb, anyway, sorta like David Cameron is dumb. Read more on The Proper Conservative Patriot’s Take On The Olympic Opening Ceremonies…
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Today in Fappery: David Brooks on ‘Burkean Minimalist’ John Roberts

Centrist yuppies can barely handle themselves now, after seeing the Great Man himself, Chief Justice John Roberts, save Obamacare from judicial overreach in a statesmanlike move to protect his Court’s honor. It is stunning how much credit a Republican can get for not doing something 100% insane, just once, over the course of a lifetime. And blessed be the gods, Roberts ruling happened to coincide with a David Brooks appearance at the Aspen Ideas Festival — the single most faux-intellectual experience for yuppie weenies that exists in our time. How did Brooks manage to blow John Roberts all the way from Aspen, Colorado? He didn’t invoke Edmund Burke somehow, did he? Oh, God. Read more on Today in Fappery: David Brooks on ‘Burkean Minimalist’ John Roberts…
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Barack Obama Has Now Totally Ruined Marriage for Bristol Palin

Oh good, Alaska’s at-risk youth have an opinion about Barack Obama’s new/old stance in favor of same-sex marriage! He revealed this to America with a bland anecdote about how his daughters would never think to treat the gay parents of their classmates differently than other parents, remember? Let’s go to spokesmom Bristol Palin for the official Wasilla Family Values Coalition response: “It would’ve been helpful for [Barack Obama] to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her [sic] friends’ [gay] parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage.” Wine coolers are a much better, if not the only, reason to do so. Go on: “Or that – as great as her [sic] friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home.” The “we” in that sentence refers to a fictional tribe of space wombats. She’s on a roll! Read more on Barack Obama Has Now Totally Ruined Marriage for Bristol Palin…
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In Case It Wasn’t Clear, Michele Bachmann’s Dual Citizenship Is The Left’s Fault

Yesterday we learned that Michele Bachmann is a spy for the Swiss government, intent on bringing down the United States of America from within. “Go for it,” we say. But on the Right, this is a cause for great consternation. Also, on the Right, this is all considered the Left’s fault. For an explanation, let’s turn to Mark Krikorian, one of the remaining white nationalists at the #1 internet blog, National Review‘s The Corner. Read more on In Case It Wasn’t Clear, Michele Bachmann’s Dual Citizenship Is The Left’s Fault…
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Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Has Learned To Stop Sharing His Sex Stories

Young Master Ross Douthat, the New York Times op-ed page’s resident Catholic hobbit, has a new book out titled Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics, about how screwed we are because of… Jesus… ??… anyway, it is some book. It might even be his best book since the one he wrote about how he couldn’t get it up at Harvard and blamed this on his would-be sex partner. The post that your Wonkette wrote about this still haunts Douthat in interviews — just as it did three years ago, when greatest journalist of all time Brian Lamb (RIP Lamby!) asked him about it. What does he have to say for those of us who thought his gross story about not having boners and shaming ladies on the pill was kinda mean/funny/unnecessary? He agrees! Read more on Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Has Learned To Stop Sharing His Sex Stories…
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This Angry ‘Daily Caller’ Guy Will Fix Our Food Stamp Epidemic

Uh oh, some blowhard who’s written a book called The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Founding Fathers recently saw a lady using food stamps at the Wal-Mart — just like Ronald Reagan warned us they would! She was buying necessaries with her big government EBT card, and then using her own cash to buy beer and cigarettes. Was this fellow encountering the actual Satan, in the flesh? Fortunately he lived to tell about it, in an opinion column in the Daily Caller. What further steps should the government take to ensure poor people are humiliated as much as possible — if there’s anything? He’s got some ideas, oh he’s got ‘em. Read more on This Angry ‘Daily Caller’ Guy Will Fix Our Food Stamp Epidemic…
  america's greatest pundits

Mean Old Charles Krauthammer Hated The Berenstain Bears

Jan Berenstain, who co-authored the childrens’ book series The Berenstain Bears along with her late husbad, Stan, died last week. This is a tragedy to your Wonkette writer, who read and made bad political jokes about dozens of these little family bear books as a child. And your Wonkette writer is apparently the same age as the son of Washington Post torture scribe Charles Krauthammer, who opined about his experiences reading these books to his child back in 1989. “I hate the Berenstain Bears,” his violent screed against this all-American anthropomorphic bear family begins. Read more on Mean Old Charles Krauthammer Hated The Berenstain Bears…
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Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics

Are you confused about how last night’s Republican debate “will play” with the voters of Arizona and Michigan? Or what about politics in general: Are you confused about what politics is? Your Wonkette had no idea about any of these things — all these years we’ve just been liveblogging SportsCenter for each post — until we read the latest installment on BLITZER’S BLOG, in which Wolf Blitzer types nonsense about politics in the exact same hilarious voice he uses to deliver non-news and military propaganda on his daily CNN program. What does he have to say about politics today? Read more on Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics…
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Pulitzer Prize Columnist: Does Elena Kagan Not Meet ‘Ordinary-People Principle,’ By Being Terrible?

The Washington Post‘s Kathleen Parker, recently named the best commentator in all of American journalism by the Pulitzer Prize committee, has written some crap today about, let’s see, Elena Kagan, the arch-lesbian. Is Elena Kagan not ordinary enough to win confirmation to the nation’s highest legal authority? Why is she from New York and not a shithole like Georgia, where most people in America are from? What is Elena Kagan’s fucking problem and why did Barack Obama pick her, knowing that she wouldn’t pass the “ordinary-people principle” that he apparently invented and lives by? She probably lost her virginity to something other than a horse! OR IS SHE STILL A LOSER VIRGIN? Kathleen Parker considers at least some of these important issues, today. Read more on Pulitzer Prize Columnist: Does Elena Kagan Not Meet ‘Ordinary-People Principle,’ By Being Terrible?…
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Richard Cohen Wants Obama To ‘Go Crazy’ On The Country Iran

The World’s Worst Writer has a Battle Plan for Iran! “I have no idea whether Ahmadinejad merely acts crazy or is crazy. I do know, though, that Iran seems intent on getting nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them… It may be time for Barack Obama, ever the soul of moderation, to borrow a tactic from Richard Nixon and fight crazy with crazy. The way things are going, it would be crazy not to.” A+! (PSST DID RICHARD COHEN JUST SUGGEST WE SHOULD NUKE IRAN FIRST? ) [Washington Post] Read more on Richard Cohen Wants Obama To ‘Go Crazy’ On The Country Iran…
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LATEST SOCIOPATHIC WAR-LOVING DEATH MONSTER GETS WEEKLY WASHINGTON POST COLUMN: The only “big name” missing from today’s sunny Washington Post op-ed roster, regrettably, was occasional contributor Marc Thiessen, a former Bush speechwriter (just like Gerson, hey-o!) who absolutely loves torturing minorities, calling the president a traitor, and composing one of the most demented paragraphs your editor has ever read in a major city newspaper. Well here we go: this afternoon, the Post offered him an official weekly column, and he accepted. CHA-CHING! It’ll be steaks tonight, boys! [The Corner] Read more on …
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IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times] Read more on …
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Richard Cohen Simply Does Not Care For Affirmative Action

America’s worst writer, Richard Cohen, strings together the saddest tale of all today in his important Washington Post newspaper column. Overarching topic: the Supreme Court. Pertinent issue: Affirmative Action. Protagonist: hard-working white firefighter. Antagonist: Negro race. “Punished” victim: all white people. Unimportant litmus tests: abortions, “unions.” Only important litmus test: getting hard-working white firefighter’s job back from Negroes. Person whose fault all of this is: Barack Obama. “Supremely irrelevant” factor in American society: race. Bittersweet music to play in background: “Colour My World.” Policy that Richard Cohen does not understand: Affirmative Action. [Washington Post] Read more on Richard Cohen Simply Does Not Care For Affirmative Action…
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David Brooks Writes Terrifying History Of Obama’s America

Watch out, America, because David Brooks has written another one of his famous “theme” columns, in which he takes on a gimmick — like pretending to be Kierkegaard, or a doctor researching some new Obama disease, or a cartoon Asian Buddhist Negro being attacked by the Internet — and proceeds to embarrass himself for hundreds of words. Today he pretends to be a historian, or maybe just a Wikipedia writer, composing a brief summary of how during the Obama years, the majority party took a so-so economy, ran up the budget and made so many bad decisions that the American people started distrusting the government and other institutions of power completely. Just to repeat, he says this is what the future will look like. Read more on David Brooks Writes Terrifying History Of Obama’s America…
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BONO’S SOLILOQUY: Bono’s first NYT column. First. Kill the limeys. Now we’re in my house, Dublin. MURDER. Miles Davis. I knew Frank Sinatra, modernista, Palm Spring. Painting colors Vinegar. The year changes another year — calendars. If. Also. Also. Shhh. I knew Frank Sinatra and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. (9/11 reagan beer cunt.) [NYT] Read more on …
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David Brooks Calls Sarah Palin An Awful Disease That Kills People

David Brooks is an actual MAD MAN! This is what he wrote last Friday in his farty little column: “Palin held up her end of an energetic debate that gave voters a direct look at two competing philosophies. She established debating parity with Joe Biden. And in a country that is furious with Washington, she presented herself as a radical alternative.” So in love! But now he’s 180ed again after realizing that the “radical alternative” she presented herself as was just a filthy malignant tumor — he called her “cancer,” ha ha ha, WHAT? Read more on David Brooks Calls Sarah Palin An Awful Disease That Kills People…