Tag Archives: protests

  Top Cops

A Snark-Free Welcome to Captain Ron Johnson, New King of Ferguson

Greetings, Captain Ron Johnson of the Missouri State Highway Patrol. Photo: Jamil Smith via Twitter It’s not true what they say. Liberals, even liberals from the big city, don’t hate everyone in law enforcement. Speaking on behalf of the liberal media cabal, we’re behind you, Ron Johnson, in the dicey assignment you’ve just been handed as the new top cop in Ferguson. You seem like a good choice. We don’t blame you for the almost comical overreaction of the police over the past several days of protests, since you were not in charge. You are as innocent as a newborn baby to us because like pretty much everyone in America we have no reason to have heard of you. Read more on A Snark-Free Welcome to Captain Ron Johnson, New King of Ferguson…
  Be More Afraid Please

Evil Stupid Dick Explains Why Michael Brown Deserved To Die

He's a GANGSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, everybody, just stop feeling bad about the police in Ferguson, Missouri, shooting unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown dead while he had his hands up — Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man On the Internet, wants you all to know that it’s no big loss, since Michael Brown was a 100% certified GANGSTER who HAD A GUN (maybe, in a Facebook photo of a completely different person — give him time, and Hoft will probably start hinting that Brown had a gun when he was shot, too). While the photo above has been in circulation since shortly after Brown was shot, Our Stupid Hero appears to be the first to jump from “photographed gesturing like a rap gangster” to “was a GANGSTER.” Hoft has since backed off that original headline, of which Chris Johnson at Little Green Footballs wisely archived a copy at Webcitation in case Hoft “tries to edit it without admitting it.” Which Hoft did, of course. Read more on Evil Stupid Dick Explains Why Michael Brown Deserved To Die…
  dangers in the night

Ferguson PD Embraces Equality by Arresting Reporters of All Races

bright lights
On Wednesday night, the police in Ferguson, Missouri, wanted everyone to clear out of the local McDonald’s, which had turned into a makeshift media center with reporters charging their phones and using the wifi to file stories about the protests only a few blocks away. When officers ordered all the patrons to leave, Washington Post reporter Wesley Lowery made two fateful missteps: he did not snap to and flee immediately and furthermore would not stop running his pesky camera. Read more on Ferguson PD Embraces Equality by Arresting Reporters of All Races…
  The Weird World Is Watching

Ghost Breitbart Non-Racistly Observes That The Blacks Just Love Looting & Rioting

This one's bad enough that we need to bring in the puppy gifs
So, hey, you might call it kind of racist if a writer were to start off a column by saying something like this, mightn’t you: Black America’s favorite past time is back on full display in Ferguson, MO, as looting and rioting breaks out after the fatal shooting death of an unarmed 18-year old by Ferguson law enforcement. Well, you would in fact be wrong, because that sentence was written by Sonnie Johnson, an actual black woman, at Dead Breitbart’s Center For Decrying Black Hatred Of Whites, so there is not the least bit of pandering to stereotypes at all there, just a clear-eyed assessment of The Blacks’ basic inability to be civilized. As Charles Johnson at Little Green Footballs points out, Sonnie Johnson’s readers take it as a license to run with anything short of That One Word, because once a black person condemns what those blacks do, then it’s open season — the top-rated comment on the piece is “The pack animals sure do love to loot, just like Obama loves to loot our tax dollars,” which is followed by supportive sentiments like “And people wonder why there are ghettos…” and “Those ‘Ghettos’ used to be good neighborhoods until guess who moved in.” And not a word of it is racist, because the article was written by a black lady, or aren’t you paying attention? Read more on Ghost Breitbart Non-Racistly Observes That The Blacks Just Love Looting & Rioting…
  those who thirst for justice

Detroit’s Spending $5.6 Million To Shut Off Residents’ Water. What Else Could They Spend That On?

Water Rites are another matter altogether
So you’re in Detroit, and you are poor. You probably forgot to pay your water bill for … oh, let’s say “forever” because of how you have no things like “money.” (Kind of like how the city doesn’t have any “money” for piddling little things like “street lights” and “police response.” Then you are probably interested in this story about demonstrators protesting in front of the company that’s been contracted to carry out the shutoffs — at a cost of $5.6 million. That amount of money seems rather large — yes, compared to the $89 million in total unpaid bills, it’s a…. oh, what’s that common term for “a tiny amount in comparison to some much larger amount,” anyway? But the unpaid bills are just revenue the City is missing out on — the shut-offs are an actual expense that the city is paying out. To leave people without water. In the summer. While the United Nations calls the shutoffs a human rights violation and Canadians bring bottled water over the border for Detroit. Read more on Detroit’s Spending $5.6 Million To Shut Off Residents’ Water. What Else Could They Spend That On?…
  this time they're super serious you guys

One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper

Oh my God, you guys, get ready to pack up your sex toys and hobo beans and flee to the Mexican refugee camps, because Real America™ has had ENOUGH with this Marxo-Islamunist bull hockey in Washington, and is coming for your SOULLSSSS. Girt in the armor of righteousness, but not carrying the AR-15 of the Lord, an estimated* 10 to 30 million nonviolent supporters of Bible-based Constitutional government plan to descend on the nation’s capital on May 16, and hang around until Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the worst RINOs in Congress quit out of embarrassment. Then, as called for in organizer Harry Riley’s understanding of the Constitution, a new President and congressional leadership will Take America Back to, we dunno, 2008? Some time when the president didn’t go around ordering the IRS to hire New Black Panthers to kill our ambassadors at the behest of Vladimir Putin, whenever that was. Read more on One Billion Militia Patriots To March On Washington, End Reign Of Kenyan Usurper…
  hell is other countries

Conscience Demands We Address Events In Venezuela And Ukraine, Then Back To Zany American Bigots

It feels wrong to just go about our usual business of making dick jokes about politics without acknowledging that the governments of Venezuela and Ukraine are murdering peaceful protesters by the dozens. We won’t pretend to have any special insight into either conflict. Maybe an appropriate thing to do is to be self-absorbed Americans and be thankful for real civilian control of the military, low levels of official corruption, relatively free and fair elections, and respect for institutions, all of which have helped prevent such tragedies from unfolding here since the early 1970s, and we can also try and be hopeful that the puzzle of sustained domestic tranquility is always solvable in the long run. And it looks like we’ve got a couple hundred words left before we’ve earned our six pack, so let’s try and anticipate every possible stupid pundit’s take on Venezuela and Ukraine, assuming any of them ever notice.  Read more on Conscience Demands We Address Events In Venezuela And Ukraine, Then Back To Zany American Bigots…
  make me a sammamish

Seattle Nice Time: Catholic Students Protest Firing Of Vice Principal For Same-Sex Marriage While They Still Believe In Something

Well this is nice, indeed. We weren’t surprised at all when we heard that yet another Catholic school had pressured a faculty member to resign after finding out he’d gotten married to his same-sex partner. But in the Seattle suburb of Sammamish, when students at Eastside Catholic High School learned that Vice Principal Mark Zmuda had been given the choice this week of resigning or being fired for marrying Dana Jergens earlier this year, virtually the entire student body and several faculty members walked out of the school and took to the street Thursday in front of the school to protest the decision. Students at other Seattle-area Catholic schools staged protests as well. Told that the decision was made by the Archdiocese of Seattle, not the school, the kids said that they would move the protests there, and would petition the Archbishop to let Zmuda return. Sure, that’s not going to happen, but the kids are getting a fine lesson in speaking out against injustice — and where injustice can come from  — not to mention getting a practical lesson in how the hierarchy works (another lesson for the kids: U.S. America is a democracy* and the Church is not). This really is an important milestone on their journey toward becoming cafeteria Catholics. Read more on Seattle Nice Time: Catholic Students Protest Firing Of Vice Principal For Same-Sex Marriage While They Still Believe In Something…
  ass gas or astroturf

Wingnut Truckers Will ‘Shut Down America’ In Order To Save It From Corruption, Obama’s ‘Fuel Policy’ (?)

Dust off the Truck Nutz and grab your favorite lot lizard, because there’s a new bunch of kooks out to save us against our wills: Truckers To Shut Down America! That’s a link to their Facebook page, and it is fabulously dumb! The plan goes like this: 1) Don’t work or buy anything for three days, October 11th through 13th. 2) ????? 3) FREEDOM! Also you can “Ride For the Constitution,” which means you will drive your big truck to Washington, D.C. and get in everyone’s fucking way, and it will save the Constitution. From the corruption. And gas prices! They are high, you know! It must be due to Obama’s, uh, fuel policy: Read more on Wingnut Truckers Will ‘Shut Down America’ In Order To Save It From Corruption, Obama’s ‘Fuel Policy’ (?)…
  where's the dang fence?

Arizona Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For John McCain’s Sex Affair With All The Mexicans

Oh John McCain, who you pissing off now? Fresh off his failed attempt to either make the Muslim Brotherhood gay marry Egypt or else get the fuck bombed out of them, the failed presidential candidate, naval pilot, and possible Hillary ’16 supporter, Senator John McCain, has decided to shut up for a second about those foreign browns to re-focus on some closer to home. And now he is failing big time with bigots in Arizona, by holding another one of his closed town hall meetings today with the aptly surnamed other Republican Senator from Arizona, Jeff Flake. The two apparently wanted to have a “Conversation on Immigration” without being screamed at by tea-baggers about illegal immigrants who are “illiterate invaders who want free government benefits” and instead said they’d let them watch it on their computers and maybe answer their tweets if they feel like it. (They will not feel like it.) Read more on Arizona Wingnuts Simply Do Not Care For John McCain’s Sex Affair With All The Mexicans…
  surprise surprise surprise

Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault

So remember last year when Michigan’s Nerd-Governor Rick Snyder passed Right-To-Work like a ninja without so much as a committee hearing or an acknowledgment that Right to Work was something he wanted to do? Yeah, that was fun. And remember how all those union thugs — teachers, nurses, autoworkers, society’s dregs mostly — protested this stunning public policy shift because they mistakenly believed citizens should protest government actions with which they disagree? Heh. Isn’t that just like those filthy “wage earners” who refuse to understand that working for pay is socialist, which is why the U.S. tax code rightly penalizes people for trading their labor for pay instead of just living off investment income like real American heroes? Remember how, back then, we thought there was one man brave enough to stand up to the Saul Alinksy tactics of this unhinged union thug mob? We speak of Fox News’ brave observational rape comedian/disappointed “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” viewer Steve Crowder. At those protests last December, a so-called “worker” punched Crowder for no other reason than he didn’t like Crowder’s defense of the right to legislate against workers’ bargaining power. Read more on Shocker: Fox News Rape Jokester Steve Crowder Wasn’t Victim Of Legitimate Union Thug Assault…
  that'll show 'em

New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice. Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence and the blessings of liberty anymore so much as fretting about how Congress can’t seem to figure out to trim the deficit without screwing over vital government services. Or mildly inconveniencing the military-industrial complex and wealthy Americans, who are currently subject to historically low taxation. Mainly, Congress doesn’t want to do bother the defense contractors and rich people. It’s a well-established fact that men’s (and women’s) souls were made of stronger stuff back in 1776. “The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in the crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it NOW, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman,” Paine continued. Who will be the winter warrior to lead America out of this (wholly manufactured) crisis of “sequestration”? Well, Wonketteers, look no further. We’ve found such a person to save our republic from absurd Inside The Beltway groupthink, a man that even Bonnie Tyler would call a hero. His name is Bruce Fries, of the Washington DC Fries, and he is strong, and he is fast, and he is fresh from the fight. Tomorrow, Fries will stand up to the politicians by bravely driving around with his hazard lights flashing! According to his press release, he wants you to join him in this heroic and in no way ineffectual effort to influence our elected leaders. Read more on New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration…
  quiet riots

Angela Merkel Enjoys Traditional Greek Hospitality, Rage

Every crew of friends has its successful members and its fuck-ups. The latter can often be found on the former’s lovely Teutonic couch, sleeping off a long night of getting wasted on ouzo and freak-dancing to the music of Yanni. This is sort of exactly what is happening right now between Germany and Greece, two hardcore straight-up G’s who couldn’t be more different in their approach to fiscal responsibility. While Germany was once upon a time the meanest bitch in high school, she has matured into a lovely young woman who really has her head on straight. Unfortunately, Greece, which showed such amazing promise in nursery school, has degenerated into a hot mess, the kind of gal who stumbles into work two hours late wearing a spanakopita-stained outfit from the day before. Germany is all, “Yeah, you can crash with me, but you’re gonna have to help out around the house and be in by 10 each night” and Greece is all, “You don’t fuckin’ OWN ME! You think you’re better?” and Germany is like, “Noooo…I just, um…I think it’s time someone created some boundaries for you?” All this is just to say that Angie Merkel is in Greece, and the Greeks are not psyched. Read more on Angela Merkel Enjoys Traditional Greek Hospitality, Rage…
  the airing of the grievances

Protesting Now Illegal, Basically

Look at what the freedom-hating Chinese government has done! They’ve gone and passed a law saying that it is illegal to enter a “restricted” area even if you didn’t know that the space was restricted, and also made it illegal to protest in said “restricted” area or do anything that could be “disruptive,” like booing. Except just kidding, it wasn’t passed in China; it was passed in the United States, and it also makes protest punishable by up to ten years if it’s carried out anywhere that the Secret Service is or will be temporarily visiting. Read more on Protesting Now Illegal, Basically…
  journamalism

George Clooney Arrest Thoroughly Befuddles CNN Anchor (VIDEO)

And now we will interrupt your Friday with this killer lead-in from CNN: “We got something weird happening in Washington, D.C.” News you can use! What is it, confused CNN anchor? “George Clooney is standing in the middle of a group of people.” Woah, that is, like, so weird! GO ON? Let’s see, the police appear to be arresting some people, yeah? “I don’t know if it was because of George Clooney or they’re on private property or if, you know, it’s a security risk or they were protesting too much.” Hm. Let’s go with, “because of George Clooney.” The Descendants was kind of annoying, right? What else can you tell us, CNN? “This must be an embassy. Do we know what this building is? We don’t know what this building is, but I would suspect they were protesting in front of some embassy dealing with Sudan.” Can the chyron that has been sitting on the bottom of the video this whole time confirm this guess? Read more on George Clooney Arrest Thoroughly Befuddles CNN Anchor (VIDEO)…
  jackpot

Obama Hugs Black Guy

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com This is essentially the top TV clip of the last five years. You’re gonna wanna bookmark it so that one day years down the road, you might tell your fat post-apocalyptic alien grandkids about how the Ghost of Breitbart era of terror began. It allllll started right here, with this powerful segment on Fox News’ popular bacterium Hannity, exposing Barack Obama’s worst (or second-worst?) secret : One time in 1991, when Obama was serving as the first black president of the Harvard Law Review, he spoke affably of the first black tenured Harvard Law professor, Derrick Bell, while he was peacefully protesting the lack of diversity on Harvard’s faculty. And then Obama hugged him. He might as well have given Sauron a reach-around. Read more on Obama Hugs Black Guy…
  cowards

Scary Protesters Chase G8 Summit From Chicago To Camp David

Hippies, or should we say “people affected and insulted by the total lack of accountability in the global economic system following its collapse a few years ago,” were all excited about the upcoming G8 Summit of first-world leaders set to take place in Chicago this May. What a great opportunity to yell at terrible people, right? Well now our dear leader, President Obama, has moved the summit to his mountain ranch at Camp David, Maryland, where hippies will be kept miles away and murdered on the Antietam battlefield. Read more on Scary Protesters Chase G8 Summit From Chicago To Camp David…
  there's about to be a rush on baby carrots

Wingnuts Protest in D.C. For Right To Feed Healthy Food To Kids, What?

First the lunch Nazis came in their moon buggies to force healthier school meals on children with a tyrannical attempt to redefine pizza sauce as “not a vegetable.” They lost! So now the lunch Nazis are back again to wage a devious new battle that is confusingly the total opposite of the previous one: They are stealing healthy homemade lunches from children and forcing them to eat the poisonous sawdust shavings the agricultural industry repackages to dump in school cafeterias! According to recent shrieking noises from the right-wing blog section of the Internet, a government agent stormed into a North Carolina school cafeteria, stole a preschooler’s turkey sandwich and her apple and then forced the preschooler to go stand in the Soviet cafeteria line and cry high-sodium tears while she was given a new tray piled with deep-fried chicken toenails. Thus a group of confused wingnuts gathered for a “lunch-in” today in D.C.’s Freedom Plaza to eat low-calorie sandwiches and fruit, to protest the government. Has Michelle Obama’s campaign to fight childhood obesity been going about it the wrong way this whole time? Read more on Wingnuts Protest in D.C. For Right To Feed Healthy Food To Kids, What?…
  cpacalypse

The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!

Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom of the photo, see him? He was bickering back and forth with some business-attired dildos across the driveway, about whether we should “like” the One Percent. No consensus was reached. Read more on The Ocupados Have Arrived At CPAC!…
  cpacalypse

Ocupados To Terrorize CPAC To Its Bitter Core

The DC-area Occupy people, having been kicked out of their park this weekend, have a fun new thing in the works: Occupying CPAC. It’s just around the corner, so why not? According to the Occupiers’ website, they will “march to the Marriott” to “create as much non-violent resistance as possible, and make this a conference the attendees will never forget.” So they want pictures with Sarah Palin, got it. But what if this non-violent resistance descends into a bit of the ol’ Ultraviolence? That’s what’s going to happen, according to a hysterical pants-wetting Heritage Foundation blog post. Read more on Ocupados To Terrorize CPAC To Its Bitter Core…
  establishment marketing techniques

Occupy Wall Street’s Scripted SOTU Response ‘Embargoed’ By PR Company

The dull evidence of a typical hack political campaign is the “embargoed” speech or statement sent out many hours before the event it is supposed to address. And now we’ve got this email from a big P.R. firm claiming that the Occupy Wall Street response to Obama’s State of the Union speech is contained within this mass-mailed marketing material. That whole “mic check” thing was getting a bit stale even before it was written into a press release and sent to the nation’s political media with the dumb demand that it be kept from the common people’s eyes until after Barack Obama read his prepared comments. Read more on Occupy Wall Street’s Scripted SOTU Response ‘Embargoed’ By PR Company…
  #winning

Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone

Here’s a little good news to cheer up your Wednesday: Today’s anti-censorship protest across the Internet has already forced Republican senators Marco Rubio and John Cornyn to drop their support of the SOPA bill. Already! Rubio and Cornyn weren’t just supporters, though — Rubio co-sponsored the legislation that would allow the U.S. government to shut down almost any website for almost any reason, and Cornyn heads the GOP’s Senate campaign group. Read more on Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone…