Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily. Our Prime Derp this week is actually not so much the […]

Here’s another story about sex workers who are happy to get insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Combine that with wingnut Noel Sheppard’s freakout over san Francisco hookers signing up for the ACA, and it is now officially a Trend. of course, in this case, the women signing up are legally employed at a Nevada […]

Like a middle-aged man in the grip of a Viagra-fueled sex spree, this whole “Did New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez (D-Sexytimes) Sex Up Some Underage Hookers In The Dominican Republic” story just keeps on keepin’ on! Just to recap: not long before the November election, chipmunk-faced ace reporter Matthew Boyle broke the shocking news that […]

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez, repeat after us: Pay your hookers. Pay your hookers. PAY YOUR GODDAMN HOOKERS. Maybe you thought $100 was enough for working gals in the Dominican Republic. If that is so, you should have told them that UP FRONT instead of agreeing to $500 and then only forking over a lousy […]

How many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure […]

Dumb California hippies are at it again, trying to nationalize your muneez from your hardworking hands and use it for cosmetic surgery for lowlifes! First they took all the tax dollars in the world and gave it to (former) gang members, just so (former) gang members could their gang tattoos removed and get jerbs. And […]

Well now we are getting to the bottom of this! When the Secret Service was sexing all those ladies in Cartagena, was that an isolated incident? NO IT WAS NOT! And how do we know this? Because Defense Secretary Leon Panetta “admitted” that last year three US Marines hired a sex worker in Brazil! Now, […]

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if […]

A heated exchange between a prostitute and a Secret Service agent has led to an embarrassing situation for President Obama to deal with. It turns out eleven U.S. Secret Service agents and five military service members are under investigation and facing possible reprimand for allegedly cavorting with prostitutes and drinking excessively at a Colombian hotel […]

“Wheels up, rings off,” amirite Secret Service? Maybe! Everything we know about this sexxxy new scandal we learned from Twitter! What else does Twitter have to tell us about the #SecretService getting bom dia-ed in Colombia? * Pay your prostitute DUMBASS. * They had a Groupon. * 10 Recommendations For a quicker and much easier […]

Having spent four (12? 40?) days wheezing into his herpes-flecked microphone about hot nubile coeds and the sextapes they should make for him, poor martyred modern-day Mario Savio Rush Limbaugh finally caught a break when loathsome hooker website “” decided they could use some more publicity, and announced their hopes to advertise.

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to […]

Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. […]

Have you explored the strange world of men with too much money writing about their escort experiences on the Internet? GOOD, don’t … unless you want to learn what lingo like this might mean: “More then one man can handle alone. PSE is my thing. Keep that gfe shit!” Yeah, who wants that second thing? […]

Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. (This is the first False Fact you learn in social studies class; “Hunting” was actually the first profession, followed a few hours later by “Hungry Rentboy.”) But in these troubling times, basically every single prostitute is a total blabbermouth who will sell his/her story to the tabloid reptile-people. And […]