Tag Archives: prostitutes

  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
  dear john

Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

Remember when the Secret Service couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama’s fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about on yr Wonkette. Well, the Department of Homeland Security investigated all those happy endings, and you will never guess what happened to the dude who was doing the investigation, just kidding, of course you will: Read more on Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness…
  o brothel where art thou

So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare

Here’s another story about sex workers who are happy to get insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Combine that with wingnut Noel Sheppard’s freakout over san Francisco hookers signing up for the ACA, and it is now officially a Trend. of course, in this case, the women signing up are legally employed at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, so at least there’s none of that “criminal” stigma, right? Aha, well, not so much; The Blaze simply says “It’s come to this” and shakes its head sadly. So get ready for HookerCare to become a wingnut meme. Read more on So Far, Only Hookers Seem To Like Obamacare…
  which ones are the prostitutes again?

AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All

Like a middle-aged man in the grip of a Viagra-fueled sex spree, this whole “Did New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez (D-Sexytimes) Sex Up Some Underage Hookers In The Dominican Republic” story just keeps on keepin’ on! Just to recap: not long before the November election, chipmunk-faced ace reporter Matthew Boyle broke the shocking news that an unmarried man might have stiffed a couple of hookers, and also underpaid them, while he was on some sort of sex-crazed sexanalia in the DR, where prostitution happens to be legal. Of course, this is New Jersey, which already has its share of embarrassing citizens, so everyone there was all “Meh” and “Go Big Blue” and “Nice state we got here, be a shame if anything…HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SEND HELP!” But much like herpes, Boyle would not go away. Read more on AP Scoop: Dominican Republic Hookers in Menendez Story Were Not Trustworthy After All…
  blowvember

NJ Sen. Bob Menendez Proves Old Truism: Dude, Pay Your Hookers

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez, repeat after us: Pay your hookers. Pay your hookers. PAY YOUR GODDAMN HOOKERS. Maybe you thought $100 was enough for working gals in the Dominican Republic. If that is so, you should have told them that UP FRONT instead of agreeing to $500 and then only forking over a lousy Benjie. (The possibility that the “intermediary” who paid the women kept the difference is not aired in Tucker Carlson’s D&C. We will bring up that possibility now. Because obviously, the moral question here is not whether the 58-year-old divorced Menendez availed himself of the erotic services of a couple of consenting adults making a living, but whether he PAID HIS GODDAMN HOOKERS.) Read more on NJ Sen. Bob Menendez Proves Old Truism: Dude, Pay Your Hookers…
  america's wang we love you

Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex

How many elected officials in the state of Florida have to be discovered on a list of clients at a brothel before Your Wonkette deigns to write about it? One? Two? Three? Oh, no, wait, we guess it’s only two. So, noted central Florida pimp Mark David Risner, what sort of politicians did you lure to the “sex room” in your house, for paid sex? A state representative and “rising GOP star,” plus a comically titled “vice mayor”? And they paid you $200 an hour, which last we checked the exchange rate was about two and a half whore diamonds? Nice work! Read more on Florida Politicians Sure Do Love Paying For Sex…
  wingnuts probably furious

Why Is California Trying To Make It Easier For Prostitutes To Break Away From Their Rightful Owners?

Dumb California hippies are at it again, trying to nationalize your muneez from your hardworking hands and use it for cosmetic surgery for lowlifes! First they took all the tax dollars in the world and gave it to (former) gang members, just so (former) gang members could their gang tattoos removed and get jerbs. And now they are trying to take your money to give to ho’s to remove their pimps’ names from their bodies from when they were child prostitutes! Have we no concern left for the pimps’ inalienable right to the pursuit of property? CONSTITUTION!!1! Ron Paul! END TEH FED! Read more on Why Is California Trying To Make It Easier For Prostitutes To Break Away From Their Rightful Owners?…
  loose lips sink ships also too

BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!

Well now we are getting to the bottom of this! When the Secret Service was sexing all those ladies in Cartagena, was that an isolated incident? NO IT WAS NOT! And how do we know this? Because Defense Secretary Leon Panetta “admitted” that last year three US Marines hired a sex worker in Brazil! Now, was there more to this ridiculous waste of pixels? Yes, there was more to this ridiculous waste of pixels: the Marines were busted down a rank after throwing her from their moving vehicle, and the US embassy paid her medical bills — which, after all, would be the gentlemanly thing to do. Read more on BREAKING! Secret Service Sexing Must Be Rampant Because Marines Bought A Hooker In Brazil!…
  grampa cornpants

Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys

Oh dear, Sen. Chuck Grassley snuck out the window again after lights-out, and now he’s leading inquiries into the Secret Service sex scandal. Whatcha got so far, inspector? “Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) said the Colombia prostitutes at the center of the Secret Service scandal may have been spies planted by the Russian government.” And if they were… well, Chuck’s gonna give those ladies what for, he is. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Got This Whole Secret Service Problem Covered, You Guys…
  Republicans Poking Around Again

Friendly Republicans Offer To Help Obama Out By Looking Into This Whole Hooker Thing For Him

A heated exchange between a prostitute and a Secret Service agent has led to an embarrassing situation for President Obama to deal with. It turns out eleven U.S. Secret Service agents and five military service members are under investigation and facing possible reprimand for allegedly cavorting with prostitutes and drinking excessively at a Colombian hotel ahead of President Obama’s visit to Colombia to explain that no he will never ever ever ever decriminalize drugs. If the investigation turns out to hold merit — and it is probably going to turn out to hold lots of merit, among other things it is holding — Obama is going to be pissed. “If it turns out some of the allegations that have been made in the press are confirmed, then, of course, I’ll be angry,” he said, doing that thing where he tries and fails to do an impression of “angry.” He doesn’t need to get “angry.” He has people for that. Read more on Friendly Republicans Offer To Help Obama Out By Looking Into This Whole Hooker Thing For Him…
  secret serviced

Barack Obama Finally Gets A Sex Scandal

“Wheels up, rings off,” amirite Secret Service? Maybe! Everything we know about this sexxxy new scandal we learned from Twitter! What else does Twitter have to tell us about the #SecretService getting bom dia-ed in Colombia? * Pay your prostitute DUMBASS. * They had a Groupon. * 10 Recommendations For a quicker and much easier Purchase When Selling Your House * Obama is probably using hookers too because MOOCHELLE. Read more on Barack Obama Finally Gets A Sex Scandal…
  eyebleach

Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer

Having spent four (12? 40?) days wheezing into his herpes-flecked microphone about hot nubile coeds and the sextapes they should make for him, poor martyred modern-day Mario Savio Rush Limbaugh finally caught a break when loathsome hooker website “SeekingArrangement.com” decided they could use some more publicity, and announced their hopes to advertise. Read more on Free Speech Martyr Rush Limbaugh Gets Hooker Website Ad Offer…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  south park characters

Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old

Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says. Sure. And then there’s stuff like this, of course: “We never had sex sex… I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That’s it.” Oh, and: “I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual.” Read more on Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old…
  republicans in the news

Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?

Have you explored the strange world of men with too much money writing about their escort experiences on the Internet? GOOD, don’t … unless you want to learn what lingo like this might mean: “More then one man can handle alone. PSE is my thing. Keep that gfe shit!” Yeah, who wants that second thing? Also, which high-priced hooker acronym means “Senator David Vitter is here again and he wants to poop in diapers, and have a call girl watch, for some reason”? Because that’s the only deviant fecal act relevant to Louisiana’s senate campaign. Let’s meet the young lady one Louisiana politics blog says is Vitter’s new favorite prostitute. Read more on Does Diaperman David Vitter Have a New Favorite Hooker?…
  prostitute nostalgia

Important People Upset By Lack Of Quiet Hookers

Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. (This is the first False Fact you learn in social studies class; “Hunting” was actually the first profession, followed a few hours later by “Hungry Rentboy.”) But in these troubling times, basically every single prostitute is a total blabbermouth who will sell his/her story to the tabloid reptile-people. And by “his/her story” we mean “that time you paid a prostitute to violently sodomize your anus with a frozen poopsicle.” [RILEY JESUS C’MON — Ed.] Prostitution comes from the Latin word meaning “to send pictures of your boobs to Tiger Woods, using your cellphone camera, and then not telling anyone about it, not ever.” Sadly, prostitution has strayed from its noble Latin roots, and this makes important people who have ugly spouses very nervous. Read more on Important People Upset By Lack Of Quiet Hookers…
  western decadence is a pretty lady!

Attractive French Lady Carla Bruni a Sworn Enemy Of the Islamic Republic

What is with you people and your tireless hatred of Iran, which happens to be a Republic just like your beloved “United States”? First it was Paul the Magical German Octopus, with his saber rattling and erotic fantasies of Israel firebombing the dickens out of Tehran. Then John Bolton emerged from his octopus tank to predict the outcomes of various European “football” matches, which was very offensive to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for reasons which are all too clear. And now French First Lady Carla Bruni has written a letter criticizing Iran’s tentative plan to throw stones at a woman until she dies. Well fine. From now on every Iranian newspaper in the entire world will refer to Carla Bruni as “that French prostitute.” Carla Bruni is a prostitute, nanny nanny boo-boo! Read more on Attractive French Lady Carla Bruni a Sworn Enemy Of the Islamic Republic…
  republicans in the news

Anti-Gay Wingnut Only Hired Gay Prostitute For Handjobs!

Family Research Council wingnut anti-homosexual crusader George Rekers only took that Rentboy.com male sex escort with him on a European Vacation to have some help carrying the luggage — even though the boy-toy just stood there while Rekers actually pushed the luggage cart. Besides, he always hires gay hookers to “lovingly share two types of messages to them, as I did with the young man called ‘Lucien’ in the news story.” Read more on Anti-Gay Wingnut Only Hired Gay Prostitute For Handjobs!…
  double-entry bookkeeping

Blackwater Allegedly Kept Hooker On Payroll

Once upon a time there was a cabal of psychotic rapey naked jackasses who liked to “gallivant around nearly nude” in Afghanistan and Iraq when they weren’t busy scaring the shit out of local residents and occasionally murdering them. This cabal was called “Blackwater,” and it was quite a scandal, all the rapey psychotic murderous things they did! But then they changed their name to “Xe” and magically overnight all their problems went away. Alas, now some former Blackwater employee is stirring the pot again by saying that the company billed the US government for the use of one (1) hooker in Kabul, which was unethical. Read more on Blackwater Allegedly Kept Hooker On Payroll…
  revenge of diaperman

David Vitter Now Pooping In Ladies’ Underwear

Louisiana sex creep David “Diaperman” Vitter is known for one thing, and one thing only: Hiring hookers and then making those hookers put adult diapers on him, so he can poop in the diapers, for sex kicks. He has been caught employing prostitutes at least twice, in New Orleans and in Washington DC — his number found in the client phone records of the since-suicided “DC Madam,” in the latter case. He is a gross scumbag and a human joke, and guess where serious Congressional Journalistic Institution Roll Call found him fondling ladies’ lingerie and looking “a bit lost,” because he was about to spurt/poop? Read more on David Vitter Now Pooping In Ladies’ Underwear…