Tag Archives: prison

  Now It's Time To Go To Jail

Barack Obama Goes To Prison. Sorry, Wingnuts, He’s Just Visiting

You mean empathy isn't a dirty word? Even for *lawbreakers*?
Barack Obama made a bit of history Thursday, becoming the first sitting president to visit a federal prison. This follows a pretty impressive speech to the NAACP Wednesday, in which he said some things that, for a Democrat in earlier decades, would have prompted months of conservatives howling about the president being “soft on crime” — and other Democrats attempting damage control by sponsoring Get Tuff legislation. Read more on Barack Obama Goes To Prison. Sorry, Wingnuts, He’s Just Visiting…
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ah, damnit, OK, you caught me, yeah I did that, I am guilty. But I will not resign from Congress, and you can’t make me!” Read more on Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming…
  Repeat Offender

Mean Judge Makes Felon Dinesh D’Souza Clean All The Freeways With Lindsay Lohan

OG
Felonious crimer thug Dinesh D’Souza has been out of the pokey for all of a month, and he’s already in trouble again. On Monday, federal judge Richard Berman (we love him) explained to D’Souza’s dumb ass and his dumbass attorney that D’Souza is not done paying his debt to society for his law-breaking. Not even close: Read more on Mean Judge Makes Felon Dinesh D’Souza Clean All The Freeways With Lindsay Lohan…
  Jail's not out for summer

Mean Judge Won’t Let Felon Dinesh D’Souza Have Summer Vacay From Prison, UNFAIR!

Prison life is rough
Dinesh D’Souza — felon, adulterer, racist, and so of course, also conservative hero — is being SILENCED! and OPPRESSED! once more. Not by President Ghetto this time, at least not directly, but by judicial activist Richard Berman: Read more on Mean Judge Won’t Let Felon Dinesh D’Souza Have Summer Vacay From Prison, UNFAIR!…
  Florida Man's really done it this time

Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!

If this is a crime, then we're guilty!
Welcome to sunny Florida, NO FUCKING ALLOWED, at least not on the beach. Seems Florida Man has gone and gotten himself into trouble again, and he may do 15 years in the slammer, because he was so overcome by the romance of the waves and the long walks on the beach — you know, OKCupid stuff — that he popped wood and simply had to sex up his lady-friend right then and there. Meet Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, convicted beach-boners, who are both off to jail, and who will now have to sign up for that sex offender newsletter everybody keeps talking about: Read more on Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!…
  Being this dumb is NOT a choice

Dr. Ben Carson Explains The Science Of Gay, And It Is Prison Sex

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Brain doctor and conservative heartthrob hero Ben Carson has some real neat ideas on The Gay and how that works (it is all explained by “prison sex”), and you have to take his word for it because he is an actual doctor and A Expert on science stuff. (And prison sex.) Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Explains The Science Of Gay, And It Is Prison Sex…
  An Act Of Face

Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect

America now officially over
Get ready for another round of whining about “creeping Sharia,” America. The Supreme Court has ruled that an Arkansas prisoner can grow a beard because he’s a Muslim. The justices said that inmate Gregory Holt could maintain a half-inch beard because Arkansas prison officials could not substantiate claims that the beard posed a security risk. Read more on Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect…
  not all cops

Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big

That's some fine police work, Lou.
In 2009, celebrated Santa Ana Police Detective Andy Alvarez was tasked to investigate a bloody attempted murder case, in which a man in a Jeep pulled up to three teenagers and opened fire on them. Alvarez had two leads. The first was that the shooter reportedly shouted “Delhi,” the name of a Santa Ana street gang, before opening fire. The second was that two of the victims positively identified another kid in the Jeep as Francisco Vega, a former classmate with whom they’d previously had trouble. The OC Weekly reports: Read more on Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big…
  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  The Hunger Gamer

Rightwing Norway Mass Killer Anders Breivik Thinks He Is Martin Luther King Jr., Apparently

Just to prove that someone can be both a sociopath and a whiner, Norwegian mass killer Anders Breivik is protesting the conditions he must endure in prison, so he has announced he will go on a hunger strike if his jailers don’t grant him certain fundamental human rights, like video games that don’t suck. In a letter sent to several press agencies, he outlined his demands, which he is willing to starve to get. He wants a sofa, a larger gym to work out in, and perhaps most crucially for his basic wellbeing, a better videogame console than the crappy old Playstation 2 he has to put up with now. It is not yet known whether Amnesty International will be including him in any updates on the plight of prisoners of conscience. Read more on Rightwing Norway Mass Killer Anders Breivik Thinks He Is Martin Luther King Jr., Apparently…
  puff puff pass go do not go directly to jail

Eric Holder: Let’s Blow This Joint

Tough On Crime has been a perennial favorite tagline for conservative politicians since Nixon, and 50 years of that shit has resulted in the US having the highest incarceration rate in the developed world. But now, in a tiny drop of sanity and rationality which is certain to bring out panicky screeching calls for his head, Eric Holder is actually going to make a speech suggesting we can roll back some of the worst of the stupid sentencing laws: Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. is set to announce Monday that low-level, nonviolent drug offenders with no ties to gangs or large-scale drug organizations will no longer be charged with offenses that impose severe mandatory sentences. Score one for the peace-loving, home grown pot smoker! Between Eric Holder, the Fair Sentencing Act and Sanjay Gupta, we may be on to something, people. Pot smokers, unite. You can do that AND stare at your hand at the same time, we are sure. And how come we are so good at putting drug offenders in jail but none of the really good investment bankers? Read more on Eric Holder: Let’s Blow This Joint…
  next: the tubal litigation

California Lady Prisoners Got A Great Deal On Unauthorized Sterilizations, Weren’t Even Pressured Too Much

Most people, when they’re being anesthetized for surgery, don’t get asked if maybe they’d like a little extra snip snip on their baby junk while they’re under. Most people aren’t Kimberly Jeffrey, who “says she was pressured by a doctor while sedated and strapped to a surgical table for a C-section in 2010, during a stint at Valley State,” a California prison. Pressured, that is, to get them tubes trussed! Oh hai miss criminal, as you are losing consciousness I would just like to obtain your consent to… still with us? Tubal ligation, what’s that, who knows, feels warm I see lights NO MORE BABIES FOR YOU! And America wept, like the child some prison doctor thinks Kimberly Jeffrey shouldn’t have, because… takers? We guess takers. Read more on California Lady Prisoners Got A Great Deal On Unauthorized Sterilizations, Weren’t Even Pressured Too Much…
  we will find a nice time post for you eventually we swear

A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!

Here is today’s quiz about capitalism: if y0u are in the prison-running business and you want to make a profit, do you: a) staff the prison with as few people as possible (to save money on wages) b) provide prisoners with plastic bags instead of toilets (to save money on expenses associated with water, plumbing, and whatnot) c) refuse to give prisoners prescribed medication (to save money on expenses associated with adequate medical care) d) lock mentally ill patients in solitary confinement instead of providing them with mental health care (to save money on expenses associated with adequate mental health care) e) all of the above. If you guessed “all of the above” you win the prize, you win the prize! Who would have guessed that the for-profit prison model articulates so well with depriving prisoners of humane conditions? A shocking twist indeed! From the Southern Poverty Law Center, which filed a federal lawsuit yesterday on behalf of prisoners at the East Mississippi Correctional Facility: [The prison is] a filthy, dangerous facility “operating in a perpetual state of crisis” where prisoners are at “grave risk of death and loss of limbs” and often resort to setting fires to receive medical attention. Read more on A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!…
  that is (sort of) racial transcendence

U.S. America Not Locking As Many Black Folk Into Prison Forever Hooray!

Nobody say anything, less’n we jinx it, but a new study shows that we might in fact no longer be locking up black people at a rate six times that of their white-people counterparts! USA! USA! Oh wait no, we read it wrong. Black men are still being incarcerated at a rate of 6.4 black guys to every 1 white dude. BUT! This is down almost a fifth over the past decade, when they had been imprisoned at a rate of almost 8 to 1! And black ladies are staying out of prison like a champ, while white chicks are making jail the hip new trend! Obviously, we blame Lindsay Lohan. Read more on U.S. America Not Locking As Many Black Folk Into Prison Forever Hooray!…
  department of tobascorrection

North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy

So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in North Carolina, where everything is usually so peaceful and just. A prison warden has been suspended while the state investigates accusations that guards forced inmates to, among other things, rub hot sauce on their private parts, just for giggles. Because hey, What good is being entrusted with the livelihoods of a few hundred caged convicts if you aren’t allowed to season their bumholes with burny liquids? Read more on North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy…