Tag Archives: prison

  An Act Of Face

Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect

America now officially over
Get ready for another round of whining about “creeping Sharia,” America. The Supreme Court has ruled that an Arkansas prisoner can grow a beard because he’s a Muslim. The justices said that inmate Gregory Holt could maintain a half-inch beard because Arkansas prison officials could not substantiate claims that the beard posed a security risk. Read more on Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect…
  not all cops

Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big

That's some fine police work, Lou.
In 2009, celebrated Santa Ana Police Detective Andy Alvarez was tasked to investigate a bloody attempted murder case, in which a man in a Jeep pulled up to three teenagers and opened fire on them. Alvarez had two leads. The first was that the shooter reportedly shouted “Delhi,” the name of a Santa Ana street gang, before opening fire. The second was that two of the victims positively identified another kid in the Jeep as Francisco Vega, a former classmate with whom they’d previously had trouble. The OC Weekly reports: Read more on Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big…
  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  The Hunger Gamer

Rightwing Norway Mass Killer Anders Breivik Thinks He Is Martin Luther King Jr., Apparently

Just to prove that someone can be both a sociopath and a whiner, Norwegian mass killer Anders Breivik is protesting the conditions he must endure in prison, so he has announced he will go on a hunger strike if his jailers don’t grant him certain fundamental human rights, like video games that don’t suck. In a letter sent to several press agencies, he outlined his demands, which he is willing to starve to get. He wants a sofa, a larger gym to work out in, and perhaps most crucially for his basic wellbeing, a better videogame console than the crappy old Playstation 2 he has to put up with now. It is not yet known whether Amnesty International will be including him in any updates on the plight of prisoners of conscience. Read more on Rightwing Norway Mass Killer Anders Breivik Thinks He Is Martin Luther King Jr., Apparently…
  puff puff pass go do not go directly to jail

Eric Holder: Let’s Blow This Joint

Tough On Crime has been a perennial favorite tagline for conservative politicians since Nixon, and 50 years of that shit has resulted in the US having the highest incarceration rate in the developed world. But now, in a tiny drop of sanity and rationality which is certain to bring out panicky screeching calls for his head, Eric Holder is actually going to make a speech suggesting we can roll back some of the worst of the stupid sentencing laws: Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. is set to announce Monday that low-level, nonviolent drug offenders with no ties to gangs or large-scale drug organizations will no longer be charged with offenses that impose severe mandatory sentences. Score one for the peace-loving, home grown pot smoker! Between Eric Holder, the Fair Sentencing Act and Sanjay Gupta, we may be on to something, people. Pot smokers, unite. You can do that AND stare at your hand at the same time, we are sure. And how come we are so good at putting drug offenders in jail but none of the really good investment bankers? Read more on Eric Holder: Let’s Blow This Joint…
  next: the tubal litigation

California Lady Prisoners Got A Great Deal On Unauthorized Sterilizations, Weren’t Even Pressured Too Much

Most people, when they’re being anesthetized for surgery, don’t get asked if maybe they’d like a little extra snip snip on their baby junk while they’re under. Most people aren’t Kimberly Jeffrey, who “says she was pressured by a doctor while sedated and strapped to a surgical table for a C-section in 2010, during a stint at Valley State,” a California prison. Pressured, that is, to get them tubes trussed! Oh hai miss criminal, as you are losing consciousness I would just like to obtain your consent to… still with us? Tubal ligation, what’s that, who knows, feels warm I see lights NO MORE BABIES FOR YOU! And America wept, like the child some prison doctor thinks Kimberly Jeffrey shouldn’t have, because… takers? We guess takers. Read more on California Lady Prisoners Got A Great Deal On Unauthorized Sterilizations, Weren’t Even Pressured Too Much…
  we will find a nice time post for you eventually we swear

A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!

Here is today’s quiz about capitalism: if y0u are in the prison-running business and you want to make a profit, do you: a) staff the prison with as few people as possible (to save money on wages) b) provide prisoners with plastic bags instead of toilets (to save money on expenses associated with water, plumbing, and whatnot) c) refuse to give prisoners prescribed medication (to save money on expenses associated with adequate medical care) d) lock mentally ill patients in solitary confinement instead of providing them with mental health care (to save money on expenses associated with adequate mental health care) e) all of the above. If you guessed “all of the above” you win the prize, you win the prize! Who would have guessed that the for-profit prison model articulates so well with depriving prisoners of humane conditions? A shocking twist indeed! From the Southern Poverty Law Center, which filed a federal lawsuit yesterday on behalf of prisoners at the East Mississippi Correctional Facility: [The prison is] a filthy, dangerous facility “operating in a perpetual state of crisis” where prisoners are at “grave risk of death and loss of limbs” and often resort to setting fires to receive medical attention. Read more on A Silver Lining: For-Profit Prisons Will Let You Keep Pets!…
  that is (sort of) racial transcendence

U.S. America Not Locking As Many Black Folk Into Prison Forever Hooray!

Nobody say anything, less’n we jinx it, but a new study shows that we might in fact no longer be locking up black people at a rate six times that of their white-people counterparts! USA! USA! Oh wait no, we read it wrong. Black men are still being incarcerated at a rate of 6.4 black guys to every 1 white dude. BUT! This is down almost a fifth over the past decade, when they had been imprisoned at a rate of almost 8 to 1! And black ladies are staying out of prison like a champ, while white chicks are making jail the hip new trend! Obviously, we blame Lindsay Lohan. Read more on U.S. America Not Locking As Many Black Folk Into Prison Forever Hooray!…
  department of tobascorrection

North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy

So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in North Carolina, where everything is usually so peaceful and just. A prison warden has been suspended while the state investigates accusations that guards forced inmates to, among other things, rub hot sauce on their private parts, just for giggles. Because hey, What good is being entrusted with the livelihoods of a few hundred caged convicts if you aren’t allowed to season their bumholes with burny liquids? Read more on North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy…
  what we have here is a failure to communicate

Suspended From School In Mississippi? That’s A Jailing

We at Wonkette have been pretty excited about Louisiana lately, what with revealing that they are one of the more awful states of the union in terms of infant mortality and life expectancy and whatnot, and also because they will teach about the Loch Ness monster in science class (so long as they don’t have to teach about it to MUSLIM children because that would just be going too far). Turns out we were so fascinated with Louisiana that we forgot about Mississippi, which is really doubling down on the fight against education these days, what with their “school-to-prison” pipeline that incarcerates students for minor infractions at school. You will be shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that African American students are over-represented in this disciplinary strategy. (The disciplinary strategy of sending children to jail when they get suspended from school!) Read more on Suspended From School In Mississippi? That’s A Jailing…
  money and problems

Louisiana Leading Way in Prison Privatization, Rest of U.S. Catching Up

A few weeks ago, we wondered if Louisiana had seceded from the Union or had been left to fend for itself, given that it has the highest infant mortality rate, the fifth-highest maternal mortality rate, the fourth-worst life expectancy rate, the fifth-highest violent crime rate, the second-highest poverty rate, and the fifth-highest obesity rate in the country, and on top of it all, seems to be eradicating public education. But nope, Louisiana, as it turns out, is as American as apple pie, running a gargantuan for-profit prison industrial complex that imprisons more people per capita than any other state in the country. All told, Louisiana spends $182 million a year to house inmates in local (overwhelmingly private) prisons, because private [anything] is better than public [anything] duh. Louisiana is divided into 64 parishes, and when all is said and done, the state spends anywhere between $200,000-$1,000,000 on prisons per parish depending on the scope and size of  operations.  Read more on Louisiana Leading Way in Prison Privatization, Rest of U.S. Catching Up…
  Colson Out!

We Won’t have Chuck Colson To Kick Around Anymore

Watergate warrior Chuck Colson died. He was 80 years old. Colson was most famous for going above and beyond the law for disgraced President Richard “Dick” Nixon, thus becoming one of America’s first humiliated and imprisoned American heroes. (He served less than a year in prison for his role in “Watergate,” which was a political scandal famous for being the first of the next eleven thousand “gates” in American politics.) But underneath his hatred and strong signs of sociopathic behavior beat the heart of a good man, some idiots think. Read more on We Won’t have Chuck Colson To Kick Around Anymore…
  breakups

Liberals Heckle Barack Obama

Have these people lost hope or something: “Protesters interrupted President Barack Obama at a campaign fund-raiser on Thursday to complain about the treatment in detention of a U.S. soldier accused of leaking documents that appeared on the WikiLeaks website,” Reuters reports. Come on, don’t mess up his fundraisers. How’s he supposed to get the billion dollars necessary to run against some semi-random GOP nobody next year? Read more on Liberals Heckle Barack Obama…
  it's morning in america

Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison

Tom DeLay is back in court today for the “sentencing phase” of his trial. Although DeLay “faces up to life in prison on the money laundering charge and up to 20 years on the conspiracy charge,” he is also “white” and “eligible for probation.” And apparently many Experts believe he will receive probation. Haha, oh fuck. It would be simply beguiling if Tom DeLay spent even a week in prison, but God hates us so of course this won’t happen. So yeah, just to recap: Tom DeLay is a corrupt public servant who laundered hundreds of thousands of dollars, and now he will probably have to volunteer at his local Humane Society. Meanwhile, some black guy somewhere is spending twenty years behind bars for not calling a police officer “sir.” [AP] Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison… Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison…
  task the lobbyist

Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint

Jack Abramoff has finished his six-month stint working at Tov Pizza, “a modest kosher pizzeria in a heavily Jewish section of northwest Baltimore” — a job he held down while living in a halfway house following his stint in federal prison for being too good at his job and also ruining Tom DeLay’s beautiful life. So yes, if you purchased a pizza from this place recently, you probably shouldn’t have been charged $7.4 million in various “handling,” “effort,” “anti-pizza-poison” fees. Also, if you caught him in a suite at a Ravens game with his arm around a pepperoni, he should not have been doing that. What he should have been doing is screaming at a teenager, in a kosher manner, to put more cheese on the dough before he passes it to him to put in the oven. Read more on Jack Abramoff No Longer Working At Zionist Pizza Joint…
  'reading is fun'

Terry McAuliffe Has Created His Masterpiece

Your other editor Sara wrote earlier about how every governor candidate in Virginia has taken a shine to this hilarious & false idea that prison officials closely monitor third-grade test scores to determine how many jails they’ll need for the Dumbs in 15 years. But only Terry McAuliffe went ahead and made it into an insane teevee advertisement! The final product (which your male associate editor wrote about this morning at length for his NBC racketeering gig) proved to be McAuliffe’s most twisted, hilarious failed attempt at pretending to be a real human being yet, in a life and campaign defined by such attempts. “Pre-k now or prison later!” Nice one, sociopath! [NBC Washington] Read more on Terry McAuliffe Has Created His Masterpiece…
  the end of justice

New Depression’s Latest Casualty: Our Sacred Death Penalty

Man, you know what costs gazillions of dollars of taxpayer money? Executin’ people! With appeals and increased housing costs, the tab to house a prisoner and eventually carry out the death penalty can run upwards of $3 million. Conversely, just keeping somebody in jail forever costs a mere $1.1 million or so. Read more on New Depression’s Latest Casualty: Our Sacred Death Penalty…
 

You Can Go Home Again, If You’re White

David Hicks, a white Australian dude, was picked up fighting with the Taliban in 2001 and brought to Guantanamo. He spent 5 years there before he pled guilty last March to providing material support to al Qaeda as part of a deal to serve out the remainder of his sentence back home in Australia. He was released today. There are more than 300 inmates remaining at Guantanamo, 150 of whom we pretty much have no intention of never releasing. I’m guessing none of them are white. [Yahoo News] Read more on You Can Go Home Again, If You’re White…
 

Scooter’s Going Up the River

The U.S. Court of Appeals in D.C. unanimously rejected Scooter Libby’s plea for bail instead of jail, and that means Al Qaeda’s Dick Cheney’s No. 2 man is off to prison unless Bush pardons the beloved neocon bureaucrat. Read more on Scooter’s Going Up the River…
 

Checking In With Drunken Crook Jim Gibbons

Hi, Governor Jim! How have you been? Oh, you went on a cruise with this guy, who now tells the FBI he saw you taking $100,000 in bribes from a Nevada contractor? Oh, you got the contractor tens of millions in federal contracts, when you were in Congress? That’s great. And you guys all got loaded and put napkins on your head and … what, pretended to be hip-hop stars or something? Did you yell out comical ebonics stuff, too? Read more on Checking In With Drunken Crook Jim Gibbons…