Tag Archives: priorities

  priorities

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom Act, to defend history’s most sacred freedom of all. The bill would encourage cable companies to offer channels a la carte in lieu of the current tyrannical model, which forces consumers to pay for bundles that include unwanted channels. We do not care whatsoever about how much people must pay for mindless entertainment, but here is where we would like to note that the traditional congressional approach of “always doing nothing” to stop this crisis would likely better serve the American public by possibly encouraging cable television viewership to continue to decline. We assume, however, that John McCain’s heroic effort is aimed at making sure he doesn’t break with that other congressional tradition of “always making things worse.” In McCain’s defense, why ruin a perfect record? Read more on John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers…
  lucky duckies

Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans

The Wall Street Journal is shaking its cane regarding Congress’s unseemly refusal to reform food stamps. Why are Democrats uniting to stop hero Senator Jeff Sessions’ teeny-tiny $20 billion snip to the program? After all, going on the dole used to be shameful, and now food stamps go to people even if they live in a house and perhaps own a car! Yes, all these rich vulgar Americans are soaking the Department of Agriculture by getting help eating food. It is a national outrage and the Wall Street Journal will not rest in its whining until this gross practice stops. But is there another, more important thing on which Americans should be focused, rather than on giving milk, eggs, and cheese to women with children? Or subsidizing the non-starving of military families, and Wal-Mart workers? In fact, there is. A scourge far more important than hunger! What is it, you are dying to know? It is office workers with Bad Grammar, because because. Read more on Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans…
  will somebody please think of the keychains?

Swag Industry Does Not Care For Obama’s War on Government Swag

Barack Obama’s latest hard-charging attack on federal waste is a presidential directive complete with triumphant press release officially ordering government agencies to cut back on the purchase of promotional products, aka “swag,” that will somehow save taxpayers millions of dollars they probably did not realize they were spending on Supreme Court-themed Magic 8-balls or ATF assault-rifle pendants or whatever for the couple of low-level federal employees who got to keep their jobs to hand out in the Visitors Centers. Hooray for less useless novelty items going straight to clog up America’s bloated landfills, right? NO, according to Big Swag trade industry people, who strongly object to this War on Crap, because it might give Americans the erroneous impression they are supposed to quit buying Crap all day long. Read more on Swag Industry Does Not Care For Obama’s War on Government Swag…
  nation of violent idiots

Topeka Spouses Now Allowed To Beat The Crap Out of Each Other

Oh, lord. The city of Topeka, Kansas went ahead with its harebrained scheme to legalize domestic violence in order to save money they claim they no longer have to spend prosecuting abuse cases. Hey, priorities! Isn’t this maybe the sort of thing where it might be worth it for the city to just levy an extra fifteen-cent sales tax on deep-fried Ding Dongs or boxes of frozen chicken anuses or something to avoid the violent battering death of a few dozen of its citizens? Read more on Topeka Spouses Now Allowed To Beat The Crap Out of Each Other…
  real fake problems

New FAA Safety Policy: Hope Airport Inspectors Don’t Mind Not Being Paid

In our new era of Total Government Dysfunction, Congressional leaders decided to head to recess before passing a bill to replace Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill with a picture of Barack Obama licking Ronald Reagan’s corpse, haha passing a bill to temporarily finance the Federal Aviation Administration, the agency in charge of making sure not everyone dies every time they board an airplane. Solving a huge fake problem in Congress is the new equivalent of solving one hundred critically urgent real problems, and Congress already “did” their one for now, see everyone in September! Meanwhile, the FAA is forced to hope airport inspectors are decent enough to take their congressional demotion to unpaid intern seriously and continue to make sure there isn’t total airport security collapse across the country.  Read more on New FAA Safety Policy: Hope Airport Inspectors Don’t Mind Not Being Paid…
  the confederate flag lobby wins again

Confederate Memorial Is Lone Alabama State Park To Avoid Funding Cuts

It is hard times, hard choices in Alabama, where legislators have been forced like in many other states to slash funding for their state parks and historical monuments because of priorities, etc. “But who will think of the trees and the history?” Eh, no one, next question. “But who will think of the racists?” OH HEY, that is a better question. Good point, Alabama will keep exactly one state park in pristine condition, the one that is dedicated to remembering America’s original 9/11, the loss of the Confederacy. That’s worth a property tax, isn’t it? Read more on Confederate Memorial Is Lone Alabama State Park To Avoid Funding Cuts…
  bigots

President Obama Loves Dogs More Than He Loves Space Monsters

Our new president has some pretty messed up priorities, hoo boy! Did you notice that during his first 100 days in office he ended the recession and shook hands with tin-pot dictators and even got himself a fancy purebred dog, but did not have the time or the inclination to designate, say, a NASA administrator? This is the number one thing an incoming president is supposed to declare, no later than 5-10 minutes after taking the oath of office, and if he does not, then the world folds in on itself and time runs backwards. TRUE STORY. [True/Slant via Ben Smith] Read more on President Obama Loves Dogs More Than He Loves Space Monsters…