With about a thousand votes counted, Barack Obama is the DESTROYER OF WORLDS with 71% of the vote, followed by Hillary/Bill with 21% and Sad John Edwards with like fourteen votes. What will we learn from all of this? How multi-cultural and bi-racial will the coalition become and what should we make of the dominant African-American electorate and the more diversity compared to … Whoops, sorry, we suddenly just started transcribing whatever horseshit they’re jabbering on Wonkette. Congratulations, South Carolinians! You people are so disenfranchised that only 1% of your vote counts!
Obama Victorious In S.C. [The State]

Jesus, that was fast. With, uh, 0% reporting, MSNBC is projecting a massive victory for Barry Hussein Barack Obama and a crushing, horrific, humbling defeat for Hillary and Bill Clinton. Just kidding about the last part. MORE »

John McCain made the brilliant decision to let his batshit crazy 95-year-old mother, Roberta, go on the teevee again — probably unmedicated — and say some more senile old lady things. For this, we applaud him. Last time we heard from the oldest lady in the world, she criticized Mitt Romney for being a Mormon, and we laughed! This time she says that no one likes her son and that she has no idea what she’s talking about. God, this woman never misses the mark! MORE »

Once every year, white people in politics pretend to care about Martin Luther King Jr., who was assassinated four decades ago when his racial-equality preaching drifted over to the far more dangerous economic-equality preaching. It was one thing to let the black people sit wherever on the bus — white people had cars — but it’s a whole different story when you’re talking about taking the rich people’s stuff! And tonight in South Carolina, the Democrats will debate who can recite the most noble things about MLK. As a result, blacks might just “go Democrat” in 2008. We’ll be here with liveblogging action at 8 p.m. Eastern. DO NOT MISS IT UNLESS YOU ARE RACIST. [CNN Politics]

While you people had a nice weekend, we went back to Nevada for Caucus Day. It was a very special time. We also “virtually” went to South Carolina, in our minds, to cover the GOP primary. Here’s what you missed: MORE »

FAILURE IS THE NEW VICTORY: So it sure sounded like Huckabee was about to graciously get out of the race so McCain could be the first 89-year-old man to lose to Hillary Clinton. But no, Huckabee is “resetting the gauge” or something. If he can’t beat a godless father of a mulatto child like John “Amnesty” McCain in South Carolina … well, he should just go ahead and get fat again. [Hotline On Call]

WHO WILL WIN?! Nobody knows what the hell’s going on in South Carolina — McCain’s still up at 36%, but Huckabee’s clawing back with 28%, with 21% of precincts reporting — so we’re taking this opportunity to go have some nice sushi at the casino restaurant.

Polls are closed! And according to other polls done all day today, the winner of South Carolina’s charming, old-fashioned Confederate Primary Election is … either McCain or Huckabee. This changes everything! And nobody will really accept the results with happiness (except the “winner”) because of all the broken voting machines, and the lack of those ballots some people like to use.

MAGICAL BLIMP: The beloved Ron Paul Blimp is $26,000 short of its latest fundraising goal with just two-and-a-half hours left of January 18 (today). Will it survive? How will Ron Paul become president of freedom without the Blimp of Freedom? [RonPaulBlimp]

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America’s favorite Mormon Frenchman and dog-torturing varmint-killing plutocrat shocked a University of South Carolina crowd this week by hoisting aloft a toddler and declaring it his sole and personal heir. Apparently the child has the same middle name as Willard “Mitt” Romney, which is why the tyke will be having comical wheelbarrows of cash delivered to his crib. “He’s getting all the money,” crowed Romney. Also, the child is his grandson. [YouTube]

Little did Giuliani donors know, but their millions in campaign donations aren’t really going to fund an actual campaign! No, it turns out that it’s just a really, really easy way for Rudi and Judi to fund their search for the retirement community of their dreams. Otherwise, there’s no really good explanation for why Rudy’s planning on putting damn near every last cent into winning Florida. Florida’s January 29th primary is one short week before Super Tuesday, when many of the other big states an actual candidate would have to win will be voting, but since Giuliani’s campaign is more a vanity project, what does he care? [ABC News]