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Posts Tagged ‘primary’

DEMOCRATS

Bill Clinton Is A Petulant Jerk

Friday, May 9th, 2008


Jesus, did anybody ever like this guy? Well, whatever “good will” he established by, uh, having an affair with a fat gal in the Oval Office, that’s all long gone. Now, there is only this shouty red-faced old man who is going to personally argue with every old hillbilly lady that Hillary has carefully courted all year. [YouTube/CBS News]


DEMOCRATS

Obama’s Joyless Math Beats Hillary’s Magical Maps

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Indiana math is different, because of the time zoneCable news anchors, you are all fired, except for Chuck Todd. You freak out for weeks about all the crazy doomsday scenarios in which Hillary Clinton might be able to WREST the nomination from Captain Hope, and finally at 2 a.m. you’re like, “Oh, but the math.” This is a photograph of Hillary Clinton also thinking about math. [New York Observer]


DEMOCRATS

TARHEEL TUMBLE: Liveblogging Obama’s North Carolina Night

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

“Decisive victory,” says sleepy-face Tim Russert. Decisive enough? Or, as sleepy-face Tim Russert says two minutes later, “status quo”? How big did Barry win North Carolina? Nobody will say, just yet, but they will, so … Begun, this live blog has. (Part Two is here, Part One is here, the Pre-Game Commentary is here.) MORE »


DEMOCRATS

INDIANA FREAKOUT: Liveblogging the Indiana Vote

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Theme time radio hour theme: Both states have this damned bird as a state bird!Oh man, the polls are already closed in Indiana? What time zone are they on over there, 1952? Anyway, we’ve already learned that Obama’s got a double-digit win in North Carolina (doesn’t count because of blacks) and Hillary had a four-point lead in the Indiana polls, blah blah, he’s still handily winning as far as those delegates. Let’s see what the teevee tells us is the truth! MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Barack Obama Wins At Basketball

Saturday, April 26th, 2008

And Jesus was a sailor, when he walked upon the waterRemember how Barack Obama was going to play basketball against his own followers in Indiana? Well, that happened. And he beat them, he beat them good. Here is a picture of him, doing that basketball thing, while wearing a patriotic Marine Corps t-shirt, and never breaking a sweat. [AP Photo]


DEMOCRATS

Five Easy Steps To Predicting Pennsylvania

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

Which waxen demon will win?It has been six long, terrible weeks since the last primary, and since then Elliot Spitzer resigned for schtupping a hooker, Barack Obama explained to the world why Jeremiah Wright didn’t wear a flag pin on his lapel, and Hillary Clinton bombed Bosnia. Because many of you are a little rusty on how these “primary” things work, we’ve got a few helpful tips for all those dorks who are actually trying to make sense of the poll results today. MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Whiny Pennsylvanians Getting What They Deserve

Monday, April 21st, 2008

Pennsylvania voters were SO angry in January, because their loser state’s primary wouldn’t happen until April 22, which would obviously be months after the whole Democratic Nominee business would be settled and old news and it’s all just proof of how the rest of the Elite Nation hates Pennsylvanians, who are so dumb and bitter with their “god” and shotguns and sofa on the porch of the double-wide. Let’s look back with laughter, after the jump. MORE »


POLLS

Hillary’s Enormous Pennsylvania Lead Becomes Pathetic, ‘Significant’ Lead!

Monday, April 21st, 2008

And this is the story of the last six or seven weeks: snipers, Wright, flag pins, Ayers, Bitter, flipping the bird, whatever else consumed the 2-hour news cycle, it’s all led to this Pollster aggregation of polls that shows Hillary’s once-sizable lead deteriorating into a merely “solid” lead. Nice work, everybody! [Pollster]


DEMOCRATS

Chelsea Clinton Groped By Lesbians

Monday, April 21st, 2008

Not pictured hereChelsea was doing a gay bar crawl in Philadelphia on Friday night and while she was walking around some lady said “I grabbed her ass,” and David Shuster wept because this was proof positive that the Clintons were pimping their daughter out. MORE »


DEMOCRATS

New Poll Shows Obama On Fast Train To Loserville

Friday, April 4th, 2008

High five, loser!A newly released New York Times/CBS News poll suggests the nation’s males are no longer totally hot for Barack Obama. Their support has turtled back into a flaccid husk following revelations that the heartthrob candidate sucks at bowling and has an angry black pastor. MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Howard Dean Will Ruin Florida This Time

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Yankee bungler From Al Gore to John Kerry to the opera-loving liberal Rudy Giuliani, Democrats have a long and proud history of bungling the Florida vote. And so for many months, the same question has hung on every Democrat’s lips: which political figure will be the one to ruin the party’s chances of winning Florida in the 2008 presidential election? The answer may surprise you! MORE »


DEMOCRATS

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

NO THEY CAN’T: NO NEW PRIMARY FOR MICHIGAN: So the Michigan Democratic state leadership and Carl Levin didn’t agree on whatever and now Hillary can’t have another Michigan primary, so … Obama wins, somehow, even though she won the pretend primary? Anyway, hooray Michigan! We hear you! So, no re-do in Florida or Michigan. This thing may end by 2037 after all. [Politico/Election Geek]


DEMOCRATS

Obama Secretly Wins California Primary!

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

He is the most popular fellow in California!While he may not have won more delegates than Senator Hillary Clinton, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has still won the state of California through sheer force of charm and “momentum.” It turns out that he keeps winning more delegates, even though the polls have been closed for years, but most news organizations can’t bother to update their numbers because they can’t do math. MORE »