Bill Clinton laughed and laughed at people who fainted during one of his interminable speeches in the fetid North Carolinian heat, and this is yet another reason he should not be elected president again. [Gritty Hillary Will Conquer Laws Of Math!
Monday, May 5th, 2008
Even though she cannot win the Democratic presidential nomination by any definable numerical metric such as the popular vote, number of pledged delegates, states won, or amount of money raised, Hillary Clinton will prevail over Elitist Maths and Barack Obama. This is because every time she loses, she wins by saying that losers have to “fight on.” And every time she wins, she also wins. So she will lose all the way to the Presidency, unless she wins all the way to the Presidency, and either way it doesn’t matter because Big Oil will be paying our gasoline taxes and Rocky Balboa will be the Secretary of the Second Amendment. [New Yorker] MORE »
Even though she cannot win the Democratic presidential nomination by any definable numerical metric such as the popular vote, number of pledged delegates, states won, or amount of money raised, Hillary Clinton will prevail over Elitist Maths and Barack Obama. This is because every time she loses, she wins by saying that losers have to “fight on.” And every time she wins, she also wins. So she will lose all the way to the Presidency, unless she wins all the way to the Presidency, and either way it doesn’t matter because Big Oil will be paying our gasoline taxes and Rocky Balboa will be the Secretary of the Second Amendment. [New Yorker] MORE »
Chelsea Clinton Nuns It Up
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, “Poke me when we get to Vegas.” [AP story and photo]
While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, “Poke me when we get to Vegas.” [AP story and photo]
Indiana Primary Will Be A Nail-Biter
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
If Hillary Clinton loses the North Carolina primary by less than 15 points, it’s basically a win. And if she wins Indiana by a single pledged delegate, that is also a win. Both of these predictions may soon come true! According to new projections by Congressional Quarterly, Clinton will win Indiana in a squeaker — getting 24 district-level delegates to Obama’s 23 — even if she really wins it by up to 6% of the popular vote. Or something. Math is hard! MORE »
If Hillary Clinton loses the North Carolina primary by less than 15 points, it’s basically a win. And if she wins Indiana by a single pledged delegate, that is also a win. Both of these predictions may soon come true! According to new projections by Congressional Quarterly, Clinton will win Indiana in a squeaker — getting 24 district-level delegates to Obama’s 23 — even if she really wins it by up to 6% of the popular vote. Or something. Math is hard! MORE »
Hillary’s Magical Maps!
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
Top Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan’s excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. MORE »
Top Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan’s excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. MORE »
Barack Obama Is Tired (Or Stoned!)
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
Because the camera is racist, it loves our slender and dignified Senator from Illinois — so it’s a rare treat to find a photo of him looking a little rough around the edges, like an Ordinary American. Here’s Barack Obama coming off the third shift at the lace mill in Scranton, where he shared a bong with Hillary Clinton’s grandfather. [AP Photo]
Because the camera is racist, it loves our slender and dignified Senator from Illinois — so it’s a rare treat to find a photo of him looking a little rough around the edges, like an Ordinary American. Here’s Barack Obama coming off the third shift at the lace mill in Scranton, where he shared a bong with Hillary Clinton’s grandfather. [AP Photo]
Oldsters Key To Clinton’s Pennsylvania Victory
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
This morning, millions of sad, youthful Obama voters are waking up and wondering what the hell happened in Pennsylvania. Here’s the scoop, little ones: Pennsylvania’s elderly are so old that they make John McCain look young, and they’re so numerous that you’d think they were still capable of reproduction. In fact, the only state with more elderly residents is Florida, and at least those old people moved there. They want to be in Florida. Meanwhile, old people in Pennsylvania resemble the humble sea cucumber: sessile, rooted, a prisoner of the very earth that nourishes them. Naturally, these people vote for Hillary Clinton. MORE »
This morning, millions of sad, youthful Obama voters are waking up and wondering what the hell happened in Pennsylvania. Here’s the scoop, little ones: Pennsylvania’s elderly are so old that they make John McCain look young, and they’re so numerous that you’d think they were still capable of reproduction. In fact, the only state with more elderly residents is Florida, and at least those old people moved there. They want to be in Florida. Meanwhile, old people in Pennsylvania resemble the humble sea cucumber: sessile, rooted, a prisoner of the very earth that nourishes them. Naturally, these people vote for Hillary Clinton. MORE »
Liveblogging The Cable News Blathering About The Pennsylvania Primary
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
Well friends this is what it comes down to: Begala and Bennett and some other people jabbering about Momentum and numbers vs. narrative. How long before Donna Brazile storms off the set in disgust along with all the other former Clinton staffers? Join us in this long night of misery. MORE »
Well friends this is what it comes down to: Begala and Bennett and some other people jabbering about Momentum and numbers vs. narrative. How long before Donna Brazile storms off the set in disgust along with all the other former Clinton staffers? Join us in this long night of misery. MORE »
Who Will Win Pennsylvania? Join The Unofficial Wonkette Betting Pool!
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
All right jokers who like to bet on things! Tell us in the comments who will win, and by how many points, and if you are correct we will uh give you something! We will write a post, all about you, and it will feature a photograph of Hillary giving “the shocker.” Writey writey! Submit your PROGNOSTICATIONS before 9pm Eastern (because it will take them at least an hour after the polls close to count this garbage) and you too can be famous on the Wonkette, maybe.
All right jokers who like to bet on things! Tell us in the comments who will win, and by how many points, and if you are correct we will uh give you something! We will write a post, all about you, and it will feature a photograph of Hillary giving “the shocker.” Writey writey! Submit your PROGNOSTICATIONS before 9pm Eastern (because it will take them at least an hour after the polls close to count this garbage) and you too can be famous on the Wonkette, maybe.
