Look, we speak Bitterese: Hilry done gone inna West Virginnie done won it ‘gainst the colored man. Colored man naw gon win no West Virginnie, haw haw, yeeeeesh siree. Done hear Hillary lost big ‘lection already, but we ain’t ne’er votin’ no Mooslim terror-starter inna our WHITE House. Don’t make none sense like, but I guess not much do these a’days. MORE »

Nope, the primary season still isn’t over — and tonight the Democrats’ Death March to the White House leads straight through West Virginia, whose oppressed citizens only get to vote once a day. Grab a liter of grain alcohol, a six-pack of Grape Nehi, some squirrel jerky, and your favorite semiautomatic firearm on your way home from work and we’ll see you back here tonight.

Senator Hope might suck at bowling, but he can shoot a decent game of pool. This is because hard-working Americans long ago ceded the sport to fey intellectuals, San Francisco bike messengers, and migrant workers. Oh you want pictures of your Hopey doing the old behind-the-back shot left-handed? We got ‘em after the jump! MORE »

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

Tragic liberal presidential candidate George McGovern lost horribly to Richard Nixon in 1972 and then became an Elder Statesman and endorsed Hillary Clinton like all the other Elder Statesmen in 2007. But now it is 2008, so it is time for Hillary to go under the bus along with Tom Eagleton. George McGovern officially hearts Barack Obama, the McGovern of the 21st Century! MORE »

Indiana is too close to call, and will be too close to call forever, so hoist another drink and let’s figure out what Hillary Clinton will talk about in her loser/possible winner speech, whenever she gets around to giving it. MORE »

Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let’s LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have “a tone of condensation” (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People. MORE »

No more Hamas waffles for this guy, apparently. Shortly after this unflattering picture was taken, Obama killed the photographer with a left-handed Mauser 66 and continued talking with some nice union representatives about how much money they could get for his abandoned plate of eggs on eBay. [AP/FOX]

Bill Clinton laughed and laughed at people who fainted during one of his interminable speeches in the fetid North Carolinian heat, and this is yet another reason he should not be elected president again. [AP] MORE »

Even though she cannot win the Democratic presidential nomination by any definable numerical metric such as the popular vote, number of pledged delegates, states won, or amount of money raised, Hillary Clinton will prevail over Elitist Maths and Barack Obama. This is because every time she loses, she wins by saying that losers have to “fight on.” And every time she wins, she also wins. So she will lose all the way to the Presidency, unless she wins all the way to the Presidency, and either way it doesn’t matter because Big Oil will be paying our gasoline taxes and Rocky Balboa will be the Secretary of the Second Amendment. [New Yorker] MORE »

While her mother was off getting ignored by Republicans, Chelsea Clinton took a few days in sunny Puerto Rico to address a group of nuns. Her father Bill stayed on the plane, saying, “Poke me when we get to Vegas.” [AP story and photo]