He’s in it, and he’s in it to win! Ted Stevens, the frightening and corrupt old man who has been a senator from Alaska since before Alaska was invented, managed to win the Republican primary even though he is currently under indictment for something dreadful involving home renovations. Stevens defeated six challengers, so now he has a chance to lose to the mayor of Anchorage in the general. [New York Times]

People keep on wondering why Hillary Clinton can’t convince her 18 million ceiling-cracks to get with the program and support Barack Obama. Well, it appears that these angry, bitter old white people are so full of insane rage and hate for everything that they don’t even really care for Hillary Clinton — they just hate her a little less than Obama — so they aren’t going to be bossed around by that gal. MORE »

As you know, the worst mayor ever of anything, Rudy Giuliani, will deliver the keynote address at his party’s convention. Rudy Giuliani is a fucking stupid rat-demon whose pathetic 5th place campaign couldn’t even make it past January after 12 months of exploiting, for political purposes, the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians whose safety he, as mayor of the attacked city, was supposed to protect. He really is the most appropriate symbol for the Republican convention that follows eight years of George W. Bush, although probably not for the same reasons that the speaker selection committee chose him. Anyway he had a conference call today and just completely bombed on it, because he’s fucking stupid. MORE »

Oh goody, we are now at the “blame John Edwards for pretty much everything” stage of the Edwards Was A Baby Mamma scandal. Somehow the mortgage meltdown and the brand-new war in Georgia will turn out to be his fault, but we’ll leave it to Sam Stein to uncover those crucial links. In the meantime, former Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson has found something else to blame on John Edwards: the implosion of the Clinton candidacy. MORE »

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is running for re-election and, while he’s at it, defiling what is sacred ground to many a Masshole: the local Dunkin’ Donuts. We get this tragic on-the-scene report from tipster “Troy.” MORE »

The nation’s most historic nomination race in the history of History may be coming to an end today, but probably not, because Hillary Clinton can’t call it quits until she has figured out how to get her campaign out of tens of millions of dollars of debt. According to one shadowy source, the reason she’s staying in the race is “not about the vice-presidency or any other position she might get. It’s about the money – in particular the Clinton family money.” She shouldn’t worry too much, though, because a mere eight years ago Bill left office with an estimated $12 million in debt — and presto, after less than a decade of whoring around with Ron Burkle he’s back on top of the world! What will Hillary do to recoup her own debts, short of selling her hair and teeth? MORE »

With every passing Tuesday the Democratic party gets closer to cutting the Gordian knot that is its Presidential nominating contest. In other words, Hillary Clinton will win Kentucky, Barack Obama will win Oregon, and Pat Buchanan will lose his mind (again) on MSNBC tonight. Join us as we watch the early evening madness, with a glass of Kentucky bourbon in each fist! MORE »

This is a screen shot from a famous computer game called The Oregon Trail. This game is literally the only famous thing about Oregon, except for a few mediocre indie pop bands. Despite its overall irrelevancy, however, Oregon will host one of tonight’s two primaries. The other state is Kentucky, where horses come to die and leave corny extended metaphors in their wake. Your Wonkette will obviously be liveblogging the proceedings tonight, starting around 6:30 or 6:45 Eastern (polls close in Kentucky at 7:00 Eastern, shortly before the state’s “Chicken Supper Time.”) Loser Oregon does not close until 11:00 Eastern, but Obama is giving a speech around 8:30, so we will Never Rest.

Remember that time yesterday when Barack Obama acted like a Texas waitress and called that young female reporter “sweetie”? Well, he left her a contrite voicemail promising never to call her that terrible word again. The full transcript after the jump. MORE »

The young lass who just a few short years ago wowed the world by dodging sniper fire in Bosnia will not be able to deliver a repeat performance dodging bombs in Puerto Rico because people in the Navy are mean.
For those of you who were alive way back in the late 1990s, you will recall that Vieques is a little spot in Puerto Rico the military used to bomb the shit out of, for practice, and people protested it occasionally until a bomb killed a security guard and they shut the whole thing down. MORE »

Mary Lou Retton also hails from the fair state of West Virginia. And if Hillary Clinton were an athlete, she would be Mary Lou Retton in a fetching flag-themed leotard. What does Mary Lou Clinton have to say to the voters of West Virginia? Click the clicky and find out! MORE »