Wonkette

The young lass who just a few short years ago wowed the world by dodging sniper fire in Bosnia will not be able to deliver a repeat performance dodging bombs in Puerto Rico because people in the Navy are mean.
For those of you who were alive way back in the late 1990s, you will recall that Vieques is a little spot in Puerto Rico the military used to bomb the shit out of, for practice, and people protested it occasionally until a bomb killed a security guard and they shut the whole thing down. MORE »

Mary Lou Retton also hails from the fair state of West Virginia. And if Hillary Clinton were an athlete, she would be Mary Lou Retton in a fetching flag-themed leotard. What does Mary Lou Clinton have to say to the voters of West Virginia? Click the clicky and find out! MORE »

Look, we speak Bitterese: Hilry done gone inna West Virginnie done won it ‘gainst the colored man. Colored man naw gon win no West Virginnie, haw haw, yeeeeesh siree. Done hear Hillary lost big ‘lection already, but we ain’t ne’er votin’ no Mooslim terror-starter inna our WHITE House. Don’t make none sense like, but I guess not much do these a’days. MORE »

Nope, the primary season still isn’t over — and tonight the Democrats’ Death March to the White House leads straight through West Virginia, whose oppressed citizens only get to vote once a day. Grab a liter of grain alcohol, a six-pack of Grape Nehi, some squirrel jerky, and your favorite semiautomatic firearm on your way home from work and we’ll see you back here tonight.

Senator Hope might suck at bowling, but he can shoot a decent game of pool. This is because hard-working Americans long ago ceded the sport to fey intellectuals, San Francisco bike messengers, and migrant workers. Oh you want pictures of your Hopey doing the old behind-the-back shot left-handed? We got ‘em after the jump! MORE »

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

Tragic liberal presidential candidate George McGovern lost horribly to Richard Nixon in 1972 and then became an Elder Statesman and endorsed Hillary Clinton like all the other Elder Statesmen in 2007. But now it is 2008, so it is time for Hillary to go under the bus along with Tom Eagleton. George McGovern officially hearts Barack Obama, the McGovern of the 21st Century! MORE »

Indiana is too close to call, and will be too close to call forever, so hoist another drink and let’s figure out what Hillary Clinton will talk about in her loser/possible winner speech, whenever she gets around to giving it. MORE »

Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let’s LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have “a tone of condensation” (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People. MORE »

No more Hamas waffles for this guy, apparently. Shortly after this unflattering picture was taken, Obama killed the photographer with a left-handed Mauser 66 and continued talking with some nice union representatives about how much money they could get for his abandoned plate of eggs on eBay. [AP/FOX]